


I Feel It When You Don't Look At Me

by photographer_of_thoughts



Series: To See Without My Eyes [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Blind Character, Blind Even, Boys In Love, Disability, Doctor Isak, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Groping, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death, Pining, Post-Break Up, Semi-Public Sex, Switching, Top Even Bech Næsheim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-05-04 01:37:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 66,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14582082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photographer_of_thoughts/pseuds/photographer_of_thoughts
Summary: “I never wanted to leave without you, Even.” Isak whispered.“I know. But you did. And I let you go.”Or, Isak and Even haven’t seen each other for a long time – in more ways than one.





	1. Decisions

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> So, the other day I was going back through people's comments on my fic 'I Feel It When You Look At Me' and I was so inspired to write more. I debated about whether it should be a one-shot or chaptered, and in the end, I wrote more and had more plans than I could fit into a one-shot. So, here we are. 
> 
> This is a future fic. Isak and Even's lives are a lot different from when we left them last time. I'm going to be switching more often between Even and Isak's POVs than in part one. And we're going to have a lot of time lapses between past and present. But I'll make it clear for you. 
> 
> I know Skam has been over for a while, and I wrote part 1 when it was still airing new episodes, but I know a lot of people are still excited about the show and the characters. And to be honest, so am I. I hope you enjoy the next part of this story :) Alt er Love.

**5 Years Earlier**

**Even – 24, Isak - 22**

 

_Isak couldn’t believe this was happening. He couldn’t believe he was sitting on his bed – their bed – and watching Even feel his way around the closet, pulling out every single one of Isak’s shirts. And then pants. Sweaters. Belts._

 

_Even threw them unfolded into the open suitcase, often misjudging how far it was but not seeming to care if they fell on the floor. He was on a mission ever since he’d gotten home from work._

 

“ _Even, can we please just -”_

 

“ _No, Isak! I told you everything already. The decision has been made.” Even said, bellowing so loud that Huxley whined at the back of his throat, shuffling nervously at Isak’s feet. Isak reached down to pat the dog’s head, trying to give him and himself some comfort with the touch._

 

“ _And what if I didn’t say everything?” Isak whispered, his throat going tight. “What if I’m...”_

 

“ _You want to go to school, Isak.” Even said, throwing the shirt he was holding violently towards the bed in frustration. “I know you do. This is an amazing opportunity. It’s everything we’ve talked about the past year. I won’t let you give it up for...”_

 

“ _For what?” Isak snapped. “For this stupid, trivial thing we call a relationship? Glad to hear it’s meant so much to you.”_

 

_Isak knew how Even felt about him. He knew what they had meant everything to Even, the same way it meant everything to Isak, but right now it didn’t feel that way. It felt like Even was trying to get Isak out of his life. Toss him away like he was just a piece of trash._

 

“ _Isak. How many times are we going to do this?” Even asked, his voice softer now; the creases above his eyebrows softening in sympathy._

 

_Isak avoided looking at Even’s long scar, the way his eyes shone even though they couldn’t see. It just reminded Isak of the night they went into the pool. The night Even showed Isak everything. The night Isak really felt for the first time how much space Even took up in his life; his heart. Even had moved in there permanently, nestled around Isak’s heart strings. And now Even was asking Isak to leave as if that was an option. As if he could make his feet carry him onto a plane and across the entire world without the person who had changed everything._

 

_No fucking scholarship was worth that._

 

“ _Until you agree to come with me. Or agree to let me stay.” Isak said, ignoring the fact that his hands were shaking._

 

_Even made his way over to the bed, Huxley immediately up and ready to guide his owner safely. Isak spared a second to smile, so in love with Huxley too. He was an amazing dog, had changed Even’s life so much. Even could work now. He could go places alone without the fear of getting lost or hurt. Isak began crying at the thought of not seeing Huxley again either, just as Even sat next to Isak and pulled him into his arms._

 

“ _Isak, don’t cry.” Even whispered, kissing Isak’s head and stroking his large hands down Isak’s back._

 

“ _How can I not cry, Even?” Isak sobbed, knowing he was getting Even’s shirt drenched. “You’re making this so fucking difficult when it doesn’t have to be.”_

 

_Five minutes passed. Then ten. And slowly, Isak’s sobs lessened. His chest wasn’t as tight, and he was able to pull away from Even long enough to wipe his face with his sleeve. Even reached for him a second later, trying to bring his hands up to Isak’s face to see him, but Isak pushed him away and stood up._

 

“ _You know I’m crying. I’m all red and puffy. You don’t need to feel it.” Isak snapped, surprised by his cold tone. Even’s face fell._

 

“ _I want to...”_

 

“ _See me?” Isak scoffed. “Yeah. You want to see me leave Oslo, and you, and our life. Just like that.”_

 

“ _I want you to be able to follow your dreams, Isak. And right now, I...”_

 

“ _You need to be here, somewhere familiar. And I don’t mind staying here to be with you if that’s what you need, Even!” Isak implored, kicking the suitcase in anger._

 

“ _But what about what you need, Isak? Hmm?” Even shouted, standing up but keeping close to the bed, attempting to point a finger at Isak. “What happens when two years down the road, or maybe four, you wake up and wonder what your life would be like if you’d taken that scholarship. If you’d gone to New York. And maybe that will eat you alive. Maybe you’ll end up resenting me because I’m the weight holding you down. I’ll end up being the reason you’re stuck in Oslo.”_

 

“ _I don’t care about any of that!”_

 

“ _Yes, you do! I know you. I saw your face when you got your acceptance letter, Isak.”_

 

“ _You don’t see_ anything, _Even!” Isak screamed, hating the words the instant they left his mouth. He hadn’t meant it that way, as if he was teasing Even for being blind. He meant that Even couldn’t see how much Isak was willing to give up for him, for them, and it wouldn’t be a burden. It wouldn’t be something he would regret. Because he’d have Even. They would be together._

 

“ _I didn’t mean -”_

 

“ _I know what you meant.” Even interrupted, his expression hardening._

 

“ _Even, I just...” Isak sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t want you to make me choose. I want you and I want school. I...”_

 

“ _And I want you to be the most amazing doctor you can be, Isak. This is the beginning of that for you. I’m not going to stand in your way.”_

 

_They’d had this conversation about twenty times. It always ended in tears. It always came down to Even insisting Isak go, that he wanted Isak to go to medical school and do what he loved. And Isak always insisted that he needed to stay; that no matter what, their relationship should come first._

 

_The thing that made tonight different though, was that Isak had only one more day before he was forced to accept or decline the offer. He only had twenty-four hours to give a response. And if he didn’t reply at all, the offer would go to someone else._

 

_Isak had also come home from campus, to their small apartment a short distance away from Oslo University – the place they’d called home for three years - and on the kitchen table he’d found a singular plane ticket to New York with a note from Even saying “pack your stuff. This leaves tomorrow.”_

 

_Isak felt betrayed because the decision hadn’t been made. It hadn’t been made_ together.  _And now here Even was, acting like it had been made. Acting like he alone had the right to make their choices. Acting like it didn’t kill Isak to know that Terje and Even had planned this whole thing – that Terje’s friend in New York had set Isak up with an amazing apartment with really nice roommates, a quick bus ride to the hospital he’d be working at. That Isak’s life had been steered in a direction without his say so._

 

_And what was he supposed to do now? Just say thank you and leave?_

 

“ _Remember, Isak. I’ll take care of the apartment. Our lease is up next month. I’m moving back home for a little while to sort out some things. I should be able to come and be with you as early as Christmas.” Even was saying, reminding Isak of the fact that he’d gone over this from basically the second he’d got home. He’d told Isak about the plan for them to be together eventually in New York, but they’d have to be patient. Even might not be able to move there right away. He’d have to talk to his surgeon, his therapist; everything on his side so it would be possible. He just wanted to get Isak there so he couldn’t say no. It all made so much sense to Even, but being away from each other for months might as well have been a break up to Isak. He might as well have declined the offer and stayed in Oslo. Which was a point he was trying to make the past few weeks, not knowing his desires didn’t meant much to Even._

 

“ _Can you try and think of this as us taking the steps towards the next part of our life, rather than a breakup? I don’t want to break up with you, Isak. God, baby. You know how much I love you.” Even said, opening his arms and smiling; knowing that look always got Isak. It always made Isak melt._

 

“ _I just...this is all so sudden. And you...you went behind my back...” Isak scrambled to say, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and pushing him back onto the bed. Even landed with Isak on top of him, letting out an ‘oomph’ sound before he started giggling._

 

“ _We’ve been talking about this for weeks, you drama queen. And it was your father’s idea. He wants you to go as much as me. Maybe even more.”_

 

“ _I haven’t said goodbye to anyone! My mom! Leah! The guys. I just...I can’t get on a fucking plane tomorrow, Even. It’s like walking away from the table before you’re finished your dinner.” Isak groaned, burying his face in Even’s neck._

 

“ _Well,” Even began, clearing his throat. He reached up and got his hands on Isak’s face, tracing his lips and cheekbones, feeling his way around the soft skin until he booped Isak on the nose. “I just might be able to help with that. But first, we need to pack your damn suitcase. Since you’re the one with eyes that work, this should be your job.”_

 

_Isak pushed up on his hands and looked down at Even. “What do you mean, help?”_

 

_Even rolled his eyes and tisked. “I mean, we’re heading over to your Dad’s place pretty soon for a surprise party in which all the people that love you will be attending. There will be gifts and cake. And all the goodbyes you’ll ever need. Now get the fuck off of me and pack your damn bag!”_

 

_**_

**5 Years Later**

**Isak – 27**

 

 

“Holy fucking _shit!”_

 

Isak hears Jonas before he sees him, the shrill, deep voice rising above the general chatter of the airport. Isak turned his head in the direction of his friend’s voice, and couldn’t help but smile when he saw a mop of messy, curly hair running towards him.

 

Isak opened his arms just as Jonas crushed into him, wrapping him in a bear hug and lifting him off the ground. Isak was trying to hug back when he saw two other very familiar faces appear – turning the singular hug into a pile of limbs and laughter.

 

It was inevitable that Isak ended up on the floor with Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas on top of him.

 

“Welcome home, you ugly fuck!” Magnus beamed, messing up Isak’s hair with his hand.

 

“It’s really great you’re back. Now you can save me from these nimrods.” Mahdi winked, disentangling himself from the heap and smoothing down the front of his bright red jacket.

 

“Hey! I’m awesome, I’ll have you know.” Magnus quipped.

 

“Not even back in Oslo for two hours and already you’re bickering.” Isak rolled his eyes, grabbing his suitcase and walking towards the exit with an arm around Jonas.

 

**

 

Isak couldn’t believe Jonas had become the type of person to own a car. He’d never imagined that happening, since Jonas always went on about how easy the tram system was. But here Isak was, sitting in Jonas’s small red minivan and listening to his friends catch him up on their lives.

 

A lot had happened in the five years that Isak had been gone.

 

Isak sometimes couldn’t fathom that he hadn’t stepped foot in Oslo for five years. He hadn’t come back because he was a broke student barely able to pay rent, let alone buy a plane ticket back home. Christmases were just Skype calls to his friends and family. He got to see through a screen how Leah went from a kid who loved everything he said to a moody teenager who barely talked to him during the last Skype call. She’d huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, rolling her eyes when their Dad encouraged her to update Isak on all the events in her life.

 

“Nothing new has happened,” She’d snapped, looking Isak dead in the eye. “You’re still gone and we’re still here and Mom is still crazy.” She’d stood up after that and slammed her bedroom door closed, Terje shaking his head in an apology.

 

“I’m sorry, Isak.”

 

“Don’t be.” Isak had nearly choked, clearing his throat a moment later. “It’s okay.”

 

Isak knew some parts of his friends lives from their Skype calls over the years, wanting to stay in touch as much as possible even though he was an ocean away. Magnus had updated Isak on his relationship with Vilde, still going strong since they’d graduated Nissen. Mahdi had gone on to become a DJ in town, loving being single and a bachelor. But Isak saw the sadness in Mahdi’s eyes sometimes and he thought perhaps Mahdi wasn’t as content being alone as he led on.

 

Jonas was a _father,_ which Isak also couldn’t comprehend. To Isak, Jonas was still his best friend who smoked weed in bath tubs at house parties and had kebab juice running down is chin as he ate. But now, Jonas was a responsible adult managing a store and owning a mini van and his own home. And raising a cute daughter named Sara.

 

“I can’t wait for you to meet her, Is.” Jonas had said, Skyping Isak the night she was born two years ago. Jonas had tears in his eyes from exhaustion and happiness, shaking his flushed face in pure wonder. “She’s just the most perfect thing in the world.”

 

“Are you glad you’re finally finished med school, Issy?” Magnus asked, bringing Isak back to the here and now; the sunny, blue summer sky above as they sped down the highway.

 

“Yeah. Felt like it would never end.” Isak admitted. He had the kinks in his neck to prove how much time he’d spent in the library over the past five years, studying until the wee hours of the morning several days a week. He’d spent a lot of time in there when he wasn’t with a real doctor or in a laboratory, practically living in a small, drab cubicle at the back of the library on the seventh floor.

 

“We’re going to your Dad’s house, right?” Jonas asked, glancing at Isak for a brief second.

 

“Yeah. Just until I can find a place of my own. I’ll need that before my residency starts.” Isak explained, feeling fidgety. Jet-lag and too many hours on a plane was making his body feel over-stimulated, like he’d drank three shots of espresso.

 

The car was silent for a few minutes, all four men listening to the radio. Isak felt like he should explain more about his time in the states because if he was honest, he hadn’t revealed much. He hadn’t gone to any touristy places because his life revolved around school and his part-time job at Starbucks until he was a barista for full time in the summer months. Nothing exciting had happened to him and that seemed kind of lame in retrospect. He had a million stories about med school, but he knew how squeamish his friends were – how squeamish most people were. He could barely talk about it with -

 

“So, when is Nathan coming to Oslo?” Magnus asked, as if he could just sense who Isak was thinking about. “He’s still moving here, right?”

 

Isak cleared his throat, and nodded. “Yeah. He’s coming next week. Had to sort a few things first.”

 

“Cool. I’m excited to meet him. We should all get together when he’s finally here. Make a night out of it, yeah?” Jonas offered, flicking Isak on his jean-clad thigh and smirking. “But, it’ll have to be PG. I’m a dad now. Can’t go around getting pissed and smoking weed at every party. More like a barbeque with some watered down beers and hamburgers. I’ll cook.”

 

Isak couldn’t help but bark out a laugh. “Do you wear white socks and sandals too? The dad jeans that come up just above your knees?”

 

“Is, you don’t even know the _half_ of it, my friend.” Mahdi sighed, looking dejected that he was still friends with such a person.

 

“I’ll pull the car over and you bastards can walk if you prefer.” Jonas suggested, looking at Mahdi and Magnus through the rearview mirror.

 

“Sorry, Dad!”

 

Isak smirked, his chest feeling light. He’d really missed his friends. And he’d missed being able to read Norwegian, the feel of a Scandinavian city compared to a North American one. He took in the streets and the people, the trams as they drove further into the city.

 

It was a nice feeling, coming home.

 

“Oh, just so you know, Isak.” Magnus began, reaching up and touching Isak on the shoulder. “Um -”

“Magnus, come on. Let’s just get him home first.” Jonas snapped, shooting Magnus a look.

 

Magnus hesitated for a second, looking torn. He was about to pull away when Isak rolled his eyes. “Oh, just tell me. Did my mom do something? Why do you look like that?”

 

Magnus sat back in his seat and Jonas clutched the steering wheel tighter, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. Isak frowned, feeling anxious now. “Tell me right now, Jonas, or I’m going to assume the worst.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Jonas began. “Well, you know Even’s mom?”

 

Isak flinched so hard he startled himself; his neck seizing in an awkward angle as his eyes widened. He let out a sound he could only describe as a combination between a grunt and squeak, completely involuntary.

 

“A-Astrid. Yeah.” Isak whispered. “Of course I know her. What’s happened?”

 

“She passed away two days ago, Is. Even invited us to the funeral, which is tomorrow.”

 

Isak looked back down at his hands, no longer feeling fidgety. No longer remembering how to move, or breathe. All he could think was _no. Not her. Anyone but her._

 

“Does he know I’m...” Isak began, not knowing how to continue.

 

“That you’re back?” Jonas attempted and upon seeing Isak’s face, nodded. “Yeah. I mentioned it. I hope that’s okay.”

 

“Fuck.” Isak said, burying his face in his hands. “ _Fuck.”_

 

What a way to come back, Isak thought. Coming home to learn that someone you used to love is dead, and that that person’s son is probably in agony. The boy Isak had tried to stop thinking about for four and half years just lost his mom; the one person who loved him no matter what. The one human being who never let Even give up. She’s gone.

 

And even though it had been four and half years since they spoke, five years since Isak had felt Even – since Even had seen Isak – and despite the fact that Nathan, someone Isak had claimed to love, was coming to live with Isak in a city he knew nothing about, all Isak wanted in that moment was to hold Even. He wanted to reach up, wrap his arms around Even’s soft frame, and kiss the side of his neck.

**

 

**5 Years Earlier**

**Isak - 22**

 

_Astrid pulled Isak into a huge hug just after Isak and Even announced they were leaving; everyone who was attending the party letting out groans of unhappiness – knowing they wouldn’t see Isak again for a long time._

 

“ _You take care of yourself in that big city, Isak.” Astrid said, kissing Isak on the forehead when she pulled back. “I’ll get Even to you as soon as I can. I promise.”_

 

_Isak was tipsy but happy, pulling Astrid back in against him for another quick hug. “Thank you. I honestly don’t think I can live without him.”_

 

“ _I know you could, but I won’t make you have to live without him. Now get your butt home and sleep before your flight.” Astrid smiled, just as Einar came up behind Isak and wrapped himself around Isak with his growing-by-the-second arms._

 

“ _Bye, Issy!” Einar beamed, attempting and failing to pick Isak up. “You’ll call all the time, right?”_

 

“ _Of course, buddy.”_

 

“ _Good. Or I’ll come to Trump-land and smack you.”_

 

_Even shook his head and pushed Einar away, putting his arm across Isak’s shoulders. “That’s enough, you. I’ll see you tomorrow. Get mom home safe.”_

 

“ _I will. Goodnight.” Einar hollered, dashing back into the living room to follow Astrid._

 

“ _I’ll miss them.” Isak said, kissing Even on the mouth and wishing they weren’t in public so he could linger a little longer._

 

“ _It’s not goodbye forever, you -”_

 

“ _Drama Queen. Yep, thanks. You’ve only called me that six million times tonight.” Isak rolled his eyes._

 

“ _Well, it’s still the truth.” Even shrugged._

 

“ _And you’re still a dick.”_

 

“ _And you still love me.”_

 

_Isak smiled, running his fingertips along Even’s jawline. “You’re not wrong.”_

 


	2. Changes

**Isak -18, Even – 19**

**June 21 st **

_“I want you. Please, Even.”_

_Isak hadn’t asked for this in a long time. Not directly. They’d talked about it before, back when they’d first gotten together. But it had always been Even under Isak, or Even riding Isak until Isak was shaking; hardly able to hold onto Even’s hips._

_But tonight._

_Tonight, Isak wanted something different. He wanted Even to take him._

_Even was lying down under Isak, his legs spread wide and invitingly. But as Isak whispered the words and their meaning became clear to Even, he stopped pulling Isak against him. He stopped thrusting up into Isak, and he suddenly became really still._

_“You mean..?” Even began, reaching up to feel Isak’s face. The tips of his fingers brushed Isak’s lips and Isak was too far gone, too unable to resist.  He took two of Even’s long fingers into his mouth and immediately started sucking them, moaning around them and pushing his hips down hard into the v-shape of Even’s legs._

_“Fuck, Isak.”_

_Isak already had Even shirtless and hard, writhing on the bed. It didn’t take much to get his pants off too, kissing down his body with intent. “I want it so bad, Ev. Want this inside me.” He wrapped his curved lips around Even and sunk down as far as he could, bringing both hands up to rub against Even’s chest._

_Even groaned deep, arching his back and reaching down to hold Isak’s hair. The movement caused his dick to go further down inside Isak’s mouth, almost choking him. But Isak had done this many times, knew Even wouldn’t push him too far. Even pulled at the curls of Isak’s hair, reminding him he needed a haircut but also making him thankful he hadn’t done that yet. He loved when Even held his hair and rode his face; knew how much it drove Even crazy too._

_Isak had come in his own boxers the first time he’d done this; had let Even fuck his face. It was just so much, overwhelmed him in the best of ways. With just a light touch to his own dick after a few minutes he’d come, moaning around Even and making his boyfriend shoot right down his throat._

_As much as he wanted that, he wanted something else more. He pulled off regretfully and kissed back up Even’s bare chest until he found his mouth again. Even still held onto his hair as he pushed his tongue inside Isak’s mouth, breathing out harshly through his nose._

_“It’s my birthday.” Isak whined, straddling Even and rubbing their leaking dicks together. He pushed down again and again, seeing the breath get knocked out of Even, seeing how Even’s scarred eyebrows turned into a frown as he panted in pleasure. “Don’t I get whatever I want?”_

_“Isak, Jesus Christ. Stop for a second or I’m going to come.” Even pleaded, holding Isak’s hips and stilling him. Isak didn’t want to stop but he obeyed, hoping Even wasn’t about to deny him what he desperately needed right now._

_“Even, what? Please? I just –“_

_“I’m not saying_ no, _you absolute fucker.” Even giggled, pushing until he was sitting up and leaning against the headboard. Isak followed, still sitting on his boyfriend’s lap._

_“So, you’ll fuck me?” Isak asked, starting up the grind again; unable to help it considering Even was hard underneath him and also sexy as hell. Even was flushed and slightly sweaty, splotches of red appearing on his pale chest. “I want to ride you just like this. Like when you make me come on your fingers. Would that be good?”_

_“You’re going to kill me, I swear to God.” Even moaned, nodding and motioning to the bedside table where they kept the lube. “Reach over and grab what we need.”_

_It was Isak’s turn to moan now, jumping off for only a second before he was back, handing Even the lube. Even waited for what Isak assumed was his boyfriend to climb back onto his lap. Isak considered for a second and then smirked to himself._

_“Isak? Are you having second thoughts? Because we…”_

_Isak straddled Even again, but this time it was facing the other way. Isak braced himself on Even’s thighs and sat back down on Even’s dick, looking over his shoulder at Even who was now blushing. Isak wriggled his ass along Even’s dick and they both groaned._

_“Do it like this.” Isak demanded, feeling precome leak from his tip. “Finger me open and then take me on my hands and knees.”_

_“Fucking hell.” Even whispered, his head thunking against the back of the headboard. “How the hell did I get this lucky? And when did you become so bossy?”_

_“Just do it, Even. Please. I’m so hard right now.” Isak hissed, really not kidding. He was so worked up, so desperate for Even. He always was. They’d been together for almost a year and this feeling had only gotten stronger. Every time they kissed or started anything, Isak was so weak for it. His whole body wanted Even all the time, but the thought of Even actually fucking him was driving Isak insane. He’d only been thinking about it forever._

_“Okay, okay. I’ll give you what you need.” Even said, reaching along Isak’s rim with wet fingers. Isak had been too busy whining to realize Even was already prepared, his hand covered in lube. Isak moaned as Even touched him, teasing around his opening. “You’re still open from last night. Shit.”_

_Isak pushed his ass back, trying to take two of Even’s fingers right away because he knew he probably could. Even had fingered Isak while blowing him last night, and Isak had nearly lost his mind because it had been so good. Even had pushed his fingers in hard, holding the tips against Isak’s prostate. The thought made Isak moan as Even pushed in deep again, not going slow the way he normally would have._

_“I wish I could…I wish…” Even was moaning, starting to thrust into Isak with three fingers. Isak was so caught up in the agonizing pleasure, almost ready to come from just this. He breathed out, trying to clear his mind._

_“You wish what? Baby, you can have it. Anything you want to do to me.” Isak moaned, moving between Even’s legs so his elbows were on the bed. He braced himself as he fucked back into Even’s hand, not sure he would last until Even actually got inside him._

_“I…I…Fuck, Isak are you ready?” Even asked, suddenly moving himself so he was on his knees, right behind Isak with his hands on Isak’s hips. “Think you can take me now?”_

_Isak groaned, feeling empty. “Yes._ Yes. _Do it.”_

_Even positioned himself at Isak’s entrance and took in a deep breath. Isak relaxed as much as he could, still so eager; the blood roaring inside his ears._

_As Even began to push in, excruciatingly slowly, Isak heard him whisper something. Isak frowned, not able to quite hear it, and also completely distracted by the pressure; a combination of pleasure and pain as Even nearly bottomed out in one, smooth thrust._

_“Slow. Please.” Isak managed to gasp, needing to catch his breath._

_“Okay. Tell me when I can…ugh…move.” Even said, gripping Isak’s hips tight to prevent himself from moving any more._

_Isak knew it would feel like this - like his body wouldn’t be able to handle it. He was expecting it. Even felt huge inside him, like he was never ending. But after a minute, the pressure bled away and Isak knew he was ready._

_“Even, you can…”_

_“I wish I could see you.” Even blurted out, the words low and broken. Even began to move slowly before Isak had a chance to reply, the pleasure sparking through both of them with a forceful shock. Isak groaned and hung his head, unable to not feel it._

_“Fuck._ Yes.” _It sounded stupid, even to Isak, but all he could think about in the moment was how much he felt complete now. As if he’d been missing something and now he’d finally gotten it. He’d never felt closer to someone, so utterly vulnerable and taken. It was a wonderful feeling._

_“Is it…are you…” Even was saying, and his words broke Isak out of his haze. Even sounded unsure, and a bit lost._

 

I wish I could see you _._

_Without letting Even slip out, Isak pushed himself up until he could sit properly in Even’s lap, both of them crouched on their knees. Isak put his head back on Even’s shoulder and started to ride Even slowly, letting them both adjust; letting Isak have some control over this._

 

_“It’s amazing, Even. You have no idea.” Isak whispered, reaching for Even’s hands and bringing them around to touch Isak’s torso; wanting Even to see how flushed his boyfriend was, how much he wanted this._

_“I have some idea.” Even moaned, thrusting up a little harder this time – gaining back some confidence._

_Isak once again moved Even’s hands, this time up to his face. He turned his head so he could be closer to kissing reach, and put Even’s left hand on his cheek. “You_ can _see me, Even. I’m right here.”_

_Even stilled for a second, frowning a little and Isak worried he’d said the wrong thing. But then Even found Isak’s lips, and his forehead and his jawline. Memorizing the features again and again just before he started thrusting up, ultimately bringing his hands back down to lace between Isak’s._

_“You’re fucking beautiful, Isak.”_

_**_

 

**Isak -27, Even -29**

“Isak. You’re home.” Terje whispered the words as if he were in awe, practically dropping the glass of orange juice he was holding as he made his way over to Isak. Isak let go of his suitcase as he stood in the front hallway of his father’s house, just in time to embrace his father; breathe in the familiar scent of the older man’s cologne.

 

“Hi, Pappa.”

 

“God, you’ve got _scruff.”_ Terje chuckled, and Isak didn’t miss the way he quickly wiped a tear falling down his cheek. “I didn’t think that would ever happen.”

 

Isak rubbed his chin, knowing he needed a shave. “I can actually grow a pretty impressive beard now.”

 

“Wow. Come in, come in. I was just getting lunch started.” Terje motioned for Isak to go into the smaller kitchen, grabbing Isak’s single suitcase.

 

Isak complied, taking in the familiar walls of his father’s house; the wooden panelling and old-fashioned appliances inside the kitchen. He sat down at the table and rubbed his eyes.

 

“You still like roast beef on whole wheat right?”

 

Isak smiled. “Anything is fine. I’m more tired than I am hungry right now.”

 

“I made up the guest room. Put aside some towels and things.” Terje explained, putting together a sandwich despite Isak’s admission. Isak frowned, realizing his father’s hands were shaking and he was moving around in twitchy motions, like he kept surprising himself.

 

“Pappa?”

 

“Hmm?” Terje didn’t look at his son. His eyes stayed on the cutting board, the roast beef, the mayonnaise and lettuce.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing, nothing.”

 

Isak wasn’t convinced. He stood up, feeling the fatigue in basically every pore, and walked towards his father until he placed a hand over top of Terje’s to make him stop. Terje sighed and closed his eyes, looking pained. Isak noticed for the first time how weathered his father looked; how the wrinkles around his eyes had deepened. Perhaps not just from age.

 

“Tell me?”

 

“It’s just…your mother. And Lea. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what either of them need, and I wanted things to feel easier when you got home. But nothing feels easy. Nothing _is_ easy and I…”

 

Isak stopped his father’s ramblings by pulling him into a tight hug, hanging on longer than usual. Isak felt like he needed the comfort too. He wasn’t quite ready to face his mother and sister. Or anything else his friends had just told him.

 

“ _Should I…come to the funeral?” Isak had asked Jonas._

_“Even asked that you would.”_

“We’ll figure it out together, Pappa.” Isak said, closing his eyes - momentarily trying to forget about the funeral. And Even.

 

His own family needed attention.

 

“Lea just won’t _talk_ to me. Except to yell. And she won’t see your mother.”

 

“Ever since you sold the house?”

 

Terje nodded, stepping away and shaking his head. Isak knew his mother had been moved into a facility two years ago. He knew her house was gone and sold. He knew Lea had been unhappy about it. But from the state of his father’s face, Isak clearly hadn’t been given all the information.

 

“Does Mamma know who Lea is? Or you?” Isak asked hesitantly.

 

_Me?_

 

“Sometimes. Not always. The doctors can’t understand her regression. She was doing well, living at home. I know she was sending you letters.” Terje said, sitting down at the kitchen table and rubbing his hands on his forehead.

 

_My dearest Isak, the days are blurring together. It was raining on Wednesday and now it’s sunny. I wish I could remember what the weather was doing the day you were born._

“Fuck. I should have come home to help, Pappa. Why didn’t you tell me this was such a mess?”

 

“There wasn’t anything you could do, Isak. I didn’t lie to you. You knew Mamma wasn’t doing well. You’ve seen how Lea acts. But I wanted you to focus on your school.” Terje pleaded, looking worried. “For once I wanted you to be able to focus on yourself.”

 

Isak was used to being tired. He knew what it was to function on hardly any sleep. His body should have been used to it. But as he stood there staring into the eyes of his father, imagining his mother lying in a ward bed somewhere, half out of her mind – and Lea hormonally raging at everything and feeling alone – and Even _;_ Isak found himself bursting into tears. The fatigue overwhelmed him, imploded within his stomach, and it felt like someone had sucker-punched him.

 

Coming home no longer felt right. Everything was so _wrong._

“Isak? It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” Terje whispered, trying to pull Isak into another hug. But Isak backed away, sitting down on one of the kitchen chairs.

 

“I just need…a second.”

 

**

 

**New York City – 2 days ago**

**Isak – 27**

“Jesus, Nathan. You don’t _have_ to come with me. I told you that months ago.” Isak snapped, throwing his clothes into his carry-on bag; the rest of his things tucked away neatly in his suitcase that rested near the apartment door.

 

“Seriously, Isak? Why wouldn’t I come with you? We’ve been together for three years. I _love_ you. This is what people do when they love each other. They make sacrifices!” Nathan said, sounding exasperated as he hovered in their bedroom, watching Isak pack the rest of his stuff before the flight in the morning.

 

“Okay. I get that. But why do you have to keep insinuating how weird it’s going to be in Norway for you? Or how much you’re giving up to come and be with me? It makes it seem like you’d much rather stay here. And that’s fucking…annoying, to be honest with you.” Isak spat, shaking his head. He didn’t want to do this right now. He wanted to look forward to coming home – not argue with his boyfriend.

 

“I’m not trying to do that.” Nathan said, his tone so sincere that it made Isak stop and look at him properly.

 

Isak felt a wave of guilt wash over him as he looked at Nathan – his soft, rounded features nervous and pinched. Nathan was always over-worried about everything. It had taken Isak a few months after they started dating to realize how unsure of himself Nathan really was, how he couldn’t quite feel confident in his decisions without constant reassurance. It was definitely annoying sometimes, but Isak had a soft spot for his boyfriend because of all the other wonderful qualities he possessed.

 

Mainly, his ability to put up with Isak’s very busy life. Nathan wasn’t in med school. He didn’t work crazy hours like Isak. Nathan worked in a high school as a tutor. In fact, they’d barely seen each other for the first few months they were officially together – something Isak was kind of grateful for. Although nearly two years after Even, Nathan was Isak’s first relationship, first _anything_ , and it was entirely weird to him. Holding hands with someone who wasn’t Even; especially when this boy’s hand was smaller than Even’s. Isak was taller by nearly six inches, never quite knowing how to hug Nathan goodnight because he was so short. Nathan’s hair was dark brown, his eyes the same colour, and Isak couldn’t help but be disappointed every time he looked into them. They weren’t blue.

 

Nathan was grabby too. Always all over Isak. He wanted to kiss all the time, hold hands in public all the time. It took Isak a while before he got used to it and was able to tell Nathan no when he needed to.

 

_“I don’t need to look into your eyes.” Isak had snapped one night, irritated when Nathan asked him to look at him as he was blowing him._

_“But, I want to see you.” Nathan frowned, looking confused. “Eye contact is hot for me. Please?”_

_“No. I’m…just let me finish you off. Put your hands in my hair.”_

 

Basically, it had taken Isak a long time to stop comparing Nathan to Even. But eventually, he’d managed it. He got over Even. He felt able to say goodbye to what they’d had and start living with Nathan; building something together. Having a boyfriend was a good thing.

 

“You’ll like Oslo.” Isak said, wrapping his arms around Nathan and pulling him into his chest. “And it will finally make you learn how to speak Norwegian.”

 

Nathan chuckled and leaned up for a kiss. “But probably not. You can just be my translator.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Even POV :)


	3. Astrid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I'm going to warn you.. there is a lot of angst in this chapter. I literally sobbed writing this. But I promise there is a happy ending to this fic. And there is fluff coming too. 
> 
> I re-read IFIWYLAM and I realized how quickly I jumped into their story. The romance and their connection. There wasn't much of a build-up because that's just how I see Isak and Even. This story is also like that. We're jumping right into the deep emotions, the hard and complicated things too. But hey, y'all seemed to like that in part one so I'm hoping it won't seem like too much in part two. 
> 
> Even POV for this chapter.

**Even – 29**

**Isak - 27**

 

“Even, your tie is on backwards.”

 

Einar’s voice was small and shaking, coming directly from behind where Even stood. The older brother clung to the side of the window pane, feeling the sun soak into his black suit. He was sweating already, unsure of how long he’d been standing there.

 

“I never put it on backwards.” He sighed, turning around and nearly bumping into Einar’s frame. God, he forgot how tall the kid was getting. Einar would always be Even’s little brother, but soon enough – too soon – Even had a feeling Einar would meet if not surpass him in height.

 

That thought was way too weird.

 

“Well, today you did. Let me fix it.” Einar whispered, reaching up to undo Even’s tie. Normally Even would have protested and demanded to fix it himself. But today he let Einar gently tug it off and wrap it around his neck to begin again.

 

“Time?” Even asked.

 

“Just past 11. People will be here soon.”

 

“Are you dressed?” Even reached out to answer his own question, feeling the smooth material of Einar’s black suit. It was supposed to match Even’s. It was supposed to match how the insides of their hearts were feeling.

 

“Yep.”

 

“Your hair isn’t a mess, is it?”

 

“Fuck off, Even. It’s _fine.”_

 

“Language.”

 

“You’re not Mom.” Einar snapped, letting go of the tie and slamming his fists down on Even’s chest. The force of it made Even step back a few steps, reaching out to steady himself just before he would have fallen on his ass. He breathed out harshly through his nose.

 

“Einar, Jesus. I could have fallen!”

 

“Evy, I’m sorry. Shit.” Einar said, his voice back to being small. Before Even could move another inch, his little brother wrapped his arms around Even and hugged him hard, sobs wracking his body a second later. Even rubbed Einar’s back, trying to keep his own tears at bay.

 

“It’s fine. It’s fine, Einar. Listen.” Even said calmly, pulling his brother’s face up so he could wipe the tears streaming down the teenager’s face. He felt acne bumps on Einar’s cheeks, the stickiness of the gel remaining around his forehead. He smelled of deodorant and minty toothpaste. “I’m not mad. I’m not upset at you, all right?”

 

“I should have thought about… _fuck._ I could have hurt you Even…” Einar muttered, shaking his head and trying to pull away. Even didn’t let him get far.

 

“Shut up, you dumbo. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. I trust you with my life, Einar.”

 

Einar’s crying eventually stopped and Even let go. He waited patiently, quite proud of himself that he wasn’t also crying, and gave Einar a weak smile. “Will you sort out my tie for me now, please?”

 

Einar let out a small chuckle, the sound of it so light and boyish that Even’s heart clenched. His brother – not even out of high school – shouldn’t be going to a funeral today. He should be out with his friends, having lunch together, carefree. Einar shouldn’t have to tie his brother’s tie because Even’s hands were too shaky to do it properly, his mind clogged with the next step.

 

It was the casket colour and then which church. Where his mother would be buried. What happened with her will. The flowers. The cost. The food. The suits. What she would wear as they lowered her into the ground. Who would take care of…

 

_No._ Even stopped himself. He wasn’t thinking about that yet. He fucking couldn’t.

 

“You’re set.” Einar said, patting Even lightly by the top of his collar before pulling away. “We should head downstairs.”

 

Even swallowed down the scream that had been sitting in his throat for three days now and reached for his cane. He clenched it so tightly in his hand that his knuckles popped.

 

“I’m ready.”

 

**

 

**5 Years Earlier: Christmas**

**Even – 24**

**Isak – 22**

_“Even, what do you mean?” Isak shrieked, the sound so loud that Even moved his face away from his phone for a second._

_“Isak, please don’t make me say it again.” Even whispered, knowing he wouldn’t be able to. He wouldn’t be able to say the words that he didn’t mean but absolutely had to say._

_“So, that’s it? That’s all I get? A phone call?”_

_“Isak –“_

_“I’ve been waiting for you to come here for months, Even! Months!” Isak continued, and Even could hear that Isak was crying. He was sniffling and sputtering, probably making a mess of his beautiful face. “You kept saying you wanted to come and be with me. That you were planning for it. And now… now all of a sudden, you’re breaking up with me? You’re ending the life we were supposed to be making here together?”_

_Even wanted to deny it. He wanted to take his earlier words back and tell Isak the actual truth. He wanted to explain to Isak that he didn’t have a choice, that he couldn’t leave now – and that Isak certainly couldn’t come home. They had to stay exactly where they were. Isak couldn’t leave the life he wanted behind for Even. Not when Isak would be coming home to the broken mess that Even would undoubtedly turn out to be._

_“Yes, Isak. I’m ending it.”_

_“Even,_ please. _Please don’t do this to us.” Isak cried, his voice almost indecipherable because of his violent sobs. “I don’t understand…”_

_Even couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t keep hanging on the line, letting Isak believe he would change his mind. He had to do this in such a severe way that Isak wouldn’t want to come home. He wouldn’t even debate it, question it – want it._

_Even had to make Isak not want him anymore._

_“I don’t love you anymore, Isak. It’s simple as that. I don’t want you…” Even’s voice broke, betraying him, but he continued. “And you’ll be better off in New York, focusing on school. I know you’ll be a great doctor, Isak. But we’re not great together anymore.”_

_“Even…” Isak said, basically gasping the word, sounding like he was dying. And every cell in Even’s body hated what he was doing to the boy he loved – the boy who would always be his forever. But Isak deserved more. He deserved his life to be normal and better after all the shit he’d gone through, and staying together with Even would complicate it again; make it worse._

_Their time together, the happy life they had made in their tiny apartment during university, with their pictures all over the walls – the smell of their different coffees brewing in the morning, football gaming until midday on weekends, cuddles in bed and Oslo adventures with their friends; everything Even held dear and would keep close to his heart always, was over._

_“Goodbye, Isak. Take care of yourself.”_

_“You don’t want me…” Isak said, loud enough that it stopped Even from hanging up the phone as he had planned – wanting to make that clean break. He sucked in a harsh breath, feeling like the world was shattering around him._

_“You really don’t…want me, Even?”_

_Even’s eyes welled up with tears, his chest tight and burning._ I’ll always want you, Isak. I’ll never stop loving you. You’ll always be the fall for me – crisp and bright and wonderful, warm and gentle and kind. Please come home and help me. I can’t do this alone. I can’t. I can’t.

 

_Even coughed loudly, shaking his head._ He deserves more than you.

 

_“I don’t. Goodbye, Isak.” And before he could stop himself again, he turned off his phone and threw it across the room._

**

 

**Even – 29**

**Isak – 27**

“Even, do you need some help with the food?”

 

Even flinched as if burned, turning his body towards the person who had spoken. He should have known the voice. Everyone who was here today was someone he knew, but for some reason he didn’t have a clue who was standing in front of him.

 

“I…what?” He asked, frowning at his own confusion. What had he just been doing? How much time had passed? Where was Einar? Was it time for speeches yet?

 

“The people you invited are here now and I wondered about the food. You’re holding a platter of sandwiches.” The voice was kind. Male. Familiar.

 

Even’s brain was so fogged though, entirely cloudy. He still couldn’t place it. And he was suddenly aware of the giant glass plate he was holding, his fingers aching from the position. He handed the plate slowly over to the nice person, attempting a smile.

 

“Thanks. I…I must have zoned out.”

 

“That’s okay. It was a lovely service by the way.” The man said, and he suddenly reached out to place a hand on Even’s shoulder. He squeezed tighter than Even expected. “I’m really sorry again about your Mom.”

 

“Yeah. Thanks.”

 

Even heard the man walk away, carrying the food out into Even’s living room. His head was aching and his suit was feeling sweltering; like he was stuck inside a cage directly in the sun. He shrugged off his jacket, not caring if he looked too casual. He’d been in this thing all fucking day. He’d sat in the church pew with the jacket rubbing tightly against his elbows. He had walked with Einar beside him through the cemetery to where his mother was put inside the earth, the crotch of his suit pants squeaking against his thighs because it was brand new and hadn’t been worn before. And now he was back home, trying to entertain people with sandwiches and cheese platters; pretending everything was normal.

 

His suit could fuck right off, thanks very much. He resisted the urge to put jeans on and walked back towards the guests, this part of the day reserved for only friends and close family. Everyone had had a chance to give their respects at the funeral home, but Even had wanted to have the people who really knew his mother back to his place for a smaller gathering.

 

He was regretting it a little now though, wanting nothing more than to climb into bed and stay there for a week. Maybe two.

 

“Hey. I got the sandwiches out for you, bud.” The same male voice said, standing close to Even’s right as he hovered in the living room doorway.

 

Now Even recognized it. Of course.

 

Jonas.

 

“Thank you for that. And for showing up.” Even smiled, a rush of warmth filling his chest. Even had always liked Jonas. Right from the start.

 

“Of course. Magnus and Mahdi are here. And Vilde. Eva had to work but she sends her love. Sana is on her way.” Jonas explained. Even nodded absentmindedly, making a mental note to thank Sana for everything she had helped organize for Even the past few days. She’d barely left his side.

 

“Sonja?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows in question. Jonas turned around, the movement quick enough for Even to feel it. Then Jonas was taking his hand and pointing him in the right direction.

 

“She’s with Einar. On the couch.”

 

“Thanks.” Even said, making another mental note to thank Sonja. Again. Thousands of times. She was the one to thank for Even still being here; standing in his house. The reason Einar wasn’t alone in burying their mother. The reason his mother had lived as long as she did.

 

If it hadn’t been for Sonja…

 

“Oh. I…I know this isn’t the time for this right now but…” Jonas began, breaking into Even’s thoughts and sounding suddenly uncomfortable. Even frowned, unsure what could be causing Jonas to sound like this. Jonas was always so laid back, so able to go with the flow. And now he could barely get the sentence out.

 

“What is it?” Even asked, trying to sound reassuring.

 

“I did what you said and asked…I asked Isak to come today.” Jonas whispered, his hushed voice trembling. Jonas took hold of Even’s left hand, his hand a little damp and sweaty, and clung to it tightly before letting go. “He just got here if you want me to…”

 

“I…” Even interrupted, his throat constricting. That lump – that _scream –_ threatening to come rushing out. Why had he told Jonas to invite Isak? _Why_ would he do that to himself? To _Isak?_ He was the stupidest goddamn person on the planet. He was selfish and cruel and _couldn’t_ handle this by any means right now. Not today. “Jonas, I don’t know if that…”

 

“ _Shit.”_ Jonas said, nervously shifting from foot to foot. “I knew I shouldn’t have invited him. I knew you were just being nice about it. I’ll tell him to go.”

 

Even wanted to tell Jonas that that was probably for the best. That he had been manic when he’d told Jonas to bring Isak. That he was grief stricken and dying inside and when Jonas had said Isak was coming home – _finally –_ coming back to Oslo after five years, the only thing Even wanted was to see him again. To have his person here, in this room, arms wrapped around Even and telling him it was okay. That he could live even though his mother was gone. That he would be all right even though Einar was in need of someone to take care of him and nobody trusted a blind guy who was mentally unwell. Even wanted to hear that soft, gentle voice in his ear saying how capable he was; how Einar didn’t need anyone else to take care of him, that Even was doing everything he could and that he’d been working so hard the past five years to make something of himself. All Even had wanted in that moment – in the thousands of moments without Isak over the years – was the one person who Even never should have pushed away.

 

Even didn’t deserve to have Isak in his house, giving him sympathy. He didn’t deserve Isak’s kind words or his gentle caresses – or _anything._ Isak didn’t owe him anything. But the thought that Isak was in this room, probably staring at Even right this very second, made that selfish, brain-numbing desire surge through Even all over again and he couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t let Jonas make Isak leave.

 

“No.” Even said, reaching for Jonas who had already walked away. “No. _Please.”_

 

Jonas was back at his side the next second, rubbing a hand down Even’s back. And Even was suddenly aware of how quiet the room was, how perhaps he had just shouted those words to Jonas and unintentionally gotten the attention of all the guests in his house right now. He tried to steady his breathing, tried to grab onto something solid. But he just felt himself tumbling over an edge, his body feeling shaky and tingly.

 

“I…I need to…” He tried to speak, tried to say he needed to sit down. But words weren’t coming to him. His brain wasn’t working. He knew Jonas was still with him, right next to him, and people were murmuring around him. But nothing was clear. Nothing was loud enough for him to focus on, and it made him panic more. He felt like he was drowning.

 

But then, suddenly and so devastatingly softly, a pair of hands latched onto his and pulled him upright. The hands took his body weight, gave him that firm embrace he’d needed – been _begging_ for – and he took in what felt like his first breath in minutes. The hands moved to his elbows, up the sides of his biceps until they were resting at the collar of Even’s shirt – one hand right over his fluttering heart.

 

“Even. It’s okay. _You’re_ okay.”

 

Even could have sobbed. He could have fallen to his knees in relief, in _happiness;_ nothing in the world more clear, more crisp than that smooth voice. And before he could stop himself, before he could tell himself it was a bad idea – that Isak belonged to someone else now – he moved his own hands up and felt Isak’s face. His strong jaw – the stubble there, his defined cheeks and the softness of his ears. He felt Isak for the first time in five years; took in the sight of him with every breath he took, every frantic beat of his heart.

 

He wanted to say sorry. He wanted to tell Isak everything. Even wanted Astrid here, hugging them both – healthy again and free of hospitals. Her hair flowing in the summer breeze; Einar between them in their bed in the early mornings begging to be chased. He wanted to be Romeo and Juliet again, under that light, clinging to each other like they had to; like if they let go, everything would shatter. He wanted to say everything that had sat within him, festering and spreading – slowly killing him like the cancer had killed Astrid.

 

But the only thing he could think to say, the only thing that had ever mattered, was: “ _Isak.”_

 

**

 

**Even – 29**

**3 Days Earlier**

_“Mom?” Einar gasped the word from the doorway, making Even turn from where he sat next to his mother’s hospital bed; the monitors beeping having lulled him into a kind of trance._

_“My baby.” Astrid croaked, and Even was surprised to hear she was awake. She’d been sleeping all afternoon; the doctors unable to wake her for longer than a few minutes before she was asleep again. “Please come here. Come sit next to Evy.”_

_Even swallowed hard at the nickname, not knowing how many more times he’d hear her say it. He knew they were running on limited time – that he had no clue how many days might be left. It could be tomorrow. The next day. The next hour._

_“Mom, I…” Einar began, sitting down next to Even in the other chair – the chairs that had been their home for most of the last year. The chairs were shaped to form around their bums and legs by now – the leather knowing them by heart._

_“It’s okay. I’m here.” Astrid interrupted, her voice like sandpaper. Einar was already crying. He cried every time he came into the room recently, on every visit. And Even knew how much that frustrated Einar. He wanted to seem strong in front of her – didn’t want her to worry._

_“I got my essay back in History. I got the highest mark in the class.” Einar sobbed, and Even reached an arm around his brother’s back; holding him as close as he could._

_“Of course you did. You’re the brightest boy I know.” Astrid said, and Even could hear the smile in her voice. He’d always loved his mother’s smile. It was so kind and beautiful – could instantly make him feel better._

_For some reason, violently and out of nowhere, he started crying too. He’d been so good at keeping things together – not crying in front of his mother or Einar. He saved that for Sonja or someone else. The person he was currently screwing. His therapist. But as he sat in the quiet, dark room with his family – two of the three people he loved most in all the world – he couldn’t help but feel like it would be for the last time. It would be the last time they took in and let out breaths in the same space. The last time they’d all be touching; all be…_ alive.

 

_“Even, you’re okay. You’ll be okay. I know you both will be.” Astrid said, reaching out and taking Even’s hand. Her skin was cold and clammy but Even clung back to her, putting his face down towards the bed and letting out what felt like every tear he’d hidden from her, every sob he hadn’t known what to do with when she’d been diagnosed – when he knew he had to stay and help her – when he’d been so alone trying to keep it together._

_“Mom.” Even kept saying, shaking his head as she ran his fingers through his hair. Einar was clinging to him now, also trying to comfort Even. “Mom, please don’t go. Please.”_

**

 

_Even had fallen asleep on his mother’s bed, Einar next to him – all three of their hands resting together near the side of the mattress. And when Astrid’s heart stopped beating, Even was deep into his dreams – submerged in a universe where his mother was well and where Isak was back in his arms._


	4. Strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV Isak

**Isak – 27**

**The Day Before the Funeral**

Isak stood outside his sister’s bedroom door, hovering. He was snapping his fingers because he couldn’t muster up the will to just knock. He’d been here for nearly five minutes now, listening to Lea’s melodramatic music pound through the wooden door and wishing he had some type of clue as to what he was going to say.

 

He knew he was being stupid. He knew Lea was just his sister. He shouldn’t be nervous of all things. But he was. He felt like they hadn’t had a proper conversation in a long time. Lea barely stayed on Skype long enough to say hello let alone ask Isak about his life or have him ask questions about hers. He didn’t know who her friends were, what she was interested in. He didn’t know which band he was currently hearing her listen to. And that put him in a weird place. They were family, but strangers.

 

Isak rubbed a hand over his tired face and whispered _fuck it_ under his breath before reaching up and knocking on the door three times.

 

“What?” Lea snapped, the music suddenly stopping.

 

Isak widened his eyes a little and cleared his throat. “Um. It’s Isak. Can we talk?”

 

There was a long pause and Isak wondered if Lea was about to turn her song back on and ignore him entirely, but then the door swung open and Lea crossed her arms in front of her; eyeing Isak up suspiciously.

 

“You’re back.” She said, not looking pleased or disgusted by the news.

 

“Yeah. Here I am. In the flesh.” Isak said, internally cringing at how stupid he sounded. Lea didn’t smile or even blink at his attempted light mood, but rather turned around and walked back into her room. Isak followed hesitantly.

 

Lea’s room had been re-painted to a light green, her dresser and headboard a black painted wood. Isak looked around and saw that Lea had a huge collection of books on her shelf and that she had several framed photos of herself and who Isak assumed were her friends. Isak sent up a silent prayer of thanks that Lea had friends, people she could confide in and be close to.

 

Isak sat down on Lea’s bed as she took her desk chair, spinning around in it to face Isak. He glanced over, trying to see which book Lea was reading on her nightstand, when his eyes were drawn to the large photo right above her bed of her and a boy.

 

A very familiar looking boy.

 

“Holy shit. Is that _Einar?”_ Isak asked before he could stop himself, his mouth hanging open. He couldn’t believe how similar Einar looked to Even. He was just as tall, his hair just as dark blonde and unruly – crooked teeth and a bright smile. Isak remembered the first time he ever met Einar, the small boy running towards him wearing a tall hat and full of facts about Abe Lincoln.

 

Lea blushed instantly and pulled her sweater sleeves over her palms. “Uh. Yeah. We’re friends.”

 

Isak knew Einar and Lea had basically grown up together. Astrid made sure they had friend dates all the time. Isak usually saw Lea in Einar’s room whenever he went over to Even’s house, Huxley nestled between them as they played on the carpet. He felt a sudden smile break across his face and he flashed it at Lea.

 

“I’m glad you two are still friends. That’s been how many years now?”

 

“Nine. Do you know about…” Lea cut herself off, Isak seeing her eyes pool with tears and she looked away. She sucked in a harsh breath, sounding as if she were trying to hide her cries.

 

“Jonas told me. About Astrid.” Isak whispered, still not sure he could believe it. How could that woman - that beautiful, wonderful human being be gone? Lea, of course, knew how wonderful Astrid was; how for a long time Astrid was like a second mother to both of them.

 

“He told you?” Lea asked, sounding confused. “When did he tell you?”

 

Isak frowned. “Today. When he picked me up from the airport.”

 

“Oh. So you didn’t know before that?”

 

“No. Should I have? What was there to know?” Isak asked, realizing that he’d never actually asked what happened to her. Had it been an accident? Some kind of illness? Isak had no idea. But why was Lea assuming he would have known anything sooner? Lea never talked about Astrid. Isak didn’t even know she was still in contact with Einar and therefore Even’s family. Isak had been studiously avoiding thinking about Even for years – three long years to be exact. The topic of Astrid hadn’t crossed his mind in a very, very long time.

 

Lea squirmed a little in her chair and then shrugged her shoulders. “Nothing. I…She was sick. She had breast cancer. I thought maybe you knew.”

 

Isak had a sudden image of Astrid – who was always so full of life and going a million miles a minute – sick and unable to move in a hospital bed; her hair gone and her muscles weak. He pictured Even standing next to her bed, watching his mother wither away. He closed his eyes against the thought of it, his head unable to comprehend the idea.

 

“You know Even and I broke up a long time ago, Lea. And you never share anything about your life with me. How would I have known anything?” he whispered, not trying to make his sister feel bad. It was just the truth.

 

“You never seemed like you cared about my life when you left.” Lea said, her voice dark and sad.

 

Isak looked at her closely, wanting to argue. He wanted to shout at her that he’d _always_ cared about her, that once she had come back into his life when things had settled down with their parents, he’d made it a personal mission to stay close to her. He’d taken her to films countless times with Even and Einar, got her ice cream and took her to the park. They’d gone over to their mother’s house and made dinner with her, watched her have weeks and weeks in a row of no episodes. Lea had come to Isak’s Nissen graduation and his university graduation, carrying flowers and smiling proudly at him as he’d had his arms wrapped around Even, posing for pictures.

 

But he didn’t want to throw five year or older memories in her face. The fact was that he hadn’t been in the same room with his sister for five years, and no matter the wonders of technology, the distance had taken its toll. And Isak being a broken mess of a person for longer than he cared to admit, definitely had something to do with why Lea felt like a stranger to him. Why his father felt like a stranger.

 

“I’m sorry, Lea. I’m sorry I left and that we…that we _haven’t_ talked.” Isak said.

 

Lea shrugged again, probably trying to be stoic; like she didn’t have feelings he could possible effect or hurt. “It doesn’t matter. I know you had your scholarship.”

 

“That doesn’t mean shit.” Isak sighed, angry with himself that this is what he’d let happen. He’d never thought he would be as distant with his sibling as many people were. A lot of people didn’t try to have close relationships with their brothers or sisters because they were just that – a _sibling._ But that had never been the case with Isak and Lea. Her being his sister was never a small label. It had meant the world to Isak and he was only just realizing now that he’d thrown it away. “Me going to school shouldn’t have made you feel like I’d…like I’d stopped caring.”

 

Lea seemed surprised by these words, her body now fully facing her brother. She was still clenching to the ends of her sweater, a nervous gesture if Isak ever saw one, but her face was less clouded; slightly more open and inviting.

 

“I felt like I lost you.” She said in a quiet voice, looking like it was hard for her admit such a thing. “You were always there. We always did so much together and then…you left. It felt like I didn’t have a brother anymore. And when Mom got bad again…I didn’t know what to do.”

 

“God, Lea, I’m so sorry.” Isak sighed, his chest so tight it was hard to breathe. He kept picturing Lea, still a child, confused as to why their mother didn’t know her. Why Marianne wasn’t making sense. Why Marianne was in a home now, unable to live by herself. “Dad didn’t really tell me everything about Mom. It’s like he didn’t want me to think about it when I was in school. But I wish…”

 

“I told him not to tell you. It was right after you and Even broke up that her episodes started again. I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it.” Lea interrupted, licking her lips.

 

“Lea…”

 

“Even asked me not to tell you too. He asked me not to tell you _a lot_ of things, actually.” Lea whispered, the words barely audible under her breath so Isak only caught the first part of what she’d uttered.

 

“Jesus,” Isak snapped, standing up suddenly and walking over to Lea’s window. “He’s great at making decisions for me. Why am I not surprised.”

 

“Don’t be angry at him, please.” Lea said, coming over and standing next to Isak. She raised her arms as if to reach for him, but then quickly put them back by her sides. Isak wanted to hug her, pull her into the biggest hug he could give, but he wouldn’t push it. He probably didn’t deserve that much affection from her right now anyways.

 

“He asked me to come to the funeral tomorrow.” Isak decided to say instead, trying to push the feeling of anger – disappointment – at Even away inside himself. He was already feeling too much about the man who wasn’t his to love; who had made it clear he didn’t love Isak anymore. He was going to go to the funeral for Astrid, not for Even. Jonas had said that too. _Even knows how much you loved Astrid. He said you’d want to be there to say your own goodbyes._

“I’ll be there too. For Einar.” Lea whispered, and suddenly her head was on Isak’s shoulder. She leaned into him properly and he hesitantly put his arm around her back, holding her as much as he could in this position.

 

“I’m glad Einar has you.” Isak said.

 

“I’m glad I have _him.”_

**

**Isak – 21**

**Even – 23**

_Isak clutched his phone to his ear, trying to listen to Even as he ran towards the tram – desperate to get back to their apartment as fast as possible. He dodged around people on the street, shouting at them to move out of the way._

_“Even, just hang on. Don’t do anything stupid. I’m coming home.” Isak said, jumping onto the tram in the nick of time and barely avoided running straight into an older couple._

_“Isak, this is so fucking awful. I can’t keep doing this to you. You don’t fucking deserve it!” Even screamed, and Isak heard something break in the background._

_“Even, take a deep breath. Please, baby.” Isak whispered, trying to keep his composure while he was on public transport where people were staring at him. He was close to tears, scared out of his mind, but he needed to stay calm for Even._

_“I wish I could be normal. I wish I had one fucking normal thing in my life.” Even said, and Isak hated the words. He hated when Even was so down on himself. It usually happened after an episode, and this time was no different._

_Even had had a particularly bad episode a week ago – worse than Isak had ever seen it. Even had taken Einar out for one of their brothers’ days but hadn’t brought his phone with him. Or Huxley. And hadn’t told Astrid where they were going or how late they’d be and it wasn’t until nearly two in the morning that Even had finally brought Einar home – the small boy scared and crying, running directly into Astrid’s arms and clinging to her._

_Even had gone all over Oslo. He had spent all the money Isak and him had been saving. He’d been reckless and beyond excitable, unable to articulate to Einar what was happening. Isak took Even into his arms, Even laughing and trying to tell Isak about their day – unaware that Einar was upset. That Einar hadn’t had dinner and had lost Even in the mall when Even tried to go and buy a new watch._

_Even came down from the high two days ago and had been comatose ever since. Isak had an exam he had to go to, thought he would be all right to leave the apartment for two hours, but he’d come out of the lecture hall to fifteen missed phone calls and dozens of text messages from Even saying how much he hated himself and wanted Isak to find someone else._

_Isak was two stops away now, his breath still coming too quickly, and he was terrified Even was going to hurt himself. He was alone in the apartment, feeling like shit because he had put Einar in danger, and nobody was there to stop him._

_“Even, I’m coming. I’m almost home. Please, please just…”_

_“Isak, you have to leave me. You have to find someone normal. You’re the best person in the world and you shouldn’t have to_ deal _with this.” Even cried, sobbing out the words._

_“Even, I love you. I only want you. Don’t make decisions for me. I’m not going anywhere, do you understand?” Isak snapped. He got off the tram and started running again, their apartment only two minutes away now. He put his phone into his pocket so he could run properly, knowing he could make it in under a minute this way._

_Isak struggled to unlock the door when he got in front of it, panting so hard he was practically choking. He got the door open and dashed inside, immediately seeing Even sitting at their small kitchen table. His head was buried in his hands and he was gasping as if he couldn’t breathe, muttering something under his breath._

_Isak knelt in front of his boyfriend, letting some of his own tears fall as he did and put his hands on Even’s upper arms._

_“Even? It’s okay. I’m here.” Isak whispered, sniffling._

_“I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.” Even kept saying, his eyes closed tightly – showing no signs he knew Isak was right in front of him._

_Their lasagna dish was smashed on the floor, some other things thrown about the kitchen but Isak didn’t care. He gripped onto Even’s skin tighter and shook Even, trying to bring him back. Trying to get him to see Isak._

_“Even, it’s okay. You’re okay.”_

_“Nothing is okay, Isak!” Even suddenly yelled, shaking himself so Isak would let go. “I could have hurt him! I could have done something so utterly insane that he ended up dead! What happens when I do that again? Or if I hurt you? I will throw myself off a bridge if you or Einar ever get hurt because of me.”_

_“We’re fine, Evy. Einar is fine. Nobody is going to get hurt.” Isak tried to reason, his voice as level as he could make it. But he wasn’t okay either. He wasn’t okay with Even talking like this, like he was trying to end their relationship._

_“I’m going to be like this forever, Isak. I’m always going to be fucked in the head.”_

_“Stop talking about it like that.” Isak said, reaching for Even again – trying to calm him. But Even just stood up and walked into their bedroom, throwing open the closet doors and grabbing some of his stuff._

_“I’m getting all my shit and leaving you in peace. You don’t need this. I’m just a fucking crazy, blind wrecking ball.” Even spat, shaking his head as he threw some clothes onto the floor. Isak stood in the doorway in complete shock, his limbs frozen._

_“W-what?”_

_“I’m freeing you of this, Isak!” Even screamed, turning and gesturing to himself. “You…you don’t realize how fucked up I am!”_

_“Yes I fucking do!” Isak screamed back, louder now; surprising himself. He walked into the room, finding his strength again, and grabbed hold of Even’s shirt. He pushed until Even’s back hit the side of closet. Even let out a startled sound, reaching up to try and unclench Isak’s fingers._

_“Isak, let me go…”_

_“No! You’re going to listen to me now, Even. You’ve said enough!” Isak shouted, rage and sadness boiling over; making him shake and cry. But he knew what he wanted to say._

_“I have_ always _known that you are blind. I’ve always realized that, and I have never once wished that you could properly see. I’ve never sat and thought how much easier it would be to date someone who could see me.” Isak began, loosening his hold and touching the scar across Even’s eyebrows. “And since you told me you’re bipolar, I have also seen your episodes. I’ve seen what it takes out of you, how much you hate the disease. But Even, for fuck sake, you are_ not _your disease. You have to deal with it, and yes it fucking sucks when you don’t have control over your mind, but that doesn’t mean you’re not an amazing brother; that Einar doesn’t worship the ground you walk on. And it sure as_ fuck _doesn’t mean that you aren’t the best person I know.” Isak said, his whole body shaking with the truth behind his words._

_“Issy, please.” Even cried, tears running down his beautiful face. Isak leaned in and put a gentle kiss on Even’s lips, tasting the saltiness of his tears._

_“I know you, Even. I know how much you can hurt, just like you know how much I can hurt. But, the thing is, you aren’t getting rid of me. I’m not leaving you. And that’s_ my _choice. I choose you. I always have, and I always fucking will.”_

_Isak put his hand over Even’s heart, feeling how fast it was pumping, and then lightly placed another kiss to Even’s mouth._

_“We’re okay, Even. You just have to believe me.”_

_**_

 

**The Funeral**

**Isak – 27**

**Even – 29**

Isak could tell Even was having a panic attack.

 

He’d only been in the house for five minutes, his mind barely able to comprehend that this was Astrid’s house; Even’s old house – and seeing Even again after five fucking years was making him full of a million different emotions – but he knew what Even looked like when he was having a panic attack.

And it wasn’t his place to do this. He wasn’t Even’s partner. They weren’t together. Fuck, they weren’t even _friends_ anymore. But something made Isak walk straight through the crowd of people; straight past everyone who could have gone up to Even to help him. Someone who knew what Even did for a living. Or what his favourite restaurant was. Someone who could say they’d spoken to Even in the last year. And he reached for Even like they’d never been apart, like it was just yesterday they lived together in their small apartment, laughing at a movie snuggled in bed – knowing the sounds of each other like the beating of their own hearts. 

 

“Even, it’s okay. _You’re_ okay.” Isak said, putting his hand over Even’s heart the way he always used to – trying to bring Even back into the here and now. Isak knew how Even’s mind could unravel, how he got ten paces ahead of himself and couldn’t come back right away. So, Isak did what he always used to and touched Even, made him see Isak.

 

“Isak.” Even whispered, and Isak could only describe Even’s voice as something between a sob and a sigh of relief. He didn’t know that Even had ever said his name like that before.

 

Isak should have expected it. He should have known Even would touch him back because it was what they did. Isak reached for Even and Even saw him with his hands. The reciprocated touch was automatic.

 

But when Even put his warm, soft hands on Isak’s face for the first time, Isak physically flinched. His body reacted as if he’d been burned, trying to retreat from the touch. But it wasn’t at all like being burned. It didn’t hurt. Even’s touch soothed a part of Isak that had been open and bleeding for a very long time. So long in fact, that tears sprung to Isak’s eyes as Even let him go; after he’d had his fill of Isak. He just barely stopped himself from saying _please come back._

 

“Y-yeah. It’s me.” Isak said, realizing how unsteady he felt; how people were watching them. It was like everyone in the entire room was holding their breath, waiting to see what would happen next.

 

“I…I’m okay now.” Even said after a moment, taking a step away from Isak and stopping all contact. He reached up and wiped his face, steadying himself on his cane.

 

“Hey, Issy. I’m glad you made it.” Jonas was saying, his arm around Isak’s shoulders in the next second – fully bringing Isak back into the noise of the room; aware of how people were murmuring and talking amongst themselves. Nobody was actually watching them as if at a film.

 

Even stood awkwardly next to Jonas, his face down as if staring at the floor. Isak kept glancing at Even, waiting for him to say something else. Waiting for this to feel okay, like it was all right he was here. But Even stayed quiet.

 

“There’s sandwiches over on the table if you want some.” Jonas said, and Isak could tell he was trying to make them both feel less awkward.

 

“Um, yeah thanks.” Isak coughed. “Maybe later.”

 

“Okay. I’m just going to check on Sara and Eva.”

 

Jonas walked away, towards his wife and daughter; leaving Isak and Even completely alone. Isak knew he should say something. He should make his apologies – say how sorry he was that Even lost his mother. Maybe he should say something about what a wonderful woman Astrid was and how he’d never forgotten her. But that wasn’t the truth. Isak had been doing everything in his power to forget Even and his wonderful family for five years.

 

“I just wanted to say…”

“Einar was looking forward to seeing you.”

 

They spoke at the same time. Isak clamped his mouth shut, hating how uncomfortable everything was. He hated that Even looked so uncomfortable too. He clenched his hands into fists and waited for Even to speak again. He waited for him to say how his brother was looking forward to seeing Isak, but not Even himself – who had invited Isak to begin with.

 

“I’m sorry if asking you to come was awkward of me.” Even said softly, clearing his throat.

 

Isak glanced at him, and took in the sight of Even properly for the first time since he’d arrived. Even looked like himself; like the boy Isak had dated for five years. He was tall, had messy blonde hair and wore loose fitting clothes. His suit was tighter than normal but his suit shirt was loose as a bag. Typical of Even to do that. Something was different though. The scar that had once stuck out quite prominently on his eyebrows looked softer; the colour of his skin. It was no longer red and painful looking. Even had been in the process of having several corrective surgeries when Isak first left for New York. The plastic surgeon had assured Even that he would make the scar less visible – that people who didn’t know Even wouldn’t be able to tell he’d had some kind of accident. It seems that promise the surgeon made had become a reality.

 

Even was mostly the same, but what struck Isak was that he looked older than his twenty-nine years. He looked tired beyond belief; like the sleepless nights of everyone in the room were sitting in the purple bags under Even’s bright blue eyes.

 

“No,” Isak said, shaking his head. “I wanted to come. Even, I’m so sorry.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I can’t believe that Astrid…that she…” Isak stumbled over his words, tears in his eyes again and he hated himself for it. He hadn’t spoken to the woman in so long. She wasn’t his family anymore. He didn’t have a right to cry like this.

 

“I _know.”_ Even said again, the words barely words at all.

 

“Isak?”

 

Isak turned around just in time to see Einar - now a lanky, acne-faced teenager – standing right behind him with a shy smile on his face. He looked just like he did in Lea’s picture. Isak grinned at him, wiping the tears off his face before he opened his arms in a clear invitation – feeling like it was all right for him to offer this. It’s how he’d always greeted Einar, with a huge hug.  

 

“Einar, holy shit. You’re so _tall.”_ Isak smiled, just as Einar smashed into him with surprising force.

 

“I think I’m taller than you.”

 

“Don’t say that. You’re still seven years old in my mind.” Isak joked.

 

Einar pulled back, still smiling, but then glanced around Isak to Even. Isak chanced a look and saw how Even was shifting from foot to foot, clearly not knowing what to say.

 

“Even, did you say hi to Isak?” Einar asked, his tone indecipherable.

 

“Don’t be stupid.” Even said, but there was no malice in his words. “Of course I did.”

 

Isak let his smile falter, the momentary happiness draining from his body. It was suddenly so awkward again. So fucking _sad._ Einar was practically a man now. He’d grown up so much, and just like Lea – who was now walking towards them gazing at Einar – Isak had missed it. He hadn’t been around to see Einar become the person he was today. Isak hadn’t been given the chance to because Even had ripped that from him.

 

Even had stopped loving Isak.

 

Isak wasn’t part of these people’s lives. He wasn’t close to them at all. Isak realized with a sudden sickening force that he’d come here today imagining it was going to be like it had before he left. That there was something holding him to Even’s family – like a string that had never snapped.

 

But that connection, that string, had snapped a long time ago. He was standing next to strangers and treating them like they were people he still loved. He dropped his arms from Einar and took a step back just as Lea reached them. She closed her hand around Einar’s and leaned into his side; the picture they made completely right in Isak’s mind. Lea _was_ Einar’s family. She had been for nine years.  

 

“I told him you were coming,” Even continued, motioning in the direction of his brother but he was speaking to Isak. “He was excited.”

 

“It’s been a long time.” Einar agreed, still looking so pleased that Isak was here.

 

_Why?_ Isak thought. _Why are you happy I’m here?_

“Yeah. I’m sorry about your mom.” Isak said, swallowing hard around his words. He suddenly needed air. He needed to _leave._

 

“Thanks.” Einar said, because what else was there to say?

 

Lea looked at Isak strangely. She didn’t seem to think Isak had said something wrong. He gazed at her, expecting her to say something but she just bit down on her bottom lip and looked away. Perhaps she was sensing what Isak was – that he didn’t have a right to be here. That maybe it was a fucking horrible idea that Even invited him at all.

 

“Even?”

 

The voice came from beside Isak and he turned to look. It was a woman Isak didn’t recognize, looking frantic and worried as she gazed at Even. She was older, probably Astrid’s age and wearing a stark purple jacket in the room full of black.

 

“What is it? Time for speeches?” Even asked warily, squaring his shoulders as if preparing himself.

 

“No. It’s not that.” The woman said, shaking her head. She tossed a look at Einar before going towards Even, reaching for the hand that wasn’t on his cane. She grasped it firmly, seeming to surprise him.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“He’s here. I tried to stop him but he pushed right past me and…”

 

“ _Who?”_ Even interrupted, shaking her off.

 

“Your father, Even.”


	5. Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I got horrendously sick and then my computer decided to delete the chapter that I wrote when my system updated. Fun times. But here it is now. Enjoy :)
> 
> POV Even

**Even – 7**

 

_His father was slamming doors again._

_Even flinched as Emmett kept going from room to room, looking for something and continuing not to find it. Even was in the living room – the bright, open area sunlit and cosy; somewhere Even loved to sit and colour - no doors for his father to slam. But the older man marched into the room like he was going to try anyways; try to break or hit whatever else he could, and Even put down his pencil crayons. He glanced up at his father, holding his breath._

_“If you’ve lost it, Even, I swear…” Emmett shook his head, hands on his hips as he stared down at Even._

_Even didn’t know what it was, but he suddenly wracked his brain for answers. Had he taken something of his father’s? Had he forgotten to put back the suit jacket he had tried on the other day? Or perhaps the matching tie? He’d been smiling so wide as he stared at himself in the full-length mirror, proud that he resembled his father. Maybe one day when Even grew up, he’d work alongside his father. Maybe they’d wear matching suits and walk together to work; smiling and exchanging stories._

_Emmett always smiled around the men he worked with._

_That’s what Even wanted. A smile. Kind words._

_He just needed to grow up._

_“Those cuff links were given to me by my boss, Evy.” Emmett said, kneeling down so he could look at Even straight on; so Even couldn’t look away. His father’s eyes were a dull blue. Like the sea during a rainstorm._

_“What are cuff links?” Even squeaked, feeling how his heart pounded in his chest; hating the way his father smelled. His breath was too sweet, his face too red. Even didn’t like it when his father looked like this._

_It never meant good things. There weren’t any smiles from this._

_“Ah, never mind.” Emmett scoffed, standing up and almost losing his balance. He sounded disappointed. He still sounded angry, and Even couldn’t help but feel that his father was angry at him. Even didn’t like when he didn’t know things, when he admitted he didn’t understand because his father always looked like he was upset by that – that Even didn’t know, couldn’t understand or do what he needed._

_Even looked back down at the picture he’d been making – his mother, father and him all smiling with their arms wrapped around each other in front of their house – and he wondered how long it would be before his mom was home. Why did grocery shopping take so long? Why hadn’t she taken Even with her this time?_

_Why was his picture suddenly wet?_

_Maybe he’d meant for it to be raining in the picture. Not sunny like today._

_“Do you want to see my picture?” Even asked, trying to be quiet enough that his father might not shout; might finally smile and pick Even up like he sometimes did whenever they were around other people – around family, or friends. Emmett was a tall man, and when Even got to sit on his shoulders he felt like he could see everything. He could touch the clouds._

_“Not now, Even. Hell, do you not understand anything?” The door slammed behind him as he went back into the bedroom._

_Even let a few more tears fall onto the crisp, white paper. One big drop fell onto the face he’d drawn for himself, the smile disappearing under the salty water. The picture dried with his parent’s faces perfectly fine amidst the wrinkled paper, but their son in the middle was washed out – barely there._

 

**

**The Funeral**

**Isak – 27**

**Even – 29**

“ _What_?” Even snapped, suddenly annoyed.

 

Jenny, a woman his mother worked with, was prone to blowing things out of proportion. Astrid always talked about her drama. Jenny liked to make herself into a victim, saying how everything that was bad in her life was due to someone being out to get her, and it often annoyed his mother. Even had invited her because Astrid’s workplace was small and everyone got an invite to the funeral, but right now he wished Jenny hadn’t shown up. Not if she was going to pull this kind of shit.

 

“You know my father isn’t in our lives, Jenny. Why would you say something like that?” Even asked, frowning.

He resisted the urge to push her away, not wanting to upset Einar and his brother hated any kind of physical altercation. The last thing in the world he wanted was for Einar to get overwhelmed today. Even was the responsible adult, the one in charge. Einar was even taking breaks every so often with Lea so that he wasn’t constantly talking to people about how sad everything was. Even had planned that ahead of time.

 

“I’m saying it because he walked right in here and said ‘I’m Emmett Bech Naesheim. I’ve come to pay my respects to my ex-wife.’ I answered the door, Even.” Jenny said, whisper-shouting. She once again put her hand on Even, squeezing as if to articulate her urgency through touch. “And right now he’s talking to your friends over there in the living room. I think we need to do something about this, don’t you?”

 

Even squeezed the top of his cane and balled his other hand into a tight fist. His mouth was suddenly dry and he felt like he was going to choke – rage boiling up, all the words he’d wanted to say to this man suddenly wanting – _needing –_ to come out. He sucked in a breath, trying desperately to calm down. He couldn’t hurt his father. He couldn’t hurt anyone.

 

Einar mattered more.

 

“Lea, can you take Einar to his room please?” Even asked through gritted teeth, reaching out and taking Jenny’s arm. She responded immediately, preparing to lead him.

 

“I’m not a child, Even.” Einar suddenly said, his voice lethal and low. “Lea, don’t pull me! I’m not a fucking _child!”_

 

Even could hear the commotion around him, and on instinct he went to reach for his brother. He wanted to touch him, calm him down. But he was only met with empty air and he nearly stumbled forward. Jenny pulled him back.

 

“Even, he’s gone. He went with her.” Jenny told him, rubbing a hand down his back that he knew was meant to calm him but it only irritated him more. He reached behind himself and pulled her hand away, bringing it back around in a clear but silent order to take him towards the man he’d never wanted to see again.

 

“Even, do you need me to…”

 

Even flinched, slightly moving away from the source of the words and pulling Jenny with him. He recoiled from Isak, the man he’d forgotten was standing right in front of him, witnessing this entire mess. Even suddenly felt monstrously self-conscious, hating that Isak was seeing how utterly _fucked_ Even’s life had become.

 

_Aren’t you glad you got away from this?_

“…do something?” Isak finished hesitantly, his voice smaller than when he’d begun his sentence.

 

_Fuck._

 

Isak had to stop doing this. He had to stop being amazing and sweet and _wonderful,_ especially after everything Even had done. It was years ago, half a decade, but that didn’t mean Even didn’t know how much he’d hurt Isak. He wasn’t unaware that he’d broken a part of Isak – broken himself in the process, and he was okay with suffering for it forever. He’d committed himself to that hurt, that loss. But Isak deserved everything. He deserved endless happiness.

 

“No, I got this.” Even said, more strength in his voice than he actually felt. “I think maybe you should…go home now, Isak.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Even hated himself, but that was also something he’d gotten used to. Just like he’d adjusted to living without sight, he’d adjusted to how horrible it was to be in his own skin – to hating everything he did, especially when it came to pushing Isak away.

 

And he had to _keep_ pushing him away, even though deep in his heart he already knew Isak had nothing left for him. He wasn’t Isak’s _anything,_ and that’s what he’d wanted right? He’d wanted Isak to choose something else – anything but him.

 

“Goodbye, Isak.”

 

Even began walking away, Jenny leading him towards a black hole – the life sucking powers Emmett held already scraping at Even’s skin; the frail barrier he’d managed to keep around himself.

 

He didn’t know if he’d survive this.

 

**

 

**Even – 24**

**Isak – 22**

 

_“Even, are you comfortable with how the relationship ended?” His therapist asked him the day after he’d spoken to Isak for the last time – when Even had called and booked an emergency appointment after being out of therapy for nearly two years._

_Even didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer._

_“You told me a long time, when we first started, that you chose Isak. You chose to love him.” Dr. Williams continued, and the mention of Isak’s name made new tears spring into Even’s eyes. He wiped them away quickly before they could fall. He didn’t deserve to cry._

_“Now I chose to end it. So what?”_

_Anger was always better than admitting that you’d done something wrong - that perhaps the reason you were hurting was your own damn fault; your own shitty decisions that you couldn’t take back._

_“Why did you take that choice away from him?” She asked, her voice neutral – like she couldn’t care less. Even wanted to smash something._

_He stared blankly in her direction, not knowing what she wanted him to say._

_“He doesn’t know the circumstances. He doesn’t know about your mother. You’re choosing for him, under the assumption that he wouldn’t choose you.”_

_“He_ will _choose me, and that’s what I can’t have happen. He can’t choose me. I’m a dead-end path to nowhere.”_

_“That decision is his only. That doesn’t belong to you.”_

_Even stood up, hating that he’d made the choice to come back to this stupid office and sit in the same leather chair that he’d first started sitting in when he was eighteen. She was the same too. The same silky voice and musky perfume that lingered in the still, cool air of the open room. He hated it because the last time he was here he’d been in an all right place. He’d been living with Isak. He’d been stable for a while, and he told her he might not be able to see her as regularly because school was stressing him out. He didn’t know then that ‘not as regularly’ meant ‘never again.’ It had meant ‘you won’t see me until I’ve given up the one thing that was keeping me on this earth.’_

_“Even?”_

_“I’m leaving. Sorry to waste your time.”_

_“You’re not wasting my time.”_

_“I am though! I’m wasting your time just like I wasted Isak’s. He gave me enough of his time and now he can give it to someone else. Someone who deserves it. Same with you and other patients.” Even said, his hand on the doorknob; jacket back on his shoulders._

_“It’s Christmas.” She said, her voice calm as always. She didn’t seem bothered that he was about to walk out. She didn’t seem excited that it was Christmas either – a day most people were spending with the people they loved._

_“I know.”_

_“It was a special time for you and Isak, right? You loved Christmases?”_

You’re my saving light. My ray of hope.

 

_“I can’t do this.”_

_“I’ll be here when you can.” She said, standing up and walking over to him. He wanted to flee, knowing that she was probably going to touch him. It’s what they’d done when they saw each other, when she would help him through remembering some parts of his past he’d buried; parts that needed re-examining so he could let them go. She’d touch his elbow or his arm. Something to ground him, bring him back to the present._

_Her touch never came._

_“You take care of yourself, Even.” She said, her voice right next to him. She’d come to see him out._

_He unintentionally slammed the door behind him._

_He’d developed the habit of slamming doors now, and it made him want to tear his skin off; get rid of his fingerprints – anything that connected him to that man. Pinch the blood that ran through his veins, purify it until he could no longer say “Yes that man is my father. I’m his son.” He wanted to butcher himself until no test in the world could prove he’d come from that man – that Emmett had anything to do with creating him. Because frankly, he fucking didn’t._

_**_

**The Funeral**

**Isak – 27**

**Even – 29**

 

“You want…custody of Einar?”

 

He asked the question he already knew the answer to because he was giving Emmett a chance to take it back. He was giving his pathetic-excuse-of-a-human being father a chance to leave and never come back.

 

It was one chance too many.

 

“The boy is under eighteen. My parents and your mother’s parents are dead. We were both only children. What other option is there?” Emmett said, speaking to Even like he always had – like he was waiting for Even to find some brains and just understand everything he said; take his words for ultimate truth.

 

_Don’t ask questions, boy. Just do it._

“There’s _me.”_

 

“Even is perfectly capable of taking care of Einar. I think it’s time you left now. Nobody wants you here.” Sonja was holding Even’s hand. She’d done that the second Jenny had gotten Even over to where his father was standing, reeking of cologne. And she was clutching Even so hard his fingers were tingling.

 

He never wanted her to let go.

 

“You’re feisty. She your girlfriend, Evy?” Emmett chuckled, acting as if he had any right to ask that question.

 

Even couldn’t find the words. All these years he’d dreamed of what he’d say if ever given the chance, and the words were _right there._ But he couldn’t say them. He couldn’t figure out where to start.

 

“I forgot. You like men. Right.” Emmett said, clicking his tongue in what Even imagined was disgust.

 

“How dare you! Get out right now or I’m calling the police, you sack of shit.” Sonja spat, clearly done with niceties. She was going in for the kill now.

 

“I’m not here to cause trouble.” Emmett said, probably realizing how quiet the room was – how his presence had drawn everyone’s attention.

 

“Too late for that, douchebag.” Sonja continued, still clinging to Even.

 

_Say something. Say something._

“My lawyer is going to call you sometime to have a meeting about Einar. So be prepared for that call, Evy.” Emmett continued, his voice turned into a whisper but there was no doubt everyone around them was able to hear. Nobody else was talking at all, the room so silent a pin could be heard dropping.

 

“Einar is staying with me.” Even choked, sounding like the little boy who always looked for his father’s approval in everything he did; living to hear one nice word from his father’s mouth.

 

_I made this for you, dad._

_I got the top mark in the class, dad._

_I’ll pretend to like girls if it means you’ll stay, dad._

_I’ll find a way to go back in time and never become blind for you, dad._

Even couldn’t breathe.

 

“Get out of this house right now.” Jonas snarled, also clutching onto Even.

 

Even knew the rest of his friends were behind him as well, probably forming a protective shield around him. He wished he didn’t need them to do that, but he did. Right now, when everything was crumbling apart, he needed someone to do this for him. He needed someone to make this evil son of a bitch disappear.

“I’m actually real sorry about Astrid. She was an amazing…”

 

Emmett didn’t get to finish his sentence. He was suddenly cut off in a howl of pain, and then Even heard him fall to the floor with a heavy thud. Sonja pulled him back a few steps as several people around them gasped.

 

“Don’t you say a goddamn _fucking_ word about that woman.”

 

Even couldn’t believe it. He was actually fucking speechless.

 

He hadn’t left. He hadn’t walked out, happy to be free of Even’s fucked up life.

 

He’d stayed and put himself right in the middle.

 

Isak.

 

“I think you broke my nose!” Emmett wailed.

 

“Good. I know lots of things about the human body. I’ll break some more if you don’t get your ass out of this house _right now."_

_**_

 

**June 21 st **

**Isak - 23**

**Even – 25**

_“Even. Please don’t tell me it’s true.” Astrid practically shouted, the door crashing against Even’s wall from the force of her entry. He flinched from his bed, where he had been sitting with Sonja while scrolling through Facebook. She had just been describing a photo of Isak – posted by one of his friends in med school._

_He apparently looked thinner. He looked paler. He looked like a ghost._

_“Mom, can you at least knock?” Even sighed, slightly embarrassed that his mother would barge in on him. It was weird enough living at home with her again, but being treated like he was still a teenager was going a bit too far._

_He started to sit up, coming towards her; the next question ‘what do you need’ on the tip of his tongue. But he didn’t get the chance to speak because next thing he knew, his mother’s hands were on his shoulders and she was pushing him back down._

_“Even, don’t you_ dare _tell me you aren’t going to New York to be with Isak.” Astrid began, still shouting way louder than was necessary. But Even was beginning to grasp how angry his mom was; how her hands were shaking and her voice was strained._

_Astrid was crying._

_“That boy – that wonderful boy – doesn’t deserve you abandoning him. He’s been waiting for you for months!” Astrid continued, her voice breaking. Even tried to sit up but she pushed him back down. “And when I messaged him today on his birthday, asking him how he’s doing, he told me to please not message him anymore. He said, ‘Astrid, this is too hard for me. I’m trying to move on. Thanks for the message but I deleted you off Facebook for a reason.”_

_Astrid had pulled out her phone and was reading from it. Even felt his throat close up, the lump sitting there threatening to explode; leave him a sobbing mess of tears._

_“I can’t believe I didn’t realize he’d deleted me! How stupid am I?”_

_“Astrid, Even hasn’t told you for a reason…” Sonja tried to intervene, knowing the story – the excuse – just as well as Even did. He hadn’t stopped explaining himself to his best friend; trying to justify it. Trying to make sense of giving up the best thing in his life._

_“Oh, I know the reason. It’s me, isn’t it? Mom has cancer and now you have to become a martyr and stay here for me. Like hell, Even!” Astrid yelled, pounding her fist down on Even’s chest._

_“Mom, I…” Even reached for her hand, trying to get her to calm down. But she wasn’t hearing it._

_“Even, you are not giving up your life for me. I won’t let you. I will not stand by and watch you ruin your life by staying here. I have friends who will take care of me. I don’t need you to stay and take me to appointments, or wait beside my hospital bed. I_ won’t _have you do that.” Astrid said, her voice calming as she spoke. By the end of her sentence her voice was practically a whisper._

_She didn’t have much energy these days because of the chemo. In fact, she should have been asleep and in bed – resting from today’s treatment. She’d been sick for hours when they’d first gotten home from the hospital._

_“Astrid, you need to sit down. You’re very pale.” Sonja said, sitting up from the bed and walking to Even’s mother. She took Astrid by the hand and helped her sit down. Even could hear her shaky breaths, the way she sighed as if she’d been standing for hours as she got onto the bed._

_“Mom, we need you to rest. You can’t get worked up like this.” He whispered, rubbing a hand down Astrid’s sweaty back – she was soaked through her pajamas._

_“Even, you…” Astrid cried, tears rolling down her pale, greenish cheeks. She put a hand on her eldest son’s face and looked at him – gazed into his sightless eyes. “You can’t let Isak go. You can’t…”_

_“It’s already done, Mom.” Even replied, trying to keep himself in check. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to let his own problems interfere with taking care of his number one priority._

_“You’re so_ stupid. _I’m not letting you do this.”_

_“I’m choosing to do this. You can’t make decisions for me.” Even tried to reason, wishing Sonja would back him up a little more but also wanting the subject dropped entirely. Now Astrid knew. He wasn’t going to New York, and Isak wasn’t coming back. That’s just the way it was._

_“You’re going to regret it, Evy.” Astrid shook her head dejectedly, and then looked to Sonja. “Help me to my room, please?”_


	6. Don't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV Isak

**Isak – 27**

**Even – 29**

Emmett left the house holding his bloody nose and shouting threats about pressing charges, all while most of the funeral party swore at him and practically shoved him out the door. Isak’s right hand was shaking when he sat down, studiously keeping his eyes on his feet.

 

What had he just done?

 

It was fucking stupid. And reckless. And of course there was a real chance of Emmett pressing charges, going straight to the police station and telling them what happened. Maybe that would further ruin Even’s chances of keeping custody of Einar. Maybe Emmett would come up with some bull shit story about Even having dangerous people around him – ones that were aggressive. Emmett was the type of asshole to pull something like that.

 

_Fuck._

 

That was the last thing Isak had wanted to do – fuck up anything for Even continuing to be Einar’s guardian. If Isak was being honest though, he never questioned that Einar would stay with Even. Isak knew Even was his brother’s only family. It made sense that he would stay with Even until he turned eighteen. But now Emmett was trying to screw that all up. How dare he?

 

Isak had never seen red so quickly in his life; had never wanted to murder someone with his own hands. He hadn’t been that angry _ever._ But as soon as Emmett had mentioned wanting to take Einar – a conversation Isak overheard right as he had headed for the door to leave the way Even had asked – Isak had stood frozen; staring directly at Even who couldn’t have looked more shattered.

 

The idea that Even would lose the last person in his family almost directly after he’d lost his mother was a thought Isak couldn’t bear. It was too hurtful. Even looked like he was about to faint at his father’s words and nobody was _doing_ anything about it. Nobody had kicked the man – the _stranger –_ out of a house he didn’t belong in; had no right to step foot. Sonja, fucking _bless her,_ looked like she was about to smack Emmett but it hadn’t been fast enough for Isak’s liking. He knew damn well she could have throttled him though.

 

The whole thing had felt personal, like Emmett was taking a chainsaw to Isak’s heart as much as he was to Even’s and Isak had only really begun to see that that made no sense whatsoever.

 

It would have made sense if he was still with Even, if they were involved and dating. Or even if they were still friends.

 

But they weren’t anything to each other anymore, right?

 

_Isak stop fucking fooling yourself._

“Do you need some ice?” Even sat down next to Isak, the warmth from his thigh seeping into Isak’s and he let out a long breath. “For your hand? I imagine it’s quite sore.”

 

“I’ll get it.” Sonja said, kneeling down in front of Isak so he was forced to look at her. “It’s fucking amazing to see you again, Isak. And thanks for that. I was about two seconds away from throwing a punch myself.”

 

Isak couldn’t help but laugh. “I figured as much.”

 

She kissed him on the top of his head as she marched towards the kitchen. The rest of Even’s friends sort of awkwardly stood around Isak and Even as they sat together on the love seat, nobody apparently knowing what to say.

 

“Let me see.” Even whispered, reaching for Isak’s hand and cradling it between his own. He traced Isak’s sore knuckles and tried to bend Isak’s fingers, causing him to clench his teeth and hiss in pain. “You hit him pretty good, huh?” Even smiled.

 

Isak looked at Even, his chest so tight he couldn’t really breathe, and gripped Even’s hand before he could stop himself; before he could convince himself it was a bad idea. And even though it hurt, he wanted to feel their palms together again, wanted the touch to mean something.

 

“I’m sorry if I just made things worse for you, Evy.” Isak said and then immediately coughed. _Shit._ “Um, _Even._ I’m sorry if I…if he…”

 

Isak blushed crimson and wanted to disappear. He hadn’t used that nickname in close to five years.

 

“You didn’t.” Even interrupted, squeezing Isak’s hand. “I just wish I could have seen it.”

 

“It was pretty fucking awesome.” Magnus nodded, reaching over to fist bump Isak with his good hand. Isak chuckled, loving that Magnus still was able to make horrendously awkward situations humorous. It was a gift.

 

“Here.” Sonja came stomping back into the living room with a bag of frozen peas. “Put this on your hand. It should help with the swelling.”

 

Isak let go of Even’s hand, hoping the other man didn’t notice how he’d clung on a second too long, and put the peas on his aching knuckles. “Thanks.”

 

“Having a sore hand won’t fuck up your job will it? I mean, operating on people and stuff?” Magnus asked, looking concerned now.

 

“Oh yeah. You’re a doctor! I almost forgot. How is all that going, Isak?” Sonja asked, sitting on the couch arm next to Even and running and soothing hand through Even’s messy hair.

 

Isak hated that he felt a pang of jealousy race through him. He wanted to be doing that right now. He wanted _his_ hands in Even’s hair, on Even’s beautiful face and –

 

_Holy fucking shit, you have a boyfriend Isak. Nathan - who is coming to Oslo to live with you, asshole._

“Yeah, it’s good. I start my residency at Oslo University Hospital next week.” Isak said, thinking that it was impossible to summarize what all he’d been doing in med school and what he’d learned in such a short amount of time. There was too much involved in it.

 

“That’s great.” Sonja smiled kindly, but then the conversation died again. It was back to being awkward again, back to Isak feeling like he didn’t belong.

 

Emmett hadn’t been the first stranger to walk into this house today.

 

“I’ll probably head out now.” Isak cleared his throat, his face still bright red from treating Even with such familiarity when he didn’t have a right too. He stood up slowly, not knowing what to do with the bag of peas.

 

“No, don’t go yet.” Sonja said, frowning and standing up too. “We should catch up, or…”

 

“It’s not really the time for that, right?” Isak interrupted, sounding harsher than he’d meant to. “I mean, this is about celebrating Astrid’s life. Not talking about mine.”

 

Sonja hesitated a moment, glancing down at Even who was looking up in Isak’s direction, a pained looked on his face. But then Sonja nodded and reached for the bag of peas.

 

“You’re right. Sorry. Another time?”

 

_Probably not._

 

“Sure.”

 

Isak threw a glance at Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas before he turned and headed for the door, intent on leaving the way he was supposed to twenty minutes ago.

 

“Isak?”

 

Isak stopped and closed his eyes. All he wanted to do was get the hell out of here. He wanted to forget he’d ever come in the first place. And Even had wanted him gone. He’d fucking asked him to _leave._

 

Why was Even making it impossible now?  

 

Isak turned around and nearly bumped right into Even who was directly behind him. Isak steadied himself on Even’s chest, his mind flashing back to the first day Isak had come to Even’s house when they were teenagers and they’d stood in the kitchen – Even misjudging how far away Isak had been and basically pinned him to the counter.

 

Isak’s heart pounded in his chest the same way it had that day, and his hands lingered longer than they should have – again like that day – but Isak pulled himself away and squared his shoulders.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’ll walk you out. Come on.” Even said, putting his hand around Isak’s bicep and steering him towards the door.

 

Isak followed, taken aback, but was grateful when they made it out to the front porch with the door closed behind them. Nobody else was looking at them and there was the beautiful silence of the late evening; crickets beginning to chirp and the light breeze brushing over Isak’s face.

 

“I was just…” 

 

“So, I wanted you to know…”

 

They started talking at the same time again. They both stopped at the same time _again._

 

Isak was getting a headache from how hard he was grinding his teeth. So far this evening he’d bitten down because of awkwardness, anger, longing.

 

Sadness.

 

His brain was tired and so was his bruising jaw.

 

He was tired of pretending that he wasn’t broken right now.

 

“God, this is fucking awful, isn’t it?” Isak asked, letting out a laugh that surprised him; not any real humour in the sound. He turned away from Even and looked out at Even’s street instead, pretending he was in a different situation – _any_ other situation than standing with the man who had broken his heart at said ex-boyfriend’s mother’s funeral.

 

_I get it universe. You hate me. Noted._

“What is?” Even timidly asked.

 

“That your mother is gone, for starters. She was so lovely. And kind.” Isak began, tears falling down his face before he knew it was going to happen. “She loved you so much. I know you know that already, but she did. I…I wish…I wish this wasn’t happening to you.”

 

“Isak…”

 

“And I wish your father didn’t fucking come back here for…for _this._ He strolls back in here after over a decade and somehow thinks he has any _claim_ to Einar? Like fucking hell he does!” Isak continued, unable to stop now; completely embarrassing himself but somehow he didn’t really care.

 

“Why do you care so much, Isak?” Even asked, and the question was enough to have Isak whirling back around and looking at Even in confusion.

 

“ _What?_ You’re asking why I care?”

 

“I am.” Even nodded, licking his lips.

 

“Because it’s…it’s _horrible._ You don’t deserve it. Einar doesn’t deserve it.” Isak cried, close to sobbing now. “And I hate that you’re asking why I care, because I guess I shouldn’t right? I guess I don’t have a _right_ to care anymore.”

 

Even was silent, but his face darkened. His expression changed as his face tilted towards the ground.

 

“Astrid and Einar were my family for a long time. That’s why you asked me to come, right? It’s why you asked Jonas to ask me?”

 

Isak felt like he had taken a sharp knife, cut himself open down the middle of his chest, and was pulling apart his ribs so Even could reach out and feel – _see –_ every inch of him; every secret and feeling that Isak had wanted to keep hidden.

 

_Here. See me._

_See what you’ve done to me._

“And because I wanted to see you. I’m a selfish asshole, remember?” Even said, shaking his head.

 

Isak wiped some of the tears off his face, choking back the rest that were threatening to spill from his eyes. “Why would you want to see me?”

 

“That’s a really, really complicated question.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be.” Isak frowned.

 

“But it is. I don’t have a simple answer, Issy.”

 

Isak flinched. “ _Don’t.”_

_Don’t be this cruel to me._

Even smiled a little. “You started it.”

 

“I didn’t mean to.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Fuck you, Even.” Isak suddenly spat, walking the three steps that separated them and hitting Even against his chest with both of his palms.  

 

Even looked frightened for a second, but as Isak hit him again, he just nodded. He looked like he was accepting something, taking whatever Isak was giving him as if he couldn’t care less; as if Isak was a child he was trying to placate.

 

“You want me to hit you? Is that why you walked me out here?” Isak spat, hitting Even again – harder this time.

 

“I deserve worse.”

 

“Fuck you!” Isak said again, pushing Even until his back was against the wall of his house.

 

_You deserve the world._

_I would have given you the world._

_But you didn’t want me._

“Isak, it’s okay.” Even said, hands by his sides – still accepting whatever Isak was giving him, not making any attempt to block Isak’s hands.

 

“Nothing about this is okay, Even. _Evy.”_ Isak sobbed, giving up trying to hurt Even with his hands and simply wrapping them around Even instead. His knuckles scraped against the brick wall but he didn’t care; didn’t feel it. All he felt was Even’s soft skin, the material of his suit as Isak’s face pressed into Even’s shoulder. He dropped his weight against Even and practically screamed; his whole body shaking.

 

“Issy. God, I’m sorry.” Even whispered, his hands moving now – cradling Isak’s head and keeping Isak pressed tightly against him. “Please don’t cry.”

 

“You killed me. _You killed me.”_ Isak was saying, not sure Even could understand him at all and not really knowing if he understood himself.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

**

**Isak – 26**

_“Isak, I can’t believe you.”_

_Nathan was sitting on their sofa, police sirens wailing in the dark, rainy New York streets outside their apartment, and Isak had the mother of all headaches. He’d been awake for thirty-six hours straight. He had a million exams coming up – papers to write, labs to finish._

_He didn’t have any energy for Nathan right now._

_“Can we talk about this in the morning?” He sighed, already walking towards the bedroom._

_“No, we can’t. We have to make a decision right now.” Nathan said angrily, following Isak and standing in front of the dresser where Isak kept his pajamas – effectively preventing Isak from finding his favourite pajama bottoms and succumbing to blissful unconsciousness. He rolled his eyes at how dramatic Nathan was being. Did he not realize how exhausted Isak was?_

_“Sometimes, I really wish I lived alone.” Isak muttered in Norwegian, knowing Nathan wouldn’t know what he was saying._

_“Don’t.” Nathan shook his head. “Don’t fucking do that! You know I can’t understand you.”_

_“That was the point.”_

_“Why are you such a prick sometimes?”_

_“Why are you so annoying?” Isak yelled back, beyond frustrated now. “There are more important things than your mother’s family dinner. I don’t give a fuck if we go or not, so why are you treating the choice of what we bring to this dinner like its life or death?”_

_Nathan’s face paled and he looked away, tears falling down his cheeks the next minute. Isak really wanted to stay annoyed because he knew he had a point. He knew this dinner was fucking stupid and Nathan was blowing this out of proportion. But he also hated to make Nathan cry._

_“Fuck. Nathan. I’m really overtired right now. I didn’t mean to yell.”_

_“This is the first dinner my mother has invited me to in_ three _years, Isak.” Nathan cried, shaking his head and flinching away from Isak when he tried to wrap his arms around his boyfriend. “Three years. She’s finally accepted that I will never be straight, and I’ve finally gotten her to come around. I’m finally her son again. This is beyond important to me and you don’t care.”_

_Isak wanted to argue against this too. He wanted to explain that Nathan’s family was a bunch of stuck up assholes who had thrown Nathan out of their family when he’d come out to them and hadn’t so much as sent a birthday card since that evening. But now, since Nathan’s father was apparently dying of liver disease, his conscious had kicked in and he’d contacted Nathan with a bullshit excuse of wanting a relationship again – wanting to spend time with Nathan before he died._

_Isak wanted to explain that Nathan’s family were a bunch of manipulative assholes who were teasing Nathan with the idea that they were able to accept him being gay due to a family member dying, but in reality they were still just bigoted assholes and Isak had no desire to spend time with them._

_But Isak held his tongue._

_“Why don’t we bring salad and some fruit bowls? Or veggie bowls with dip? I’ll pick it all up after work tomorrow before we go.” Isak offered, forcing himself to swallow his words._

_He never won their arguments anyway._

_Nathan sniffled, thinking about Isak’s idea. “Yeah. That could work. And we could bring a cheese platter too. My dad likes cheese platters.”_

But he won’t like me because I’m not a girl and you suck my dick a lot.

 

“ _Okay. It’ll be fine, Nathan. I promise.”_

_Nathan let himself be hugged this time, dropping kisses along Isak’s jaw. “Why don’t you call me Nate? Everyone always calls me that.”_

_Isak stiffened but tried to remain casual._

_“I don’t believe in nicknames.”_


	7. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even POV

**The Funeral**

**Isak – 27**

**Even – 29**

 

Even held Isak against him so tightly he was worried he would leave bruises. He was worried he would cling even harder to the boy in front of him.

Even remembered that Isak did this when he was upset. He’d lash out first, struggle and hit something close to him. When Marianne had forgotten him one weekend – didn’t remember she had children at all- Isak had broken a few dishes in their kitchen, shouting and sobbing.

But eventually he’d ended up in Even’s arms.

“Fuck.” Isak whispered, tearing himself away suddenly and forcefully.

Even’s hands reached for Isak on instinct – wanting him to come back – but all he felt was empty air. Isak had put a few feet between them, their closeness gone before Even could fully enjoy it.

“Isak...I...”

“I have to go. See you around, Even.”

Even was about to let him walk off, knew he deserved to be left here in silence, but then he couldn’t help but chuckle. He heard Isak’s footsteps stop abruptly.

“What the hell is so funny?”

“I’m sure _you’ll_ see _me,_ Isak. But if you want me to see you…”

Even said the words he’d said to Isak the first time they’d met – when Isak accidentally banged into him and then proceeded to ask if Even would see him around. Even had known then that he liked Isak. His voice. The way he stuttered around his words, awkward and blushy.

“Why are you doing this?” Isak asked, once again close to Even.

Even swallowed and took another chance. He put his hand back out and felt it collide with Isak’s jacket. The material was soft, similar to his own suit, and he wrapped his fingers around it.

“Why are you making me re-live everything that kills me?”

“I need something else. Some other kind of pain.” Even admitted, hating his honesty. He needed to hurt in a different way other than feeling the loss of his mother but now he was hurting Isak, and that had never been what he wanted.

“I don’t think this hurts you as much as it hurts me.” Isak whispered, wrapping his own fingers around Even’s and pulling his fingers until they loosened. But Even didn’t give up.

“It does, Issy. Trust me.” Even gripped harder, this time with both hands.

“You broke up with me. You fell out of love with me.” Isak said, still trying to pull Even’s hand away.

“No.”

“You...”

“My mom was sick. I had to stay. You needed to be brilliant. A doctor. And that’s what you are. I bet you’re so fucking smart, Isak. You always have been.”

Even’s mind was racing. He was trying to keep it together, keep himself genuine. But his mind wouldn’t stay still. He was choking back hysterical laughter, the urge to kiss Isak senseless – fuck him right up against the wall. His mouth watered.

“Even, what the fuck?” Isak cried, wrenching himself away. Even heard his jacket tear.

“I wasn’t going to tell you, but there it is. The truth. I need you to know.” Even said, his body vibrating with need. He wanted closeness. He wanted someone to tug on his hair, kiss him breathless.

Pound his flesh into oblivion, until he no longer existed. He wanted to disappear into the brisk afternoon air, float high above everything in millions of invisible particles.

He wanted Isak to come with him, to forgive him.

To be his again.

Isak wasn’t speaking. Even couldn’t tell what he was doing or thinking. If he was crying. If he was even still in front of Even.

But he figured he might as well speak since he’d already started.

“My mom said I was so stupid. That I was being a martyr. I guess I was. But I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell you she was sick because then you would have come home. You would have left everything for me, and I couldn’t have you do that. You needed to get away from everything. You needed to have a life, not be with me with my mom in a hospital. Not watch her die...”

“You son of a bitch!”

Even knocked his head back against the brick and let out the laughter he’d been holding in, felt himself floating with giddiness. Tears fell down his cheeks as he sobbed, laughed – hit his head again and again.

“I’ve never loved anyone else, Isak! Just you! I fuck a lot of people, but it never compares. It’s never you under me, inside me, around me. It’s never our apartment or the way you’d make spaghetti or your cologne next to mine on the dresser.”

Even held his hands over his ears and let himself say it. He didn’t want to know what Isak thought. He just needed to get it out.

“I hate what I did. I hate that I hurt you. I hate myself so much, Isak. I couldn’t save Mom, and I can’t help Einar and I can’t love anyone but you and you’re not mine anymore. You’re someone else’s to love and I hope he loves you so damn much, Isak. I hope he loves you so much.”

It occurred to Even as he suddenly lost consciousness that he hadn’t eaten for at least two days and he wasn’t quite sure when he’d had a glass of water. There had been funeral arrangements, people to pay, everything put properly in order. There was Einar to look after.

Even had forgotten about himself, about his meds – probably longer than two days – and he faded into the sensation of falling to the ground, not feeling the way his knees buckled under him.

He thought he heard someone call his name, but he wasn’t entirely sure.

**

**Even – 28**

“ _Even, hold on! Don’t you dare leave me!”_

_Even was being pulled out of his bathtub by the strong hands of the paramedics and gasping for air. He had an oxygen mask over his face, tears in his eyes and regret filling his chest._

_He hadn’t meant to put his head underwater for that long. Too long. He had just needed his mind to stop._

_He needed to be able to think without a cloud of ash clouding everything, mucking up his art and his life and his ability to be there for Einar. To help him with his homework. To pay the bills now that his mother was in the hospital full time._

_He needed to sleep for more than three hours in a row._

_He needed to be able to live in his own house without Sonja spending the night practically every night, stopping him from doing dumb and dangerous shit. He wanted to give her this one night off, an evening out with her boyfriend._

_He hadn’t wanted her to come back to this. Einar asleep in his bed, Lea nestled in with him, and Even in the bath – unaware that he had almost drowned himself. Held his breath too long and passed out._

“ _Is he okay?” Even heard Einar ask as he was carried out the door and into the ambulance._

“ _He’s fine, sweetheart. Stay here with Huxley, okay?” Sonja said, trying to sound sincere but her voice was wrecked from crying._

I’m sorry, _Even thought._

I’m sorry for being so weak.

**

**Even – 29**

**2 days later**

“You’re...kidding me. You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

Even shook his head, digging his nails into the side of his other hand. “No, I’m not. I know I’m manic but this is the truth. You can ask the lawyer.”

Even was sitting in his hospital bed, the sheets clean and scratching against his bare legs. The hospital gown wasn’t tied properly and he could feel the side of it exposing his chest more than a normal shirt would but he found he didn’t care. He felt like he looked as fucked up as he felt inside. His appearance matched how messy he’d become.

“Fucking hell. How did you not read her will? How is that even possible?” Isak practically wailed, the chair making a squeaking sound. Even guessed Isak had stood up, or pushed himself back in the chair next to the bed.

“I thought...I don’t know. I guess I didn’t need to. I’m her oldest son. It made sense everything would go to me and Einar. That her money would be left to me so I could take care of Einar until he’s eighteen. I didn’t think details would be necessary.”

“I can’t fucking believe this.”

There weren’t words to express how weird this situation was. Even had never imagined Isak would be so involved in his life again. He never thought that coming back to Oslo would mean dragging Isak back into all his shit.

But for once, this wasn’t Even who was asking something of Isak.

It was Astrid.

“She really wanted _me_ to look after Einar? _Me?_ Her son’s ex-boyfriend who lived on the other side of the world for all she knew. I’m the person she chose to look after him.” Isak said, repeating Even’s earlier explanation.

“In the event that I can’t take care of him. Yeah.”

Even had only bothered to check his mother’s will when he’d woken up in the hospital once again to doctors and nurses asking him too many questions, their eyes worried and frightened – saying something about a breakdown. He’d only thought about it for an hour before he decided it was time.

He had to fix himself.

_Properly._

He couldn’t be a good brother, or guardian, to Einar. He couldn’t work like this. He’d been manic for weeks now, maybe longer. The good, stable times a forgotten concept. He was doing unhealthy things – reckless things. He wasn’t being safe.

He didn’t want his father to take Einar, though. He didn’t want to be in a hospital, whether that meant an in-patient or out-patient program, and know his father was in charge of Einar. So he asked his lawyer to check Astrid’s will properly and see if it clearly states that Even is Einar’s guardian. Once that had been confirmed, Even would elect someone else to watch out for Einar.

Sonja, or Sana.

Any of his friends.

It turned out that his Mom _had_ made Even his brother’s guardian, but there had been something else she had written as well.

_If for some reason, medical or otherwise, Even cannot be Einar’s guardian, I would like to put my son under the guardianship of Isak Valtersen._

“You don’t have to, Isak.” Even said, and he meant it. This wasn’t Isak’s burden to bear.

“Fuck. _Fuck.”_ Isak said, his voice flat.

“I’m serious. This isn’t on you. I can ask someone else. I just...I wanted to be honest with you about what my mother wanted.”

“Now you want to be honest with me? _Now?!_ ”

A nurse came into the room a second later, her feet pattering against the freshly scrubbed floors.

“I’ll have to ask you to keep it down in here.” She stated firmly, clicking her tongue. “Or maybe it’s best that you leave.”

“Sorry.” Even said sheepishly.

“It won’t happen again.” Isak clarified, sounding guilty.

She walked out of the room, closing the door behind her this time. Isak let out a huge sigh and Even imagined that he was rubbing his temples. Isak did that when he was stressed out.

“I have my residency starting soon. _In this hospital,_ I might add. And Nathan is going to be living with me, so if Einar is with me he’s also going to be around Nathan.” Isak suddenly said, the words a landslide.

Even shook his head.

“Tell me no, Isak. You don’t owe me anything.”

“This isn’t about you.” Isak said darkly, his voice angry now. “I’m not doing this for _you.”_

Even knew who Isak was doing it for, but it still felt wrong. It felt like Isak’s life was about to become ten times more complicated than he needed it to be.

“I’m going to be busy a lot. I might not be able to pick him up from friend’s houses, or always do his homework with him. I’m not...I’m not exactly ready to be anyone’s guardian.” Isak said, sounding sad about this. He didn’t sound annoyed.

Just utterly, completely sad.

Even swallowed down his protests and simply replied, “He knows how to take the tram.”

“Fine. Settled then. He can stay with me at my new apartment until you’re...” Isak hesitated. “Until you’re...better. Don’t worry about how long it takes. I’ll make sure he’s all right.”

“Thank you, Isak. I...”

“Einar deserves for you to take care of yourself. He deserves a brother who takes his meds, has proper meals and who doesn’t try and save the world.” Isak interrupted, and Even heard him standing up.

_Please don’t go,_ he thought foolishly.

Selfishly.

“Being well is all he needs from you, Even. Just please, for Einar’s sake, _please_ put everything you have into this.” Isak said, and a second later Even felt Isak’s light touch on his leg.

Even licked his dry lips, taking a mental note to ask for more ice water.

“I will, Isak.”

In the next second, the touch was gone, and Isak marched out the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot happened in this chapter. Sorry if it felt rushed. I'm trying to set up the next part of this story. Lots of angst, I'll warn you. This story is angsty-er than I first planned, but I'm excited for the next few chapters. And there will be fluff/sweetness coming as well.  
> Look forward to lots of healing for Even (the poor guy), bonding moments between Isak & Einar, and hospital awkwardness because Even is there and Isak now works there too. Plus, we will be seeing the return of Marianne and the proper introduction to the character of Nathan. 
> 
> Hope you're still excited to come on this ride with me :)


	8. Infinite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isak POV

  **Isak – 27**

**2 weeks after the funeral**

“He doesn’t exactly clean up after himself, Isak.” Nathan whispered, not wanting to wake up the teenage boy in the other room.

Isak had just finished his first shift as a resident, in which several superiors had yelled at him for one reason or another – who the fuck knew Grey’s Anatomy was rather accurate in that department – and he rubbed his temple; trying his hardest to stay calm.

Nathan had arrived only a week ago and he wasn’t settling in very well. For starters, he’d been shocked that everyone spoke Norwegian in fucking Norway. Who the hell would have guessed?

“Buying groceries in kind of difficult. I can’t ask for help. And riding the tram is just horrendous. I almost got lost about ten times!” He’d complained yesterday, rolling his eyes as he’d brought home several random packages of food that didn’t exactly go together for a meal.

And of course he hadn’t seemed too pleased about there being an unexpected third roommate in the already kind of small apartment Isak had managed to find.

“He’s your friend’s brother? A friend you haven’t talked to in five years?” Nathan had raised his eyebrows skeptically when Isak broke the news to him.

Isak was choosing to leave out the part about Even being an ex-boyfriend.

“Yeah. But I was close with their Mom. Astrid was like my mother for a long time.” Isak said, not able to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. He knew he sounded insane.

Practically everyone he had spoken to in the last week had told him he didn’t have to do this. He wasn’t obligated. He couldn’t possibly take this on. He had a residency to focus on. He had Nathan coming to live with him.

There were the same questions thrown at him too.

What did Nathan know about it? Was Isak going to explain who Even was? How was it going to work out? Did Einar agree to it?

“I can let him stay here.” Terje had offered almost immediately. “He’s Lea’s best friend and I love that kid. I don’t mind, Isak.”

Isak had considered it. He’d been close to accepting his father’s offer, thinking it would be best for Einar. He would have Lea to keep him sane, to comfort him during this extremely hard time. He’d just lost his Mom and now Even wasn’t around either. Isak didn’t know how much Einar would understand about Even’s illness.

“Are you kidding me?” Einar had snapped, standing in his room packing his things. Isak was in the doorway, hovering like a father who didn’t know how to talk to their teenage child.

Which was kind of the situation, if one were to tweak a few details.

“What?” Isak asked hesitantly.

“I’ve seen Even when he’s manic multiple times. As soon as I was older my mom explained it to me. I’ve helped him through it and I’ve seen how much it hurts him when he crashes. He feels like he’s an awful person or whatever, even though that’s not true at all.” Einar said, shoving unfolded clothes into a small black suitcase.

“Oh.” Isak said, unable to think of anything else.

“I get that he needs help. He doesn’t really let people take care of him. I’ve been trying for years.”

“That’s not your job.” Isak shook his head. “It shouldn’t be your job.”

Einar sighed loudly and ran a hand down his face. Isak smiled weakly, recognizing that face. It was the same expression of frustration from when Einar was a small child, his face covered by a tall hat as he ran around the living room; Astrid chasing him.

It reminded Isak that Einar was still boyish. He was still so young. As he stood there he suddenly realized that he needed to be the person to look after Einar. Maybe Terje should have been the one. Maybe it should have been Jonas, or Sonja. Someone who wasn’t a stranger.

But Astrid had chosen Isak. She’d written his name down as someone who she trusted to watch him – keep him safe. The person who would step in if it couldn’t be Even.

And even though it made absolutely no sense to Isak, he trusted Astrid.

He’d always trusted her.

“I want you to stay with me.” Isak said, more confidence in his voice now. He walked over to Einar’s suitcase and pulled out some of the dirty clothes. He chuckled. “I’ll make sure to teach you how to wash your dirty underwear. Jesus _Christ.”_

Einar flashed him a smirk, looking amused. But then he looked serious again. “Are you sure, Isak? I don’t want to ruin your life.”

“You won’t ruin it. You’d never ruin anything. I promise.” Isak had reassured him, reaching out and squeezing Einar’s shoulder.

He wanted to hug the poor kid. He really did, but he didn’t know where the lines were. Just because he was now Einar’s guardian didn’t mean Einar would want to be hugged.

But a second later, Einar eased Isak’s fears by diving into his chest and clinging to him like an octopus.

“I missed you, Issy.” Einar whispered, hugging him tighter before letting go. “I promise to make this easy for you. I’ll clean and do dishes. I’m not terrible at cooking. Even’s been teaching me.”

Isak shook his head, hating how desperate Einar sounded; how much he believed Isak would only want him if he wasn’t a bother. As if Einar making a mess sometimes would make Isak throw him out, right into the jaws of Emmett.

“I don’t want you to worry about all that shit, Einar. I just want you to focus on school and having a life, okay? I can cook and clean.” Isak said hurriedly.

“But I...”

“You can help me sometimes, but I won’t be expecting it. I don’t want you to think you _have_ to do anything in order to stay. You live with me no matter what. Until Even is better. Okay?” Isak interrupted, his eyebrows raised; wanting to know Einar did actually understand.

Einar smiled brightly.

“Okay.”

So, Nathan complaining that Einar had left some clothes on the floor in their living room didn’t concern Isak. He couldn’t have cared less, to be honest. Einar had done his homework, watched some TV and played a video game before heading to bed. He’d taken his dishes from dinner into the kitchen, and brushed his goddamn teeth. Isak was good with that.

“Nathan, he’s fine. Just don’t fuss over him, okay?” Isak said, not able to hide the anger in his voice.

“I’m not trying to. I just...I haven’t lived with a teenager in a while I guess.” Nathan sighed, sitting back on their couch and looking up at the ceiling. Isak did the same, reaching for his boyfriend’s hands and locking their fingers together.

“It’ll be fine. Einar isn’t a typical teenager. He’s a good kid.”

“I know. And he’s been through so much. I hope you know I don’t mind that he’s here. I really don’t, Is.” Nathan said with sincerity, squeezing Isak’s fingers. Isak turned to look at him, returning his smile.

“Thanks. I know this is a lot to take on.”

“It is, but we’ll do it together, right? I think we can make it through anything.” Nathan smiled again, moving close and placing a kiss on Isak’s mouth. It was meant to be chaste and quick, but Isak pulled Nathan back and deepened it; pushed his tongue into his mouth.

Isak had been all over Nathan since he'd arrived in Oslo. Isak had become the clingy one, getting Nathan under him the second they were back from the airport.

“Isak, I'm so jetlagged right now. I won't be good for you.” Nathan had whispered, trying to be quiet in case Terje heard them. They were staying one more night at his father's house before moving into the apartment.

Isak was dying to fuck his boyfriend though. He _needed_ it.

It had been nothing but agony since the funeral, since Even had screamed all those horrible things at Isak; reopened old wounds that Isak thought had healed years ago. He needed something else to focus on. Some kind of skin to skin contact that wasn't pushing his face into Even's neck, or pulling him off of the ground while shouting for someone to come and help him.

He needed to hold someone else's hand – not cling to Even's as they put him inside an ambulance. He had been so goddamn worried Even was dying, despite the fact that he could have killed the man with his own two hands.

He would have punched Even in the face had he not passed out.

But he was over Even. Of course he was.

_You would have left everything for me, and I couldn’t have you do that._

Isak sucked a hickey into Nathan's neck, clenching his eyes tightly and willing Even's words to disappear from his mind. Nathan whimpered beneath him – his neck always a sensitive spot. And Isak tried to remember that it was Nathan's neck he was currently feeling, not Even's. This was a man who Isak had come to love, who accepted Isak for all his fucked up baggage and who had never once hurt Isak the way Even had.

Nathan wasn't capable of such cruelty.

Nathan would have made Isak come back Norway to be with him if it had been his mother who had gotten sick. Nathan would have understood that Isak deserved to make up his own goddamn mind. Nathan would have let Isak make his own decision, and he never would have broken up with Isak under the assumption that he'd fallen out of love.

Nathan wouldn't have done _any_ of that. And it made Isak cling to him harder – made him desperate for Nathan in a way he hadn't been before.

It made Isak crave whatever Nathan wanted to give him.

“Please, baby. I missed you so much.” Isak moaned into Nathan's ear that night, eventually convincing him. And Isak had a feeling this night wouldn't be different, even if it meant being quiet for the sake of Einar not hearing them.

“What's gotten into you lately?” Nathan asked, allowing Isak to pull him into his lap; grinding their crotches together.

Isak moved in for another kiss, but Nathan pulled away. Isak made a whiny sound in the back of his throat.

“I just want you. What's wrong with that, Nate?”

Nathan basically flinched in Isak's arms, frowning now. Isak panted, wanting to bring their bodies closer but Nathan suddenly stood up. He shook his head as he backed away.

“You never call me Nate.” He whispered, looking angry about Isak's choice of name. It made Isak frustrated, the fatigue that was weighing him down before coming back full force.

“So what? Maybe I decided I like it now.” He snapped.

Nathan looked down at the floor for a second before motioning to the hallway. “I'm actually going to go to bed now, Isak. Goodnight.”

Isak was left in the silence of the living room, his thoughts like animals in the night waiting patiently to lunge from the gloomy depths and kill their prey.

Straight for the throat.

_I’ve never loved anyone else, Isak! Just you!_

**

**Wednesday, 18:48**

Isak came home the next day to Einar and Lea playing a board game on the living room carpet and Nathan on the phone back home to his mother. Apparently his father was getting worse and Nathan was trying to hold back tears and they discussed a recent hospital trip.

Isak chose to give Nathan some space and instead went to sit down with Lea and Einar. His sister smiled at him, her face lighting up and Isak returned the grin.

“How was school?” He asked, putting a bowl of chips next to them as a snack. Einar immediately grabbed a handful and shoved them into his mouth.

“Boring.” They both said, smirking at each other.

“Of course. I have a feeling that will always be your answer.” Isak chuckled.

“Usually.” Lea nodded, moving her piece on the board which apparently made Einar lose a bunch of points. Isak had no idea which game they were playing.

“Isak?” Einar asked a moment later, sounding hesitant as he sat up a bit straighter.

“Yeah?”

“Have you seen Even at the hospital at all? I haven't heard from him in the past few days.” Einar said, sounding horrifically grim.

Isak caught Lea's eye but tried not to give anything away. He tried to make his face as neutral as possible.

Even had contacted Einar the day after Isak became his guardian and told him that he would be staying in the hospital for some treatment. He was malnourished and had quite a nasty infection. Since the doctors had to monitor him for that, they recommended he stay in hospital so they could work out a medication schedule and get him back on track. Plus he would be receiving some therapy and regular check ups.

Isak didn't talk to Even, but Einar said that his brother sounded optimistic. He also told Einar that he would call and update at least twice a week.

“He said twice a week, Einar. Maybe he hasn't had time to call for the second time this week yet. But it's only Wednesday. I'd give him some more time.” Isak said, thinking that he sounded pretty calm.

Einar nodded, seemingly convinced. “Okay. Have you seen him though?”

Lea stood up suddenly, letting out a huge sigh. “Do you have food, Isak? I'm starving.” Her voice was louder than it needed to be, and Isak realized she was trying to divert Einar's attention away from Even and onto her.

It worked like a charm.

“Yeah. We went shopping yesterday. Can I make that frozen pizza, Issy?” Einar asked, his eyes wide as he glanced at Isak.

Isak clicked his tongue. “Einar, you can have whatever food you want. We've been over this.”

“Eat the whole fridge.” Lea nodded, linking arms with Einar and steering him into the kitchen. “I like this idea. Do you have chocolate too?”

Isak heard the two teenagers shuffling around in the kitchen, and also the muffled sobbing of his boyfriend coming from behind the bathroom door.

Isak bit down on his bottom lip until his tasted blood.

**

**Wednesday, 08:24**

“You're not supposed to be here.” The nurse snapped at Isak, peering at his ID from behind her desk and then scoffing. “This is psychiatric care. I know the hospital is big but I think you could have figured that one out.”

The woman pointed behind Isak, motioning for him to go back the way he came. “Walk down the hall and turn left. I'm sure you can find the elevator.”

Isak shook his head. “I know I don't work at this part of the hospital but I wanted to come and check in on a friend. I had a spare fifteen minutes.”

Calling Even his friend was entirely too difficult to say in a normal voice, so Isak didn't beat himself up for the way his voice broke halfway through his sentence.

“Oh.” She blanched, wiping a stray gray hair from her forehead. “What's the name?”

“Even Bech Naesheim.” Isak squeaked, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. He hadn't said that full name out loud for a long while.

She checked her computer quickly, eyes squinting as she read.

“He's in room 14, down the hall to the right. But you probably won't be able to visit.” She explained, standing up and carrying a folder under her arm. Isak followed her down the nurse's station.

“Is it because I'm not immediate family?”

She stopped to place the folder on a shelf, checking it was in the right spot before answering. “No, it's because he's kind of catatonic right this minute. The meds have knocked him right out.”

Isak licked his dry lips, thinking he should have skipped that extra cup of coffee this morning and drank some water instead. He'd grab a bottle of it at lunch time.

“Can I go anyway and try?”

“Be my guest. But don't upset him, please, if he is awake. We've just managed to settle him down.”

“Settle him down?”

“He's been ranting and raving since he got here about some boy and all these mistakes he apparently made. I know it's part of his condition, but we're trying to keep him calm now that some of the meds have managed to let him sleep.”

Isak nodded, his forehead breaking out into a sweat. The hospital hallway was too stuffy.

“Okay. I'll just see if he's all right.” Isak whispered, unsure if she'd actually heard him or not.

As Isak approached the room, he found he was drenched in cold sweat. His shirt was sticking to his back and he wished for some sort of breeze. But all the window were sealed tight.

When Isak saw Even, he was curled into a tight ball in his bed. The light blue blanket was wrapped around him, as if he were trying to warm himself, and his eyes were open; turned towards the window that was still covered in closed blinds.

His skin looked yellow in the faint morning light. The bed next to his was empty.

“I just woke up, so don't say I didn't sleep. I slept just fine.” Even suddenly said, his voice making Isak flinch. He hadn't expected Even to know he was there, considering he hadn't made a sound. And considering the nurse had told Isak that he would be drowsy as fuck.

“I was dreaming about something, but I don't think I could describe it to you. How can you explain to someone who has sight how a blind person is able to see with their hands?” Even continued, sitting up slowly and resting against the wall behind his bed.

Isak held his breath as he stood rooted to the spot, just inside the doorway. One foot in the hallway, one foot in Even's room. He couldn't decide where he wanted to move. Out or in.

“I was dreaming of this boy. And god knows you've heard enough about him, but can I tell you more? Please let me tell you. I want to try and tell you how I used to see him.”

Isak made a noise of approval, making the sound high-pitched enough that it wouldn't sound like it was a man's voice. Even broke out into a huge grin.

“I would put my hands on his face. I wanted to know his expression, his mood. I would feel if his eyebrows were narrowed. Or if he was pouting. If his cheeks were hot, I knew he was flustered and embarrassed. If he was smiling, I could feel the dampness of his lips because he always licks his lips before he smiles. And there was this little dip in his upper lip. I used to trace the pattern of it against anything I touched. A book cover. A table. And when I traced it out, I memorized it. I made everything feel like him – like home.”

Isak was shaking. He felt like he was going to fall to the floor and never get up again.

“I dreamed that he was standing next to the water. The sea. And he reached for me with sun-warm skin and made me see him. He wanted me to know that he was okay. That _we_ were okay, even though I hurt him. And then we jumped into the water together. I felt the cold rush of it all over, sinking down and down. I knew the water was deep, but he was holding my hand. So I knew we'd reach the top together. And I'd breathe again.”

Even rambled when he was manic. When he was breaking, unable to control his thoughts. He ran on impulse. No filter. No hesitation.

He often told a lot of truth when he was like this.

“ _I'll love you until we die, Isak. I don't think I could live without loving you.”_

_Isak rolled his eyes, trying to make Even take his meds and go to sleep. “Okay, Even.”_

“ _You're the most beautiful person.”_

“ _Even. Please stop.”_

“ _I need you to know.”_

“ _I do know. And you know. Now shut up.”_

“It was a beautiful dream.” Even sighed, suddenly reaching up to feel the wall behind him – a huge smile still on his face. “At least I have him in my head, right? At least my mind is kind enough to give me him like that, even though I was stupid enough to throw him away.”

Isak wanted to shout. He wanted to say so many things. He wanted some kind of resolution to all the damage Even had done.

He wanted to go back five years and never leave without Even.

He wanted to make himself trust his instincts; not travel to another country by himself. He could have waited. He could have started med school later in the year.

He wanted to have been given a fucking choice.

He wanted to be in love with Nathan.

Beautiful, kind, selfless Nathan. Who was waiting at home for Isak right now. Who had come to another country to be with Isak – to help Isak follow his dreams of being a doctor in Oslo.

But as Isak stood there, hating the man he was staring at – hating how much Even had crushed every part of Isak's soul five years ago – he also knew how pathetically in love he was with him still.

He'd always been in love with him. He hadn't gotten over him. He hadn't moved on. They'd been an ocean apart for five years, but Isak didn't ever figure out a way to erase Even from his mind. He hadn't forgotten Einar, or Astrid, or Huxley. All the Christmases and birthdays and summers spent together, laughing and dancing and baking.

He hadn't forgotten what it felt like to love Even.

Because as much as it was over the top, dramatic and worthy of Shakespeare, Isak knew that he would always love Even. And it wasn't because Isak believed in true love, or soul mates or any other kind of cliched love trope.

It was because Isak _felt_ it. He felt it within him. It was a surety, an absolute.

The truth.

And it scared the hell out of him.

Isak turned on his heel and ran out of the room, out of the ward, and back to where it was he was supposed to be.

**

**Wednesday, 23:09**

“Isak?”

Nathan's voice woke him up from a deep sleep, and he grumbled.

“What?”

“My dad died.”

Isak opened his eyes, turning over properly in the bed to look at his boyfriend. Nathan was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He wasn't crying. He didn't look angry, or even sad.

“Nate, I'm so sorry.” Isak whispered, reaching out to touch Nathan's chest; pull him into a hug.

Nathan let Isak hug him, but he didn't return it. He was as stiff as a board.

“Everything is so wrong.” Nathan said, shaking his head. Isak let go and leaned up on his elbow, frowning in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

Nathan suddenly sat up and pushed the blanket off, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “I'm not upset that he's dead. All I feel is... _relief._ I'm glad he's dead! I'm glad he fucking died because he was such an asshole. That's fucked up though. My father died and I'm not sad. What the hell?”

“I think you're still processing everything right now, Nate...and I...”

“And you're calling me _Nate!_ What the actual fuck? You have never done that, even when I've asked you to. What happened to the 'I don't believe in nicknames' bullshit you threw at me?”

Isak didn't know how to answer, afraid he was going to say the wrong thing.

“You're treating me differently. All you want is sex. I don't think we've had a proper conversation since I got here. We used to talk all the time, and you'd think we'd have lots to talk about now, but you hardly even _look_ at me.” Nathan said, his voice breaking. “I don't think it's me you're seeing at all right now.”

Isak felt the words in his bones, grief and guilt reaching out and scratching through his chest.

_See me. See us._

Isak hadn't seen Nathan. Not really. Not fully. Even though it had been years.

Maybe he hadn't ever really, truly seen Nathan until now. How wonderful he was. How caring and patient.

How much potential there was for Isak to love Nathan as well.

Could he have two absolutes?

Two infinite loves?

Two infinite universes. One where Isak loved Even, and one where he loved Nathan.

But Isak recognized he couldn't have one foot in one universe, and one foot in another. He had to choose. He had to pick one to be his reality, even if the other universe would keep on existing without him.

Isak sat up, feeling like something huge was about shift in his life. Tectonic plates finally moving, slipping out of place to find a new spot; the _right_ spot.

The best spot there was.

Isak put his arms around Nathan, closed his eyes, and for the first time since he'd known Nathan, actually saw him. Felt him.

_Chose_ him.

“I see you, Nathan. And I'm sorry everything feels wrong right now. But I promise you, you're right where you should be.”

**

Somewhere, in an infinite universe, Isak was sitting with his arms around Even – the yellow curtains on their window glimmering safely in morning sunlight.

 

 


	9. Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even POV.

**Even – 29**

**Week 3 – Monday**

 

“Even?” Einar's voice sounded like a combination of shock and happiness. Even smiled, holding the phone tighter against his ear.

 

“Hi, buddy. Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.” Even said, studiously ignoring his new roommate, an older man in his late sixties who had been brought in for the same reason as Even. Bipolar. But the guy also had severe dementia and was currently hollering about how the world was ending.

 

“That's okay. How are you?” Einar asked eagerly, and Even wished he could hug his brother. It had been too many days without some kind of contact. Touching was frowned upon here.

 

“I want to know how _you_ are.” 

 

“Even, don't deflect. Please.”

 

“Fine.” Even sighed, hating how smart Einar was. He didn't let Even get away with anything. “I'm all right. Better than I was. The meds knocked me out a little and it took longer than expected to come out of the mania, but it's better now. Try not to worry about me okay?” 

 

“That's what Isak is always saying. But it's hard.” Einar said, sounding embarrassed to admit that he was thinking about himself. Even felt a stab of guilt that Einar had had to worry about not only his mother but his brother at the same time. 

 

But he tried to remember his therapist's words from their past few sessions when he'd admitted to feeling guilt about being sick.

 

“ _Even, it's not your fault that you're ill. Mental illness isn't a choice.”_

 

“ _I know that, but...”_

 

“ _I don't think you do know that, though. You keep blaming yourself.”_

 

“ _I didn't exactly stay on top of taking my meds on time. That_ is _my fault.”_

“ _That's also a symptom of being manic. Which isn't your fault.”_

 

“ _I've hurt so many people because of this. I fucking hate it.”_

 

“ _You're allowed to hate it, but you're not allowed to blame yourself.”_

 

“Listen to Isak, buddy. He's right. How has school been? How's Lea? Tell me.” Even said, genuinely wanting to know how Einar had been.

 

“School is fine. Everyone keeps giving me cards and sharing their lunch because I'm the sad boy who lost my mom. Lea keeps threatening to bitch slap them.” Einar chuckled, and the sound brought tears to Even's eyes as he laughed too.

 

“I bet she is.”

 

“I _am_ sad about Mom, but I also want people to stop bringing it up. You know?”

 

“Yeah. I get it.”

 

“Lea comes over to Isak's almost every day. I think they're finally talking again. I know she missed him.”

 

Even nodded, sighing. He knew how hard Isak's absence had been on Einar's best friend. For the first few years she talked non-stop about seeing Isak again, going to visit. She always wanted to Skype him and when Even had broken up with Isak, she hadn't understood. She came over to see Einar, asking if their could call Isak, Terje hovering nervously in the doorway, saying flat hellos to Even that he interpreted as 'why did you hurt my son this way?'

 

But as Marianne got worse – Lea had broken down one night when she was having a sleepover at Even's place, saying how Marianne often didn't know who she was and how she scared Lea – Lea seemed to harbour anger towards Isak being gone. She didn't want to speak to him anymore, didn't bother updating him on her life because _“what am I going to say? Mom is crazy and Dad is sad and I'm all by myself.”_

 

Even knew Lea didn't actually hate Isak. She _missed_ him. She wanted him to know the truth about their mother, but like everything else, nobody wanted to bother Isak. Everyone wanted him to focus on his dream. It made Even think that he and Terje weren't that different. They were both protecting Isak.

 

“That's good.” Even swallowed, realizing he'd probably paused for too long.

 

“I don't think...” Einar sighed, sounding like he was debating telling his brother what he had started to say. “I don't think Isak's boyfriend likes me very much, though.”

 

Even immediately tensed. “Why? Has he been rude to you?”

 

“No. _No.”_ Einar rushed to say. “He just doesn't talk to me at all. And whenever I'm speaking to Isak, he kind of hovers next to him like he's waiting for me to go away.”

 

Even couldn't help but clench his fist, digging his nails into his palm.

“He doesn't speak any Norwegian. And he gets lost a lot when he goes out. I think that might be frustrating for him. That's what Isak has said anyways.” Einar continued, and that helped Even relax. It made sense. Moving to a new country was probably extremely difficult, especially if you didn't know the language.

 

_Perhaps he should have learned Norwegian before moving, but what the fuck do I know?_

 

“That makes sense. Try not to take it personally.”

 

“I'm trying. Living with Isak is nice though. Is it weird if I say that I really, really missed him?” Einar asked, sounding sheepish again.

 

“It's not weird, buddy.”

 

“He was like my second brother for a long time. Clearly Mom loved him.”

 

_I love him too._

 

_But I was a fucking idiot._

 

“Yeah.” Even said awkwardly.

 

“He's at work a lot, but he asked his job if he can only work a maximum of eight hours so he can come home to see me.”

 

Even didn't find that surprising at all, even though Isak was probably missing out on stuff. Didn't doctor's work horrendously long hours in order to learn and practice?

 

The next round of guilt stabbed at Even's heart and he tried to rub it away, his therapist popping back into his head again.

 

“ _Isak didn't have to take this on. It was his choice.” Dr. Williams said calmly. “I think it's good you finally let him make his own decision.”_

 

“ _But it's so fucking dumb. He's going to put a huge dent in his own career, and for what? To take care of his ex-boyfriend's brother while his ex-boyfriend is locked up in a psych ward?” Even scoffed, crossing his arms._

 

“ _Well, he's an adult. He knows what he can and cannot handle.”_

 

“ _I should just appoint someone else. Sonja would do it in a flash.”_

 

“ _That would interrupt her life as well. Wouldn't you feel guilty if she took him?”_

 

“ _Not really. She's done so much else for me. And she isn't a doctor.”_

 

“ _Oh, so you'd only feel guilty if Isak kept guardianship of Einar?”_

 

“ _His job is more demanding.”_

“ _But having custody of a teenager is demanding too, no matter the career. Her life would be just as interrupted as Isak's.”_

 

“ _Not really.”_

 

“ _She has a boyfriend too, right? She has her own life.”_

 

“ _She knows my brother. She's been in my life all this time.”_

 

“ _Okay, but that doesn't matter. It's still a lot to ask of_ anyone. _But if a person agrees, it's their own choice. They could say no if they didn't want to. So, that means Isak feels okay doing this because he said yes. He definitely didn't have to.”_

 

“ _Stop being so damn logical.”_

 

“ _Nope. I'm afraid that's impossible. Cookie?”_

 

“That's nice of him.” Even decided to say instead, realizing his roommate had now fallen asleep. He was snoring quite loudly.

 

“Can I come and visit you soon?”

 

“Einar...”

 

“I _want_ to. I don't care if you're in a hospital, Evy.”

 

“ _Let people choose you, Even. Let them choose to help you.”_

 

Even rolled his eyes. Dr. William's calm, collected voice was fantastic at stopping his negative thought patterns, but it was kind of annoying. It was hard to admit he needed to stop cutting people out.

 

“Okay. Ask Isak when he would have time to bring you. Maybe this weekend sometime.”

 

“Really?” Einar asked, sounding completely shocked.

 

“Yeah. I'd love to see you, buddy. I just don't want you to waste your time on me.”

 

“It's not a waste, Even. I miss you.” Einar stated, so much conviction in his voice that Even nearly started bawling.

 

“I miss you too.”

 

**

**Thursday**

 

“How many sexual partners have you had in the last year?” The nurse asked, casually wrapping the blood pressure sleeve around his arm.

 

The question should have been easy. It shouldn't make Even frown, straining his brain to try and remember just how many people he'd fucked in the last year. The last _five_ years.

“Um,” He stammered, shaking his head. “I'm not sure.”

 

“An estimation is fine.” She said, not sounding judgmental.

 

This was a horrible time to ask Even because he was sure his blood pressure was spiked as he thought about how many nights he'd spent in seedy bars, hooking up with people in the bathroom. How he'd gone home with his knees hurting, come drying on his face, and having to pretend he was fine when Astrid had asked if he was all right.

 

How he'd let men fuck him up against walls, or take him into alleys, or back to their apartments. Nothing bad had ever happened. Nobody had hurt him or done anything he hadn't agreed to, but it had all been meaningless.

 

It had all been a desperate attempt to feel something else; feel an emotion that wasn't regret, or sadness or anger that he couldn't fix his mother. He couldn't prevent her from dying.

 

Sonja had taken him to clinics every month to get tested for various things, not trusting Even's judgment when he was out and drunk and hooking up.

 

“ _It won't happen again, Sonja.” He'd always say, leaning into her shoulder and smelling her sweet, strawberry face cream._

 

“ _Okay.”_

 

“ _I'm serious.”_

 

“ _There's nothing wrong with having sex, Even.”_

 

“ _Then why are we here?”_

 

“ _Because I want to make sure you're okay.”_

 

“ _I always use protection.”_

 

“ _Are you sure?”_

 

No.

 

“ _Yes.”_

 

“ _I don't believe you. I'm not saying it's bad, but I just don't believe you.”_

 

Even seriously owed Sonja his life. He called her almost every day, her voice keeping him sane. He had felt bad calling her so much, taking up so much of her time. But then he remember that he'd been doing that for the past five years, and she'd never once complained.

 

“Even? I need an estimate.” The nurse said again, unwrapping the blood pressure sleeve and taking it off his arm.

 

Even gulped, cheeks flaring in embarrassment. “I'm guessing between twenty and thirty.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Even hadn't been asked this yet. He'd had an initial exam when he'd come in, and that's how they'd found out he had a blood infection and he was malnourished. But nobody had asked his history.

 

He had a feeling he knew why she was asking now, though.

 

“Do you normally use protection?” She asked, placing the metal stethoscope end on his chest and making him flinch.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Thanks. Wait here, please.”

 

Even hung his head after she left, knowing he was probably about to get a lecture. He waited on the exam table, feeling the crunchy sheet underneath rip as he shifted. The smell of alcohol swabs bombarded his senses and it reminded him of when he took Einar to the doctor when he got multiple ear infections in one year when he was ten.

 

“Even? It's Dr. Williams.” He hadn't even noticed the door opening again, so he jumped when her voice broke the silence in the air.

 

“Oh. Hi.”

 

“How are you?” She asked, once again not giving anything away.

 

“Fine.” He lied, gritting his teeth.

 

“I guess you know why I'm here.”

 

“I have an idea.”

 

“Sexual relationships between patients is strictly forbidden. There are multiple reasons for that, but the main one is that it prevents patients from focusing on their care.”

 

Even felt like his face was on fire. He was nearly thirty years old, and he felt like he had been caught by a teacher with his pants down behind the school, fucking someone he shouldn't be. Which was kind of what happened, except he was caught by a nurse with his pants down being fucked by one of the new male patients who had come into the floor two days prior.

 

“You haven't tested positive for any diseases.” She continued, casual-as-you-fucking-please. “Would you say sexual promiscuity is part of your mania? Part of your illness?”

 

“I'm not manic right now.” Even stated.

 

“So you generally have a lot of sexual partners?”

 

Even wanted to crawl into a hole where nobody could see him and stay there for the rest of his life.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Does the number increase when you're manic?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay. That's something we can discuss in our session tomorrow. I'm told by the director that if this happens again, you'll be asked to leave. Do you understand?”

 

Even nodded and let out a long breath. “Yes.”

 

“I'll see you tomorrow, Even.”

 

**

**Saturday**

 

“Hi Even, it's Isak.”

 

Even wanted to laugh because he would know that voice anywhere. Isak didn't need to tell him it was him who had called.

 

“Hi. How are you?” Even asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.

 

“Fine. Listen, today isn't going to work for me to bring Einar. Is tomorrow okay?” Isak said, sounding rushed and annoyed.

 

“Oh. Sure.” Even said, unable to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

 

“Something has come up here, and I just don't have the time.”

 

“Everything all right?” Even asked, unable to stop himself.

 

“Um, well no actually.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Even, we're not friends.” Isak suddenly spat, the iciness in his voice shocking Even a little. But he knew he deserved it. Isak deserved to be angry.

 

“I know. Doesn't mean I don't care.”

 

“I wish you wouldn't.”

 

“Sorry. It's kind of out of my control.”

“I know the feeling.” Isak whispered, so quiet that Even nearly missed it.

 

“What's going on, Isak?”

 

“Too much. Work is busy. I can hardly keep up. Nathan's dad died last week and his mother told him not to come home for the funeral because she's still not okay with him being gay. And my Mom...” Isak broke off, trying to conceal what sounded like a sob.

 

Even tried to breathe evenly, but his worry for Isak made him take in breaths at a quicker rate, hating to hear Isak upset. It had always been the worst sound in the world to him.

 

“My mom isn't doing well. She isn't coping in the facility. She keeps having violent outbursts and my dad doesn't know what to do.” Isak finally said, his voice deep like it always was in the mornings.

 

“ _Morning baby,” Isak used to say every morning, moving over and kissing Even's mouth. Even always returned the kiss, even if he wasn't fully conscious yet._

 

“ _You sound sexy like that.”_

 

“ _I sound like a smoker.”_

 

“ _No, you sound hot. Quickie before class?”_

 

“ _You're such a horny bastard.”_

 

“ _Well, yeah. You're my boyfriend. How am I supposed to resist?”_

 

“Isak, I'm so sorry.”

 

“It doesn't matter. I'll be fine.”

 

“You don't sound fine.”

 

“Don't worry about me. What time works for tomorrow?”

 

Even sighed, an idea suddenly springing into his head. “Why don't you let Einar come and see me alone? That way you can be with your dad. He's old enough.”

 

There was a long pause, and for a few moments Even thought he'd lost the connection.

 

“I'll bring him. I don't mind. I'm seeing my mom today but tomorrow is all right.” Isak said, his voice neutral now. No emotion.

 

“If you're sure.”

 

“I am. What time tomorrow?”

 

“Whatever works for you, Isak.” Even said, knowing he sounded sad now.

 

“Okay. Maybe around noon?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Okay. Bye, Even.”

 

Isak hung up before Even could reply.

 

“Bye, Issy.” Even said to no-one, hanging the phone back up with a shaky hand. 

 


	10. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to be updating this fic every Wednesday from here on out, potentially more if I have the time. This chapter is a day early because I'm moving tomorrow and won't have internet. 
> 
> Isak POV.

**Isak – 27**

**Saturday, 09:47**

 

“Why did you give me this?” Nathan asked, looking puzzled as Isak handed him a dictionary.

 

Einar hid a smirk behind his hand as he faked coughed, turning his attention quickly back to the game he was playing. Lea sat next to him, enthralled and not giving anyone a slight glance.

 

“I think you need to learn some Norwegian basics.” Isak said in Norwegian, flashing his boyfriend an obnoxious smile when Nathan rolled his eyes.

 

“Isak, you know I can't...”

 

“ _Exactly.”_ Isak interrupted. “You need to learn at least some of the language. A lot of people do speak English, to be fair, but I think it will help you to know how to communicate. At least to order meals and buy groceries. Right?”

 

Nathan sighed but eventually nodded. “I suppose it will give me something to do.”

 

“Good. I have to go now. See you soon.” Isak said, kissing his boyfriend's greasy hair and trying not to scrunch up his nose. Nathan hadn't been taking the news well that he wasn't invited to his own father's funeral, and he'd spent the last few days moping around the house and staying in week-old pajamas.

 

“Can you ask him to shower?” Einar asked, taking advantage of the fact that Nathan didn't understand him. Isak threw him a look.

 

“He doesn't smell _that_ bad. He's grieving.”

 

“I know. But like...I can smell him from here, Issy.” Einar stated, looking like he felt bad about calling Nathan out on his bad hygiene. “I lost my mom and I'm still managing to shower.”

 

Isak sighed, knowing there was some truth to that. But he just couldn't bring himself to ask more of Nathan than he already was. His moving to Oslo hadn't been what either of them had pictured.

 

“I'll talk to him. But I have to go now. See you for dinner.” Isak said, hoping he could make himself do just that later in the evening. “Bye, Lea.”

 

“Bye, Issy.” Lea said absentmindedly, eyes still glued to their Mario Kart battle. He smiled to himself before closing the door, heading out to meet his dad who was waiting in the apartment complex parking lot.

 

Isak got into the car, his chest burning a little as he greeted his father.

 

“You ready?” Terje asked quietly, starting the car.

 

“No. But let's go.”

 

**

 

Marianne was sitting in an armchair, perfectly still and silent, when Terje and Isak walked into her locked ward. The space was surprisingly inviting, considering the doors were locked and patients not allowed to leave without supervision. The walls were a bright yellow, fresh flowers on the tables and nice, colourful paintings on the walls. The paintings weren't doctor's office paintings either – pale, chalky colours of random rivers or sunsets. Or abstract messes that just gave people headaches if they stared too long. These paintings were of oceans and ships, jungles and seashores with long forgotten towns or places from magical stories.

 

Paintings you could get lost in, which was precisely what Marianne seemed to be doing as Isak sat next to her and took her hand in his own.

 

“Mom?” He said, trying to catch her eye. But she didn't look at him; didn't give any indication that she knew he was there at all.

 

“After her outburst yesterday, we unfortunately had to sedate her.” One of the doctor's said, hovering beside Isak and Terje.

 

“She looks completely out of it.” Isak said through clenched teeth. His mother's hair was a mess on top of her head, her clothes miss-matched and stained. How could these people expect Isak to believe his mother was being taken care of properly?

 

“As I told Terje, she was very violent with another patient. We had to restrain her before Marianne began hitting her again. The woman is quite old, and wasn't able to protect herself.”

 

“Okay, thanks. I'd like some privacy with her.” Isak snapped, kneeling in front of Marianne and brushing the hair out of her face.

 

“I'll be coming around again soon, if you have more questions.” The doctor continued, addressing Terje now. Isak's hostility was probably coming across loud and clear, which is exactly what Isak wanted. He was so angry he felt like screaming, but he kept himself calm.

 

He wanted to see his mother. The _real_ her. The one he could always find when everyone else had given up.

 

“It's Isak, Mom. I'm back from New York.” Isak continued, speaking to her as if she was listening; as if she'd jumped up and welcomed him home with a big hug; eyes sparkling and skin healthy.

 

“Isak, I don't know if she can hear you.” Terje said slowly, placing a hand on Isak's shoulder. “Perhaps we should just go and talk with the doctor again.”

 

“I haven't seen her in five years.” Isak said, suddenly standing up and shaking his father off. “Just because she's like this doesn't mean I have to stop treating her like she's my mother - like she's _human,_ which she fucking is!”

 

Terje went pale and took a step back, glancing around him. Nobody seemed to notice that Isak was shouting, the other patients preoccupied or just as lost in their minds as Marianne.

 

“I'll leave you alone for a little while. But if she starts hurting you, call for me.”

 

“She won't hurt me.” Isak said, shaking with rage now. Rage and sadness.

 

Isak sat down again, putting a little space between himself and his mother. He looked at the painting she was staring at. There were some men down near a stream, moving items from an old ship to the shore. In the background were ruins of a castle that looked as if it could have once been glorious, but now nobody paid attention to it. The men by the stream couldn't have cared less that the gray, stoic brick building was still towering above them in the red sunset.

 

“ _I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there._ ” Isak started to sing in English, hoping this would make some kind of impact on his mother. It was the song they used to sing together when he was a kid, back when he couldn't stop watching 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame.' It was his favourite Disney film.

 

“ _I don't know if you would listen to a gypsy's prayer. Yes I know I'm just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you. Still I see your face and wonder, were you once an outcast too?”_

 

Isak didn't realize he was crying until he couldn't sing anymore, choking back the sobs that would have echoed throughout the room. He hung his head, trying to muster up the next part of the song, memories of his mother dancing with him and twirling him around plundering through his mind. 

 

“ _God help the outcasts, hungry from birth. Show them the mercy they don't find on earth.”_ Marianne suddenly sang, her hands finding Isak's and he whipped his head up. She was smiling at him as she stood up, pulling him to his feet. 

 

Isak saw her. The  _real_ her, and now he started crying from happiness. She wasn't gone. She wasn't lost to him, not entirely.

 

“ _God help my people, we look to you still. God help the outcasts, or nobody will.”_ They sang together, Marianne twirling Isak before she threw her head back and laughed; the sound powerful and marvelous and full of life. 

 

“Mom.” Isak whispered, pulling her into a hug that she returned with great enthusiasm. 

 

“My baby.” She said, placing a kiss to his cheek. “You've finally come home.” 

**

 

“I've done _what?_ How do I not remember all this?” Marianne asked, shaking her head as she sat between Isak and Terje. 

 

“We think you may have used regression as a defense mechanism. You saw what you wanted to see, and didn't fully accept reality. You told us recently that you were only sixteen years old. The responsibilities of motherhood and being an adult disappeared. You didn't know you were a mother. Memory loss is also common with your condition.” The doctor explained, and Isak nodded in understanding. One thing he had tried to do when in med school was learn more about his mother's illness. The brain was terrifying. 

 

“So, I didn't remember Lea or Isak?” Marianne whispered, clutching to Isak as if he was going to disappear. 

 

The doctor shook his head. “Not for quite some time.” 

 

“How old is Lea?” Marianne gasped, looking at Terje now who was staring down at his feet. 

 

“She's fifteen, Mom.” Isak answered for his father, giving his mother a sympathetic look. 

 

“Oh, God.” Marianne cried, tears streaming down her face. “That means you're...twenty-seven.” She said, cupping Isak's cheeks with her moist hands. “You're so handsome, Issy. My wonderful boy.” 

 

Isak took in a deep breath, overwhelmed. This lucidity in his mother was wonderful but he didn't know how long it would last. How long would he have his mother back with him again?

 

“Can I see Lea? Please let me see her, Terje.” Marianne pleaded, looking at him with red-rimmed eyes. 

 

“I don't know if she'll want to, but I'll ask her.” Terje said roughly, finally looking up at his ex-wife. “It hasn't been easy for her.” 

 

Marianne looked away, shame written all over her face. Isak didn't know what else to say. 

 

“I want to start some new therapy with you, Marianne. And some new medications. I want to try and keep this lucidity for as long as we can.” The doctor - who Isak still didn't know the name of - said as he took down some notes in a leather-bound notebook. 

 

“Okay. Whatever might help.” Marianne smiled, looking a bit hopeful. 

 

“If your family is able, I suggest them coming to visit as frequently as possible to help you stay present and grounded in reality.” He continued, glancing up at Isak and Terje. “Will that be possible?” 

 

“Yes.” Isak said immediately, knowing what his weekends would be full of now. Time with his mom. 

 

“But you have a job, don't you? You went away to be a...” Marianne frowned, struggling to remember. 

 

“Doctor.” 

 

“Isak, I always knew you were so smart. That's such a commitment. You have to focus on doing that. Not being here with me.” Marianne said, shaking her head. 

 

“You're important to me too. I'll come whenever I can. And I'll bring Lea and Nathan, and Dad will come too.” Isak looked pointedly at his father. 

 

“And bring Even as well. I love that boy so much.” Marianne smiled, looking dreamily at Isak. 

 

Isak froze, his chest tightening further and he reached up to rub his sternum – willing the anxiety away. 

 

“Isak isn't with Even anymore, Marianne.” Terje stepped in, seeing how distressed his son looked. “He's together with someone named Nathan. Lovely boy.” 

 

“What?” Marianne frowned. “But you and Even were so...” 

 

“You'll like Nathan too.” Isak cut her off, trying to smile. His heart was booming inside his ears, making him queasy and light-headed. “I'll bring him around tomorrow.” 

 

**

** Saturday, 19:21 **

 

“She remembers everything?” Lea asked, a large bite of dinner still in her mouth. 

 

Einar looked at Isak from across the table and then back to his best friend, suddenly worried about the tension in the room. 

 

“Yeah. She's lucid, which is why I thought you might want to come and see her tomorrow.” Isak said softly, sipping his wine. He wanted to chug the whole damn glass but he stopped himself. Getting drunk right now would solve absolutely nothing. 

 

“No. I don't want to.” Lea announced, putting her fork and knife down and pushing her plate away. 

 

“It might be nice to see her, Lea Mia.” Einar whispered, and it was the first time Isak had heard Einar call his little sister any sort of nickname. 

 

“I said no.” Lea snapped, crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

 

Isak suddenly found it hard to swallow the dinner Nathan had made. “Okay.” He managed, also losing his appetite. 

 

“If you change your mind, we're leaving around nine tomorrow.” Nathan said, looking grateful that everyone was speaking in English so he understood. 

 

“Are we seeing Even in the afternoon, Isak?” Einar asked hesitantly, still eating just fine. 

 

“Oh, _fuck.”_ Isak swore, throwing his fork and knife down on his plate with a loud bang before he could stop himself. Everyone at the table flinched and Einar's eyes went wide. 

 

“Sorry. I'm sorry.” Isak said, shaking his head. “I just completely forgot about that, Einar. I'm sorry. We can go there instead. I have to work in the afternoon.” 

 

“But it's important for you to see your mom.” Einar pointed out, still looking panicked that Isak was about to freak out again. 

 

“I already promised that we would go. I let Even know too and it isn't fair if I cancel on him.” 

 

“I can take Einar.” Nathan suddenly said, flashing Einar a small smile. “That way you can spend the time you need to with your mom.” 

 

Einar, Lea and Isak all exchanged a look that Nathan obliviously missed – one that said 'sending your boyfriend to go and meet your ex-boyfriend with your ex-boyfriend's brother probably isn't the smartest idea.'

 

“Um, maybe we can just re-schedule with Even?” Einar suggested, chuckling awkwardly. Lea just rolled her eyes. 

 

“I know you want to see your brother, though.” Nathan continued, and the sweetness in his tone made Isak a little weak. Nathan was such a thoughtful person. 

 

“Um,” Einar continued to stutter, looking pleadingly at Isak. 

 

“That's settled then.” Isak said, clearing his throat. “I'll go see my mom and Nathan will take Einar to see Even. Problem solved.” 

 

“Yeah,” Lea scoffed, standing up and giving Isak an annoyed stare. “What could go wrong?” 

 


	11. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even POV.

**Even - 29**

**Sunday, 12:09**

 

“Even!” Einar practically yelled, barreling into the room with what sounded like big, clunky boots.

 

Before Even could properly prepare himself, he had his arms full of little brother and he fell back onto his bed. They laughed together and eventually Einar pulled him back up.

 

“I think you made me put my back out.” Even teased, reaching up and booping Einar on the nose.

 

“Sorry, old man.”

 

“Hey, watch your mouth.” Even said, tickling Einar's sides until the younger brother screamed for mercy. Even was so caught up in the commotion that he forgot to inquire about Isak's whereabouts. He assumed Isak was standing in the doorway, watching the whole thing and he felt himself blush.

 

“Nathan, come and meet my brother.” Einar said, standing up from the bed and walking towards the door again.

 

Even froze, completely unprepared.

 

Isak had asked his _boyfriend_ to bring Einar to the hospital? A boyfriend who Einar had mentioned didn't particularly like Even's brother all that much?

 

What the fuck?

 

Even stood up shakily, reaching for his cane and sparing a second to wonder how disheveled he looked. He hadn't exactly been shaving or washing his face every day. The bare minimum is all that was required of him so he didn't smell like unwashed armpits.

 

“Hey, man. Nice to meet you.” The man said in English, which again made Even feel entirely unequipped. Next thing he knew a large, soft hand was touching his and making Even shake in greeting. “I'm Nathan.”

 

“Um, hey. I'm Even.” English wasn't his strongest point, but he supposed he would have to try if he was going to avoid being rude.

 

“Isak had to go and see his mom.” Einar explained, switching back to Norwegian. It made Even's brain feel less anxious.

 

“How is she doing?” He asked, trying it out in English. He thought it sounded clear enough.

 

“Isak's mom?” Nathan cut in, his voice closer than it had been a moment ago. “When Isak visited her yesterday she started acting the most normal that she'd been in _years.”_ Nathan explained, sounding impressed.

 

Even winced at the way he said _normal._

 

He doubted Isak's boyfriend thought Even was normal, being in a psych ward and all.

 

“Marianne is really lucid and she recognized Isak. The doctor wants Isak to visit more in order to keep her attached to reality.” Einar explained, again in Norwegian. Even smirked a little, knowing Einar was probably doing it on purpose.

 

“That's really good.” Even said, wrapping an arm around Einar. “I bet Isak is thrilled.”

 

“He is. I told him I would bring Einar to see you so that he could spend some time with his mom.” Nathan chuckled, sounding really proud of himself.

 

If he was looking for a gold star sticker, Even didn't have any.

 

“Great. Thanks for that, Nathan.” Even said, hoping he sounded more cheery than he felt inside.

 

“No problem. I guess I'll leave you guys to it. When should I come back to get Einar?” Nathan asked, following the brothers as they left Even's room and headed towards the lounge – where everyone normally hung out.

 

“Give us about an hour?” Einar interjected, putting his arm around Even's middle and squeezing.

 

“Or you're welcome to join us.” Even offered, feeling like it was only polite to ask.

 

“No. This is your time together. I wouldn't want to intrude. I'll see you in an hour then. I'll probably go and find Isak. He's working this afternoon.”

 

“Yeah, _working._ Maybe not the best idea to bug him.” Einar whispered in Norwegian, huffing a laugh into Even's ear.

 

“What?” Nathan asked innocently.

 

“Nothing. See you in an hour.” Even nodded, flashing a mediocre smile before leading Einar properly into the lounge. He found his favourite couch, luckily unoccupied, and plunked down unceremoniously.

 

“This is so awkward I might just evaporate.” Even mumbled, feeling Einar sit down next to him.

 

“Tell me about it. But Isak wouldn't let me come alone and he also wouldn't let me re-schedule today with you. So, blame Isak.”

 

_I don't blame Isak for anything._

 

“Nah, I know he has the best intentions.” Even said, reaching out and finding the familiar bowl of fruit that was put on the table in front of the couch. He felt around until he found two apples that weren't mushy. “Apple?”

 

“Sure.”

 

They ate together for a few minutes, the crunchy apples filling the silence.

 

“Nathan doesn't know that you and Isak were together. That makes it slightly less awkward.” Einar offered.

 

Even wanted to change the damn subject because he was about two seconds away from asking Einar what Nathan looked like and if he was good enough for Isak. He didn't want to be that jealous, petty ex-boyfriend and he certainly didn't want his visit with Einar to be about his own envy.

 

“I'm probably getting out in another two weeks.” He offered instead, smiling genuinely now. “I'm making good progress with my therapy. And my meds are leveling out.”

 

_I had a minor setback of fucking a fellow patient, but everyone makes mistakes._

 

“Really?” Einar gasped, sounding excited. “So we would go back to the house. Just you, me and Huxley?”

 

Even nodded, the need to have Huxley next to him suddenly excruciating. Huxley had come with him at first to the hospital, but it became a problem when other patients wouldn't leave the dog alone. It was hard to make some patients understand that the dog wasn't supposed to be touched, considering he was a service dog. So, Huxley had to leave and Even had to find someone to take him. Even didn't want Isak to be taking care of his brother _and_ dog, so Huxley was currently with Sonja.

 

And knowing how much his best friend loved Huxley, he might end up being _her_ dog by the time Even got out.

 

“Don't rush it though, okay?” Einar said, leaning on Even. “I want you to be okay before coming back.”

 

“I know. I'm taking it seriously, Einar. I promise.”

 

“Good.”

 

Even felt like he was actually doing a good job with this. Focusing on himself after years of taking care of others was hard and frustrating, mostly because he was realizing how many mistakes he had made, but he also knew it was necessary. It was also necessary to forgive himself, and let himself be who he was without judging himself so harshly.

 

Dr. Williams was working with him on finding all the _good_ he brought to the world. Like how he was a caring, kind brother to Einar. He was a decent friend when he was present. He _had_ been a good partner to Isak, if one were to ignore how monumentally he'd fucked up at the end, and there was every chance he could be in a stable relationship again.

 

Even was also desperate to start over again and find an actual career. One that he was passionate about and capable of doing – partly from home.

 

Even also had something he hadn't had for a very, very long time.

 

_Hope._

 

**

**Sunday, 12:49**

 

Even was finishing up a game of chess with Einar in his room when he heard someone knocking at the door. Annoyance flared through him because it couldn't have been an hour already, could it? Nathan clearly had a broken watch.

 

“Isak! Hey!” Einar said happily, and Even listened as Isak walked into the room.

 

“Hi guys.” Isak's smooth voice said, a hint of a smile in it. “Sorry to interrupt.”

 

“That's all right. I'm just beating Even's ass at chess.” Einar quipped, hitting Even playfully on the arm.

 

“I'm at a _clear_ disadvantage here, though. I'm fucking blind.”

 

Even expected Einar's laughter, because he knew how to make his brother laugh. But what Even didn't expect was Isak's laughter, clear and crisp in the still air of the room.

 

The hope that Even was feeling in his heart multiplied, however stupid that might be. There was a part of Even that hung on to the hope that one day – maybe a day far from now – he and Isak could be friends again.

 

“Glad you're beating him, Einar. Where's Nathan?” Isak asked. “I came to see him before my shift officially starts.”

 

“He went to find you when we first got here.” Einar said, confusion in his voice.

 

“Oh.” Isak faltered, and for five horrendously long seconds there was only silence. “Okay. Well I'll just be off, but Even can I talk to you alone for a second?”

 

Even was surprised Isak wanted to be anywhere near him, especially alone again. The last time they'd been alone...

 

“I'll go to the bathroom then.” Einar said, sitting up and walking out quickly and without argument. Again, the room went silent and Even waited for Isak to speak, his body turned towards the younger man.

 

“I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for asking Nathan to bring Einar. I wasn't trying to be a dick or anything. My mom...” Isak stammered, sounding like it was an effort to get the words out.

 

“I know. Einar told me. I'm glad she's doing okay.” Even said, trying to ease whatever discomfort Isak was feeling.

 

_Don't ever apologize to me._

 

“I wouldn't say she's _okay,_ but she at least is back with us for now.” Isak stated, letting out a long breath. “Fuck, I'm going to need so much coffee to get through this shift. I'm fucking exhausted.”

 

The admittance stunned Even. Isak was speaking so normally, so casually, that it left Even a little bit speechless.

 

“And I'm stuck in emergency which means lots of sutures and blood. Yay for me.” Isak continued, sitting down where Einar had just been sitting – across from Even.

 

“How is being a doctor going? I don't think I got to properly ask.” Even offered, trying to choose his words wisely. He didn't know when Isak would realize he was letting his guard down, letting Even have a sense of what his world was like.

 

“Nah, you were too busy fainting and I was too busy breaking your dad's nose.” Isak joked.

 

_Joked._

 

Had Even fallen asleep? Was he dreaming?

 

“You're not wrong.”

 

Isak paused a second before continuing, making Even fear that his time was up. And he desperately didn't want it to be up yet. He'd _missed_ this. Normal talks with Isak. About their day, the weather, _anything._ As long as he got to hear that voice.

 

“I did well in med school. Graduated top of the class. Coming home has been nice, but a little different than hospitals in the States. I work with some nice people though. Residents, like me anyways. But the head of departments can suck my dick.”

 

Even let out an involuntary loud laugh, clutching onto the sides of his chair as he leaned forward.

 

“That bad, huh?”

 

“Oh yeah. It sucks sometimes, being treated like I'm a fool. But it's how we learn.” Isak said, making a sound that indicated he was stretching; arms probably up in the air as he leaned back. “I'm due back upstairs, but I'll see you around. Oh wait. _Fuck.”_

 

Even didn't know how kindly Isak would take to him chuckling, but he did it anyway. He couldn't help it. Isak was adorable.

 

“That's still your favourite goodbye, huh?”

 

“It just happens. I didn't mean to...” Isak said, his voice small now.

 

“Don't worry. I know it wasn't on purpose. Just like I know you didn't mean for things to be awkward with Nathan.”

 

“He just wanted to help.” Isak replied.

 

“I know. It actually wasn't that awkward. Since he apparently knows nothing about us being together, that made it even _less_ awkward. Does he think we were just friends?” Even asked, knowing he had probably gone too far now.

 

“Even...”

 

“Okay.” Even put his hands up. “Sorry.”

 

“You and Even were _together?”_ A voice asked from the doorway, and Even immediately wished he hadn't said _anything_ at all.

 

“Fuck. Nathan. I...” Isak began, but it seemed to be in vain anyways because Even heard Nathan turn away from the door and head down the hallway at a running speed.

 

Isak got up and followed his boyfriend without another word.

 

“What did I miss?” Came Einar's voice a second later, and Even just hung his head. “What happened? Where are Isak and Nathan going?”

 

The tiny bit of hope that had bloomed in Even's chest about being friends with Isak again wilted and crumbled into dust.

 

**

 

**Isak – 20**

**Even – 22**

 

“ _I want to marry you someday, Isak.” Even whispered, and Isak wished his boyfriend would have picked a different time to bring this up. Not in the middle of Isak on top of Even, fucking into him hard and fast._

 

“ _Even..” Isak panted, practically tasting his orgasm. He was really close, but now he was thinking about matching tuxedos and what kind of flowers they would order._

 

“ _I want you to fuck me as my husband. Just like this. On our wedding night.” Even continued, reaching up to kiss Isak's neck; sucking a mark into the skin a second later._

 

“ _Yeah?” Isak asked, unable to help himself. He pictured a nice hotel room, both of them exhausted from the day, but still wanting each other so much._

 

“ _Tell me you'll marry me someday.” Even said, his breath coming faster – his hips moving quicker and Isak knew he was close._

 

“ _I will. Of course I will.” Isak gasped, spilling into the condom a second later and Even not far behind._

 

_Was marriage a kink? Because Isak was kind of seeing stars._

 

_Isak was drifting off to sleep fifteen minutes later, nestled against Even's back when he heard Even say something he couldn't quite hear._

 

“ _What?”_

 

_Even turned around so they were facing each other and wrapped Isak up in his arms, almost too tightly. Too desperately; like Isak was going somewhere Even wasn't. Which was just lunacy. Where would Isak go that Even wouldn't too?_

 

“ _I'm going to love you forever, Isak. Please know that.”_

 

_Isak pulled Even into a sleepy kiss, smiling._

 

“ _I do."_

 


	12. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a chapter early because I love y'all :) 
> 
> Isak POV.

**Isak – 25**

 

_“You've never told me about your ex-boyfriends.” Nathan mused, his head resting on Isak's chest as they laid together in bed. Isak tensed up involuntarily._

 

_Why was Nathan bringing this up now?_

 

_“No, I haven't.”_

 

_“How come? I've been honest with you.” Nathan continued, shifting up on one elbow so he could see Isak's face a bit easier. “Is there something you're hiding from me?”_

 

_Isak rolled his eyes. “Stop being dramatic. I'm not hiding anything.”_

 

_“Okay. Then what's the deal?”_

 

_“Maybe I just don't think it's important.” Isak shrugged, turning to look at the clock and knowing he needed to go to sleep now if he was going to make it through class tomorrow._

 

_“Was it a bad breakup? Have you been with a lot of people? I won't judge you, if that's what you're worried about.”_

 

_“I just told you the reason. It's not important, or relevant to our relationship. Can we drop it now?” Isak said, his voice icy. Nathan pulled away so he could sit on their bed, eyes never leaving Isak's._

 

_“You're so bad at being honest with me. You never want to talk about anything to do with your emotions. That's not good, Isak. How can we trust each other?” Nathan said, and Isak knew he'd have to give his boyfriend something now. Nathan never let things go._

 

_“Okay, fine.” Isak sighed, sitting up as well and running a hand over his tired face. “I'm not keeping a secret or something. I just...I was only ever with one other person, and we were together a long time. He ended it, right after I moved here.”_

 

_“Shit. That's rough.” Nathan said softly, running a soothing hand down Isak's arm._

 

_For some reason, the annoyance Isak felt diminished and he leaned into the touch rather than feeling like he wanted to push it away. He hadn't talked about Even in forever. Terje had tried asking him about it right after it happened, and Astrid had reached out to him without knowing they'd broken up. Jonas was always saying he was there to talk if Isak wanted, but Isak had been so busy with school._

 

_He'd thrown himself into school so he wouldn't have to feel that his heart was shattered._

 

_“I didn't see it coming. I thought...I thought things were good between us. But he called me a few months after I moved here and said he didn't want to be with me anymore.” Isak swallowed the lump that was sitting in his throat and looked up vulnerably at Nathan._

 

_“Did he say why?” Nathan asked._

 

_“No.” Isak lied, knowing he wasn't able to admit the real reason._

 

_“No wonder you're so terrible at communicating with me.” Nathan said, a soft smile on his lips. “You had your heart broken by someone you trusted. And then everything with your mom, too. You probably think everyone is going to leave, don't you?”_

 

_Isak scrunched up his nose at the way Nathan was explaining Isak's feelings, but he wasn't wrong. As pathetic as it felt to admit, Nathan's words had some truth in them. Some part of Isak was terrified of letting anyone close to him again._

 

_What was the point? Nobody wanted him permanently anyway._

 

_“I love you, Isak.” Nathan suddenly whispered, wrapping his arms around Isak._

 

_Isak started shaking almost immediately. They hadn't said this to each other yet and Isak didn't know if he felt the same. Part of him had been worried that he'd never be able to love someone again._

 

_His heart wasn't stable enough._

 

_“You don't have to say it back, but I love you and I'm here for you. You're the best person I know.” Nathan said, and Isak needed him to stop now or else he was going to cry._

 

_“Nathan, I...”_

 

_“Let's go to sleep, okay? I know you have an early morning.” Nathan said, kissing Isak gently before he could say anything else._

 

_Nathan positioned them so his head was back on Isak's chest, the lights out now and the street still buzzing with sounds of cars and horns._

 

_Isak didn't fall asleep until dawn._

**

**Isak - 27**

 

“For God's sake, Nathan. Don't make me chase you around the hospital!” Isak hollered, finally catching up to Nathan and pulling him into a corridor that didn't look too busy. A few people gave them strange looks but Isak tried to ignore them, more focused on his boyfriend.

 

“I want to be alone.” Nathan said, avoiding Isak's eyes as he caught his breath.

 

"How did you understand our conversation?" Isak asked, completly ignoring Nathan's statement.

 

Isak and Even had been speaking in Norwegian, a language Nathan apparently had no knowledge of. How the hell had he managed to figure out that Even had mentioned their past relationship?

 

"That's what we're going to focus on right now? Not the fact that you lied to me?" Nathan said angrily, glancing around briefly and self-consciously. People were still staring at them, knowing they were having some kind of dispute.

 

"Apparently you've lied to me too. Do you actually know how to speak..."

 

"Of course not, asshole." Nathan huffed, shaking his head as he looked disgustedly at Isak. "But I was planning a surprise for you, and I figured out what the word together means. And boyfriend. I also didn't need to understand your entire conversation to see how you were looking at each other."

 

"Even's blind." Isak said blankly, raising his eyebrows.

 

"Fuck you, Isak. You know what the hell I mean. You were looking at him like you'd never seen anything better. Like you couldn't have been happier."

 

Isak swallowed hard, Nathan's words bringing back memories of how his friends used to describe Isak's face when he looked at Even, back when they had been dating. Jonas used to say the same thing. Isak looked at Even like he hung the stars at night.

 

“Can you just let me explain a few things?”

 

“Explain what?” Nathan scoffed. “That your ex-boyfriend is insane? That you lied to me all this time about who Even is?”

 

“Shut the fuck up.” Isak snarled, rage spiking through his body suddenly and strong at the word 'insane'. He felt his cheeks turning red with the anger pulsing through his blood and he didn't feel bad for what he said, even when Nathan's eyes went wide and filled with tears.

 

“God, I should have known. I should have realized Even was the one.” Nathan shook his head, tears falling down his cheeks now.

 

“Even isn't insane, he's fucking sick. His mom just died and she made me Einar's guardian in the case that Even couldn't do it. How was I supposed to say no?” Isak spat, throwing his hands up.

 

“Because he's your ex, and I was coming to live with you _and_ you're just starting the next part of your career!” Nathan retaliated, shaking his head as he continued to cry. “You don't owe Even anything! Especially not after what he did to you.”

 

“You don't know anything, Nathan.”

 

“I know that you deserve to finally have closure. You deserve to have your own life. We deserve to have the life we talked about having when I first agreed to come here with you. Since I've come to Oslo, your head has been filled with fixing Even's family! As if you're still part of it. And news flash, you're not!” Nathan exploded, turning and punching the wall behind him.

 

“Goddamnit, Nathan. I'm not trying to be part of their family anymore!” Isak shouted, glancing at Nathan's knuckles that had started bleeding. “I'm trying to help. I'm trying to be there for Einar, who hasn't done anything wrong. I'm trying to fulfill Astrid's wish, just until Even gets out. I'm not adopting him or something. It's not that big of a deal.”

 

“It wasn't a big deal when I thought you were just friends.” Nathan said, quieter now. “That would have made sense. But this is just too much, Isak. This is so cruel of Even to ask this of you, to fuck with your head like this. You're the one who told me he broke your heart!”

 

Isak was fuming, vibrating with anger and sadness and absolute turmoil.

 

If it really wasn't such a big deal like he was claiming, if he really wasn't trying to get close to Even again, then why did he suddenly feel so fucking guilty?

 

Why did Nathan's words have so much truth to them?

 

“You've never fully allowed yourself to move on, Isak.” Nathan said, coming closer to Isak as he was still crying. “You were only ever half present in our life together. I had to drag so much out of you. You were so unwilling, so stuck in your head.”

 

“Don't tell me what I feel. That's not true.”

 

“It is.” Nathan sobbed. “I thought for so long that's just how you were. That maybe you didn't show your love on the outside, but it was there underneath. I convinced myself over and over again that you loved me too, that we were on the same page. But we're really not, are we?”

 

Isak felt like he was about to be broken up with and he couldn't handle that. Not over this.

 

“Nathan, I do love you. I want us to be together. I didn't expect this interruption, but it's almost over. Even will be out of the hospital soon, and back home with Einar and then it will just be us. I'll have all the time to focus on you. Please, baby.” Isak said in the softest voice he had, clutching Nathan around his arms.

 

“You could have chosen us, Isak.” Nathan said, his voice barely audible. “You could have said no to taking Einar. But you didn't. And I think that's the biggest indicator of how much you're not over Even, how much your relationship still means to you. And that you felt you had to lie to me about it too. If you were really over him, you would have told me who he is.” 

 

“I haven't seen Even in five years. We haven't been together for five years either. ” Isak tried to reason. “How could I possibly still...”

 

“Time doesn't mean anything, Issy.” Nathan said, a sad smile on his face. “We've been together for years and you don't love me at all.”

 

“That's not true.” Isak repeated, but the words were stale in his mouth. That's not true no longer meant anything at all.

 

They were bits of smoke hovering in the air, almost invisible.

 

“It is.” Nathan cried. “I wish it wasn't true, but  it is. And now I finally see it.”

 

Isak thought back to when he'd made a conscious decision to choose Nathan. He told himself he couldn't have one foot in the universe with Even and one in the universe with Nathan. He thought he'd stepped in with both feet into the world that was Nathan and him being together.

 

But as he looked at the man in front of him, and how much he was breaking Nathan's heart, he knew he'd never taken that final step. He knew he wasn't capable of it.

Because he'd never found a way to let Even go, and that wasn't fair to Nathan.

 

It took coming back to Oslo for Isak to truly see how broken he was as a person, how much he didn't have to give. He barely had enough to sustain himself.

 

“Nathan, I...”

 

“Isak, I fucking hate you.” Nathan sobbed, reaching up and kissing Isak right on the mouth. He lingered there, and Isak tried to put as much feeling into it as he could.

 

Because he knew this was a goodbye kiss.

 

“And I love you so damn much.” Nathan said as he pulled away, letting go of Isak. “I'll be out of your apartment by the time you get home.”

 

Isak was crying now too, hating that Nathan was leaving him; giving up on him, even though he had every right. Nathan was putting himself first, and Isak couldn't be angry about that.

 

“Goodbye, Isak.”

 

And without another word, Nathan walked away.

**

Isak took the elevator up to the floor he was supposed to be doing rounds on, and found his supervisor. “I can't work today. I have an emergency.”

 

His supervisor, an older woman in her late forties, eyed Isak up and down suspiciously.

 

“Is your appendix bursting?” She asked coldly.

 

“No. It's a family emergency.”

 

“Oh. Will you call if you're not back tomorrow please?” She asked, more sympathy flooding her eyes now.

 

“Yes. I will.”

 

Isak changed out of his scrubs, grabbed his bag and caught the next bus that took him back to his mother's facility.

**

“Isak, why are you here again?” Marianne asked, smiling and greeting her son with a huge hug. She was in her room today as she had been all morning; the windows open, her skin bright and her hair brushed into a tidy bun.

 

She had a nice shirt on and clean, ironed jeans.

 

Isak didn't speak. He just held onto his mom, knowing she was there and sobbed into her neck. She kept rubbing a firm hand down his back, and waited until he was ready to speak.

 

“I'm so broken, Mom.” Isak finally whispered.

 

“No, no. Isak, you're not.” Marianne said in a kind voice. She pulled away and wiped some tears off his face, bringing him over to her bed and sitting down with him.

 

“I don't know who I am anymore.” Isak said, shaking his head. “I don't know what I want or...how I go on from here. I thought I knew what my life was, but...everything is so empty.”

 

Isak didn't know how to stop loving Even.

 

He didn't know how to focus on being a doctor anymore. He couldn't submerge himself only in his job and block out everything else now that he was back in Oslo. 

 

He didn't know how to reconnect with his friends, with Lea. With his father.

 

And he thought he had Nathan but he'd wasted three years of Nathan's life, pretending he loved him because he wanted to believe he did. He wanted to know Even hadn't ruined him. Isak didn't want to be ruined. It all sounded so pathetic – that one person could have that much impact on Isak's life.

 

He didn't know how to have a life again, one that he was passionate about. It's like he had been living in a world that was de-saturated, everything numb.

 

How did he see colour again, feel as deeply as he once had?

 

How did he stop being a shadow of who he used to be?

 

“Isak, you'll figure it out.” Marianne said, clasping Isak's hand in her own. “Just take it one day at a time.”

 

“You don't understand. I've ruined things with Nathan.”

 

“Your...boyfriend?” Marianne tried, and Isak nodded. “What happened?”

 

“He finally figured out I don't love him.” Isak said, looking at the floor.

 

“Oh, Isak.”

 

“I don't want him to leave, but I...I'm fucking selfish if I ask him to stay. It will all just be a stupid lie. He deserves someone who will love him properly.”

 

Marianne didn't speak for a few minutes, looking as if she was choosing her next words wisely. Eventually she got up and grabbed some tissue for Isak, bringing it over and sitting back down.

 

“You never got over Even, did you?” She finally said, and Isak swallowed thickly; suddenly hyper-aware of how sore his muscles felt, like he had been clenching all of them continuously for the past two hours.

 

He tried to relax his shoulders but he kept softly shaking.

 

“Sometimes, a person can have so much hold of your heart that it feels like you can't ever be without them. The world stops moving if they're not with you.”

 

Isak kept his eyes focused on Marianne's face, where a soft smile had appeared.

 

“But, it's always possible to let someone go. It just takes effort. It takes conscious thought on your part. You have to tell yourself that you have a life separate from this person. You are okay on your own – without them. They are not the reason that you live and breathe. You are the reason.”

 

Isak hesitated before saying, “It's been five years, Mom. Until three weeks ago, I hadn't spoken to him. I hadn't been next to him. How can he still have this hold on me?”

 

“Because you haven't let yourself let him go. You haven't focused on you.”

 

“All I've done is focus on me. I went to school. I worked. I'm literally in my profession that I dreamed about forever and...”

 

“That's your job, Isak. Your job isn't you.” Marianne interrupted.

 

“My job is all I fucking have.”

“Exactly.” Marianne exclaimed, nodding. “You let your job consume you. But it wasn't about you, it was about distraction. That is an entirely different thing. Perhaps...Nathan was a distraction as well?”

 

“Fuck.” Isak cried, tears in his eyes again. He hated how much truth was in his mother's words. He hated that he'd let things get this far.

 

He hated that he'd hurt Nathan.

 

“Sweetheart,” Marianne sighed, pulling Isak into another hug. “You're going to figure it out. You're going to be okay. Just...start at the beginning. Find yourself again before you find the person that's right for you, who is part of your life but not your whole life.”

 

Isak thought back to all the years he'd spent with Even. They had been like that before. They loved each other, but it wasn't all they had. They had hobbies and friends and school; they'd traveled together and laughed and helped each other through difficult times.

 

Isak had known who he was. They'd grown together as people.

 

But Even had severed that tie to each other. He'd decided to end it without Isak making a decision to do it too. And ever since then, Isak hadn't been able to focus on himself because he didn't know how the world worked without Even.

 

He found that he didn't know how to be _Isak,_ without being a part of _Isak-and-Even_.

 

Did he now give himself time to figure out who he was and then move on with someone else – someone he actually loved, unlike Nathan? Was it possible to actually let Even, and their life together, go?

 

Or did Isak want to find that balance again? Where he was Isak but also part of Isak-and-Even?

 

Did Even actually want to be together again? For all Isak knew, Even had a boyfriend.

 

And the hardest question of all, one that Isak honestly didn't know if he'd be able to answer: if Even did want to be together again, could he ever forgive Even, and trust him again? 

 

“You have time, Isak. Let yourself have time.” Marianne said, putting her hands on either side of Isak's face and kissing his forehead.

 

“What would I have done if you didn't recognize me, huh? Who would have given me all this heartfelt advice?” Isak asked, chuckling and trying to lighten the mood. He didn't think he could handle anything else anymore.

 

Marianne laughed too. “I'm not sure. But I'm glad I do recognize you. I missed you, Isak.”

 

“I missed you too.”

 

There was suddenly movement from the doorway and a gentle knock came a second later. Isak turned and felt his eyes go wide when he saw Lea standing there, tears in her big eyes.

 

“Do you recognize me too?”

 

 

 

 


	13. Martin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a day late, sorry! I had a huge migraine last night and wasn't able to post. 
> 
> Even POV.

**Sunday, 13:04**  
**Even - 29**  
  
Even heard Einar come back into the room about twenty seconds after Isak had gone after Nathan. Even hung his head and sighed.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Nathan just realized me and Isak were together."  
  
"Oh, shit."  
  
Even didn't understand how Nathan had figured it out, because apparently he knew less Norwegian than a newborn baby. But somehow he'd picked up on their conversation.  
  
Guilt sat thickly in Even's throat.  
  
"Is...Nathan taking me back then, or should I just take the tram?" Einar asked, uneasiness in his voice.  
  
"I think the tram would be best. I doubt Nathan is coming back here." Even said honestly, wondering how Nathan would take it.  
  
It was the first time Even had really thought about how much Isak had done for Even and his family - and how unusual that was considering Isak was his ex. Isak had come to his mother's funeral, stood up for Even with his father, and had taken Einar in without hesitation.  
  
If Even had been dating someone who did that for their ex, he might have a few doubts that the person truly cared for him and not their ex.  
  
But Isak couldn't care about Even anymore, at least not romantically. If anything, Isak probably felt sorry for Even and he'd always had a soft spot for Einar. Isak was also a nicer person than a lot of people, and had a kind heart. But Nathan probably didn't see that. All he saw was that Isak was doing it for his ex.  
  
Fuck. Even had put Isak in such a shitty situation, and if their relationship ended because of Even, he could forget entirely about any friendship in the future.  
  
Isak would hate him even more.  
  
"I kind of...don't want to go back to Isak's tonight. They're just going to be fighting." Einar said, his voice quiet. Even reached for his brothers hand and laced their fingers together.  
  
"I'm sorry, bud. Maybe you could stay at Sonja's for the night? I can text her."  
  
"But...Isak will just worry. And probably won't like it."  
  
"He won't be mad at you, buddy. He's upset about something that has nothing to do with you and has he ever taken his anger out on you?"  
  
"No." Einar said immediately, and then huffed out a frustrated breath. "I just...I don't want him to be alone either, even if I'm going to hear fighting."  
  
"It might be good to let Isak and Nathan have a night alone. It'll be like a sleepover, and you can go back tomorrow night." Even suggested, hating how torn Einar felt.  
  
After a few minutes of silence, Einar let go of Even's hand. "Okay. I'll have to go back to the apartment and get my school stuff and clothes. Can you...text Isak and tell him?"  
  
"Yeah, I can. Why don't you stay a bit longer then? No need to rush back." Even asked, smiling in Einar's direction.  
  
"Okay." Einar said, a hint of a smile in his voice. "We could watch a movie."  
  
**  
  
**Sunday, 16:37**  
  
Einar had been gone only about fifteen minutes when Even got his phone out to text Sonja and Isak.  
  
Even: _Can Einar stay with you tonight?_  
  
Even: _Hi Isak. I wanted to let you know that Einar is going to be at Sonja's tonight. I wanted you and Nathan to have some space._  
  
Even sent the message to Isak like he normally did with his phone reading out everything he typed so he knew where each button was, trying his best to be quiet. His roommate had come back from his family visitation as well and was lying down to rest.  
  
His phone buzzed with a new message sound only a few minutes later, and Even opened his phone.  
  
_"You have one new message from Isak."_  
  
Even pressed the button that said, "read message" and Siri's voice was robotically reading the words a second later.  
  
Isak: _Nathan is gone, so Einar can come back here. I'd like the company._  
  
Even's heart sank and he thought of what to reply. But what could he say? 'Sorry' felt like it would just be meaningless. Even felt like he owed Isak a million 'sorrys.'  
  
Before Even could begin typing anything, he got another message.  
  
Isak: _Í'm not angry at you, btw. It's my fault I never told him the truth. I think it's a good thing that he's going back to New York._  
  
Oh.  
  
Even frowned, again hesitating. What could he say to that?  
  
"Sounds like your boyfriend is newly single." Even's roommate suddenly said, making Even drop his phone in his lap.  
  
"Um," Even stuttered, chuckling a little. "How can he be my boyfriend but also newly single?"  
  
"You tell me." The old man said, sitting up in his bed. Even could tell because the mattress squeaked at any small movement and it clanged against the wall whenever someone sat against the headboard.  
  
"He's...my ex-boyfriend." Even clarified, turning himself in the direction of the older man, Martin, who had the same disease as him.  
  
They hadn't been able to have much conversation since Even had been placed with him. Martin seemed to have dementia and was bipolar. Not a good combination for staying grounded in reality.  
  
Even swallowed thickly, hoping that this wasn't going to be his future. Raving about aliens and the end of the world inside a ward as an old man, lost in his own mind.  
  
"Ah. Well, the way you talk about him makes it seem like he's actually your boyfriend and not an ex." Martin said, laughing hoarsely a second later. Even remembered that the man had come down with a bad cold and had lost his voice for the past few days. Seems like it was finally clearing up.  
  
"You've heard me talk about him?"  
  
And you remember? Even couldn't help but think.  
  
"Yeah. To nurses and on the phone. The place isn't all that big, you know." Martin explained, sighing.  
  
"I thought maybe you were following me. That's not fair considering I'm blind, man." Even joked, but he wasn't entirely kidding. If this man had been following him, he wouldn't know about it. And Martin didn't have very many days of lucidity, so who knew what he was capable of.  
  
"Ha, you're a funny one." Martin said, again laughing and then sending himself into a coughing fit. "You remind me of myself when I was young."  
  
"Yeah? Were you also blonde and really tall?"  
  
"I was tall, and also completely in love with someone who I thought was too good for me." Martin said, his voice sullen now.  
  
Even didn't answer, his throat too tight. He caught himself hoping again that this wasn't going to be his future; that his brain wouldn't entirely abandon him and leave him incapable of taking care of himself.  
  
Who would want that?  
  
"I know you must know why I'm here, and I bet that scares you, huh?" Martin asked, and Even heard him sit up; his feet hitting the floor.  
  
"Uh," Even shook his head, wanting to deny it.  
  
"It's okay, I won't be offended." Martin continued, standing up and walking over to sit next to Even. The younger man shifted over, feeling uncomfortable suddenly. Martin hadn't ever talked to him this much before and he didn't know what he wanted.  
  
"Being bipolar is hard enough without the dementia. I get that you'd be scared of it happening to you."  
  
"I...guess so." Even admitted, his head turned away from Martin but he was hyper-aware of how close they were sitting - how tall Martin actually was. Their shoulders were touching.  
  
"I bet you think that being bipolar makes you a burden. And being blind as well. Hell of a combination, huh?" Martin asked, his tone light and meant to be joking but the truth behind the words was all too real.  
  
"Yeah. I do."  
  
"Well, I reckon you should cut that shit out right now, Even." Martin whispered, and suddenly Even felt Martin's hand take his own and nestle it between both of his. The gesture was comforting and very kind, and Even found himself relaxing and leaning into Martin instead of wanting to pull away.  
  
"My wife married me knowing full well what was up with me. She'd seen all the worst of it, and she still insisted on marrying me. I couldn't hold a job for a long while. I couldn't be alone, at least for one really bad year. And fuck, I felt guilty for a really long time." Martin continued. "I tried telling her that I couldn't be a good father. I couldn't take care of myself let alone a baby, but she asked me if I wanted kids. She was always asking me that. 'What do you want Martin?'"  
  
Even smiled, imagining Martin's wife as someone he'd love to have as a grandmother.  
  
"I did want kids. I wanted a family, and I sure as hell knew I loved and wanted her. So, we had kids. Two boys and a girl. They were here earlier."  
  
Even nodded, listening intently.  
  
"I got dementia earlier than a lot of people do. Around sixty. I forgot where my keys were, where my house was. I couldn't drive. Couldn't make meals for myself. My kids, who were in college, came home to help me. I told them not to, but they did because they loved me. My wife hardly left my side, and I thought...why are you still here? Why don't you leave me for someone who isn't this huge...waste of time?"  
  
Even found himself crying suddenly and uncontrollably. Martin tightened his grip on Even's hands and shushed him.  
  
"But, to them...I wasn't a waste of time. I wasn't a burden. I was their husband and father, and friend. I was...so much more than I thought I was. I was someone they wanted to stay with, not someone who didn't need me."  
  
"Martin, I..." Even sobbed, his hands longing to feel Isak. To see him - to tell him he was so fucking sorry for what he'd done. "I left Isak because I didn't want him to stay with me. I thought...that I would just ruin his life."  
  
"This is why I'm telling you this, Even. I want you to know this because god knows I might not be able to tell you at any other time. My mind is so...busy lately. I wrote your name down a bunch of times in my journal to try and make myself remember what I wanted to tell you. I finally got a second's pause to say this." Martin sighed, sounding remorseful.  
  
Even wiped his tears as they continued to fall.  
  
"No matter what you think makes you hard to love...no matter what you think of yourself...please remember that it's not necessarily the truth. The people who say they love you actually do. The people who want to be in your life will be. Just...don't push them away because you don't want to burden them. Don't keep doing that to yourself because you deserve more than that, okay? I wish I had known that for more of my own life." Martin said, and he reached up to place a small kiss on Even's hair line.  
  
They stayed like that for a few long minutes, Martin humming something under his breath. Even closed his eyes and tried to take in everything Martin had said, overwhelmed with the truth of it.  
  
Martin's family hadn't given up on him. Martin had children and a family - a wife who clearly loved him endlessly. Loved him like Isak had loved Even. Loved him like Einar and Astrid, Sonja and Jonas, Sana and Magnus and Mahdi loved Even.  
  
Even was surrounded by love - always had been.  
  
And he felt more worthy of that love than he had for years.  
  
"Well, I'm off to work my love." Martin suddenly said cheerfully, standind up. "I'll see you around five o'clock. Tell the kids I'm picking up that cake for dessert."  
  
Even felt stunned for a few seconds at how quickly Martin's dementia had come back, reality completely gone. But he cleared his throat and managed to declare "have a nice day."  
  
Martin whistled as he walked out the room and down the hallway, leaving Even alone again.  
  
Even clicked around on his phone and opened the conversation with Sonja before typing, Nevermind. Einar is going back to Isak's. I'll explain tomorrow. xo  
  
Then, he opened the conversation with Isak and rather than pressing 'message' he pressed 'call.'  
  
"Uh, hello?" Isak answered after the fourth ring, sounding hesitant.  
  
"Hi, Isak."  
  
"Einar just got home and said he's going to Sonja's. Is that still happening?" Isak asked, and Even heard Einar whisper something in the background.  
  
"Actually, I just messaged Sonja that he was going back with you since you said you needed some company. Can you tell him that?" Even asked politely, his voice surprisingly level for how hard he was shaking.  
  
"Sure. I can do that."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Is there...anything else?" Isak asked slowly.  
  
Even sat up a little bit straighter and tried not to lose his nerve. He knew what he wanted to tell Isak, but he just hoped Isak wouldn't hang up on him.  
  
"Isak, I...I'm sorry about Nathan. I'm sorry that he's leaving and that it didn't work out."  
  
"Even, I told you that..."  
  
"I know." Even cut in, shaking his head. "I know you don't think it's my fault. But...I know a lot of things are my fault. I know the past five years have been my fault, and I just...I need you know that I'm really, really sorry."  
  
Isak was silent on the other line, but hadn't hung up. Even pressed forward.  
  
"It was selfish of me to break up with you and not tell you the real reason. It was selfish of me to push you away and not let you make up your own mind. It's the worst mistake I've ever made, and I've done nothing but regret it since I called you that day."  
  
Isak made some small sound over the phone and Even paused, wondering if he was going to speak. But he didn't.  
  
"I've missed you so much. I don't even think you can imagine. You were...my world, and what we made together was everything to me. I never stopped loving you, not for one second...and I just...I need you to know that. I need you to know the truth. I told you the truth when I was manic, but I wanted you to hear it from me now. Clear headed, getting better."  
  
"Even, I..." Isak choked, clearly crying now and Even wished he could hold Isak and take away all the hurt. But he couldn't.  
  
The hurt was too great.  
  
"I don't expect you to forgive me, Isak. I won't ask you to, either. But...I...I've always wanted you. And I always will. As a partner, a friend...an aquaintance. If you want anything from me, I'm here for it. And I will spend my entire life trying to make this up to you. I will wait as long as you need. I'll wait forever. And I won't hold it against you one bit if you don't want anything at all. I just...I want you to be happy, Issy."  
  
Even's voice cracked as he said the nickname, and he heard Isak's sharp intake of breath.  
  
"If being happy means you need to cut me out, then that's fine. But...I just wanted you know that I'm here if you do want anything. On your terms."  
  
"Even, _please_ stop. It hurts too much." Isak said, whispering now - probably not wanting Einar to hear him.  
  
Even bit down hard on his bottom lip, obeying Isak's request even though he could have said how much he loved Isak for hours - for years.  
  
"I...I need time. I need to figure a lot of things out, okay?" Isak said, a hint of frustration in his voice. "I can't just see you like we used to, and get coffee or dinner or something. We can't be...friends right now. As much as I..."  
  
Isak paused, and Even waited.  
  
"As much as I might want to."  
  
Even couldn't help it. He broke out into a giant grin.  
  
"Okay." Even said. "I understand."  
  
"There's so much you don't understand, Even." Isak stated. "There's so much that I...that I don't know if I can forgive."  
  
Even stayed silent, afraid of what he might say. He waited like he said he would. He didn't push. He let Isak think about what he wanted to say next.  
  
"I'm going to make dinner for me and Einar now. Just...I heard you okay? I just need time."  
  
"Okay, Isak."  
  
"Okay...Bye, Even." Isak said, sounding like he didn't actually want to hang up. But maybe that was Even's wishful thinking.  
  
"Bye, Isak."  



	14. Bubble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late again, sorry!! 
> 
> Isak POV

**Isak - 27**   
**2 weeks later**

 

"Isak?" Einar's voice came from behind the door and Isak flinched a little. He'd been sitting on his bed for the past ten minutes in just his towel, willing himself to get dressed. His hair was still damp from the shower.

 

"What's up buddy?" Isak called, standing up and reaching for his scrubs that he'd just washed last night. It was too early in the morning for Einar to be up yet. He still had another hour of sleep before he was off to school.

 

"Um, when you have a minute I just need to tell you something."

 

Isak frowned at the seriousness of Einar's tone and he quickly got dressed properly, rubbing the remaining water from his hair with his towel before opening the door. Einar was standing there looking nervous, still in his pajamas and holding his cell phone.

 

"Are you all right?" Isak asked.

 

Einar suddenly thrust his phone at Isak and he could see an open email on Einar's account. Einar continued to stay quiet, eyes cast to the floor and Isak began to read the email.

 

_Einar,_

_I think we both know that Even is unfit to care for you. I'm very sorry about your mother's passing and that we haven't spoken in several years, but you're still my son and I love you very much. I'm offering to take you in until you're old enough to be on your own. You would have your own room in my house, with lots of privacy. I think Even needs to figure out his own life and not affect yours anymore in the way I'm sure he has been. My number is at the end of the email. Please consider my offer and call me. I'm only thinking of your safety._

_Dad_

 

Isak refrained from throwing the phone against the wall, and handed it back to Einar. The younger boy bit down on his bottom lip and cast a look at Isak.

 

"Einar, I'm not mad at you. Can you stop looking like I'm about to kick you?" Isak said softly, still baffled by how timid Einar was around him.

 

Isak wasn't mad at Einar. He was furious at Emmett.

 

Who the hell did he think he was? Why was he messing with Einar's head like this?

 

Isak had a feeling Einar didn't know how to not be timid. He imagined that Einar had been on edge since Astrid had been sick, since Even had tried to do everything; since Even had taken on too much responsibility. Isak didn't blame Even - not really. But it was inevitable that Einar didn't get the proper attention he craved, the comfort that Even was likely too stretched thin to give at all the moments Einar needed it.

 

Isak wrapped an arm around Einar's shoulders and pulled him close.

 

"I...don't want to go with him, Isak." Einar whispered, bringing his arms up to cling to Isak. They stood in the hallway for a few minutes, just hugging.

 

"That's all right, Einar. You don't have to. Your dad doesn't have any rights. He can't make you go."

 

"Why is he doing this?" Einar asked, and Isak realized he was crying.

 

"I don't know, bud. But it's wrong of him. I'm sorry he's doing this."

 

"How did he get my email? I never gave it to him."

 

"Let's not worry about him anymore, all right? Let's focus on the good things that are happening today." Isak smiled, pulling away from Einar and reaching out to wipe the tears off the boy's face.

 

"Okay." Einar sniffed, and then also smiled. "I can't believe Even's coming home."

 

"I know. I'm excited for you both." Isak said honestly, turning on his heel and leading Einar into the kitchen. "Since you're already up, why don't we go out for breakfast before I go to work and before you go to school? Text Lea too."

 

Einar's face lit up. "Really?"

 

"Yeah, of course. We should celebrate."

 

"Thanks, Isak. Give me ten minutes and I'll be ready." Einar dashed back to his room in excitement and Isak chuckled after him.

 

Isak was really happy that Einar would be going back home with Even. He was glad Even had been able to stay on his meds, clear headed and focused. He knew Even must be excited to get back home too - back to Einar.

 

But Isak could admit that he was going to miss Einar. His apartment was going to feel really empty when the teen was gone. Einar was staggeringly good company for someone so young and around the age that was usually full of hormone induced rages.

 

Isak was determined not to let Emmett take away the happiness of this day, but he took out his phone and looked at the email again. He had forwarded it to himself when he'd read it, and he put Emmett's number in his phone.

 

Isak began texting before he could talk himself out of it.

 

_Hi Dad,_

_Can we meet up and talk about stuff? Tomorrow at KB near the hospital at 12?_

_Einar_

 

Isak smirked, imagining the stunned look on the bastard's face when it was Isak who sat down and not his son. He pocketed his phone, grabbed his keys and headed out the door with Einar by his side.

 

**

 

"I'm off work at eight. It's a longer shift today. I'll meet you back at my place, we'll get your stuff and head to Even's okay?" Isak asked, waiting beside Einar for the tram. Lea was next to Einar, her arm looped through his and she was biting her nails.

 

"Okay." Einar beamed, a bit of syrup from their breakfast still clinging to his cheek.

 

"I'm seeing Mom after school today, Issy." Lea announced, just as the tram pulled up. Isak put his arm around his sister and then Einar, squeezing them tightly against his own body in a group hug.

 

"Tell her I say hi." Isak said, smiling before he waved to them. "Don't be late for school!" He called, just as the doors closed. Both his sisiter and Einar rolled their eyes at him before laughing and turning around to walk to Nissen.

 

**

 

On his lunch break, Isak sat down with a sigh and pulled out his phone. His eyes widened as he realized he had a message from Even.

 

Even: _Einar says you're off at eight. Any chance of me coming to get him before that? I'm so excited to see him, and I'm already home now with Hux._

 

Isak's shoulders drooped as he read the message.

 

Even's request made sense. It had been a long time since Even had been home with Einar, and Isak imagined he wanted to settle back in. Einar was done school earlier than eight, and he was old enough that he didn't need Isak to bring him home. He was capable of doing that on his own.

 

Isak had to admit he was being selfish. He'd been sort of looking forward to bringing Einar home and seeing Even again. Seeing Huxley. They'd raised that dog together. He'd felt as much Isak's as he did Even's, and Isak missed him a lot.

 

He missed Even a lot too.

 

Isak shook his head, trying to stay grounded in reality.

 

Isak: _Sure, that's fine. Einar has a key._

 

Isak put his phone away and tried to eat his sandwich, knowing he was hungry. He'd been hectically busy all morning. But the food felt too dry in his mouth. It was tough to swallow and made him wince as he did. After three bites, he gave up and settled for drinking his smoothie. That counted as a meal, right?

 

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached for it.

 

Even: _Do you want to come over after your shift? We could have a late dinner._

 

_Fuck._

 

_Yes_ , was Isak's immediate reaction. Of course he wanted to. But his brain and his heart were battling against each other, and he honestly didn't know which was going to be the victor. 

 

Even: _I can invite other people, if that helps. Jonas (and family), Sonja, Mahdi, Sana and Magnus?_

 

Isak smiled to himself and started typing a reply.

 

Isak: _That sounds good. :) should I bring something?_

 

Even: _Just yourself ;)_

 

"Isak, we need you back early in emergency." A fellow resident said, poking her head around the corner and looking panicked.

 

"Okay. I'm coming." Isak said, standing up and throwing his stuff back in his locker.

 

**

 

Isak was sweating by the time he reached Even's house. He was holding some snacks because he felt weird coming to dinner empty-handed, and he hoped that he smelled all right. He'd been running around all day and had only managed to shower at work with limited body wash.

 

He rang the doorbell and waited.

 

"Isak!"

 

Sonja had wrapped her arms around Isak and pulled him into a tight hug before he even had a chance to say hello back. But he chuckled and reached up, returning the hug with equal enthusiasm.

 

"Hi, Sonja."

 

She pulled back and placed a kiss on his cheek, grabbing the bag of snacks from him. "Everyone's in the living room. Come on."

 

Isak walked behind her, hearing laughter from further inside the house. There was a smell of spices in the air and Isak's stomach grumbled. He hadn't had time to try and eat anything else since about one in the afternoon, and he was starving now.

 

When he walked into the living room, Even and Einar were sitting together on the couch with Huxley between them, while Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas took up the larger couch; knees pressed together. Sana and Eva were on the floor playing with Eva.

 

Isak paused, taking in the scene before everyone turned their heads and noticed him. He thought suddenly that he wished he could take a picture and hang it on his wall. He wanted to show off how perfect his family was, how much all the people in this room meant to him.

 

Isak flushed at how his brain worked - wondering where the hell that thought had come from - just as everyone turned and greeted him, a range of "Isak!" and "Hey!" and "Come in!" shouted through the room.

 

Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus all got up and pulled Isak into a group hug. Isak laughed, once again returning the gesture were fervor as he realized he hadn't seen his friends since Astrid's funeral. Why hadn't he called to make plans with them? Why did he let himself forget that he had people who wanted to spend time with him?

 

Einar was next in the hugging procession, barrelling into Isak like the unco-orindated teenager he was. He was beaming, so obviously happy to be back home. Isak wrapped an arm around Einar's shoulders and was just about to ask how he was liking being home, when Isak felt a wet nose against his other hand.

 

Staring up at Isak with great, big chocolate brown eyes was Huxley. His golden tail was shaking back and forth and he was making a high-pitched sound - one Isak recognised as excitement.

 

Isak felt a rush of tears come to his eyes as he bent down to greet the dog - petting his forehead and then pulling Huxley into his chest the way he always used to. Isak didn't remember seeing Huxley at the funeral. Too much was happening in his head that day, too many things to process. Isak hadn't remembered how much this dog had meant to him, how Huxley used to curl up at his feet as he studied, or placed his head on Isak's lap whenever he was upset. How most mornings Huxley had wedged himself between Isak and Even on the bed and was kissing one of their faces until someone got up to feed him and take him outside.

 

"Hi, buddy." Isak whispered, embarrassed by how his voice cracked, how he was crying. Huxley licked the tears off his cheeks and Isak laughed. "You remember me then, huh?"

Huxley barked softly, as if answering the question, and then put his head on Isak's knee. It just made Isak cry a little bit harder and he leaned over to kiss Huxley's soft fur. "I missed you too, sweetheart."

 

The room was quiet now and Isak realized everyone was probably staring at him. He wiped his tears and stood back up, sheepishly looking around. Everyone was looking at him, just as he thought, but everyone had a smile on their face. Everyone looked so happy that Isak was here that Isak felt like crying all over again.

 

Especially when he saw how wide Even was smiling - his whole face lit up. It was his most beautiful smile - the one that came out when Even was genuinely, one hundred percent happy about something. Isak could picture some of the moments when Even had smiled like that.

 

When Huxley first came home.

 

When they found their first apartment together.

 

When Einar graduated from elementary school.

 

When Isak tickled Lea.

 

When Even said he loved Isak. When Isak said he loved Even.

 

"Let's go sit and have some dinner." Sonja said, motioning to the dining room. "I've been helping make this meal all evening and I'm sick of smelling it but not eating it."

 

Even threw his head back and laughed. "All right, all right. Let's go. Isak, want to help me bring in the drinks?"

 

Isak watched as Even held out his arm in Isak's direction, waiting for him to come over and touch his hand. It was something they had done a lot while together, whenever they did things as a team like hosting dinner parties or making food. They often linked arms to go somewhere so they got there at the same time, so Isak could steer Even in unfamiliar places or direct him to where Isak had put things on tables or counters.

 

It was so natural a thing that belonged to them that Isak was by Even's side in about three seconds, hand over Even's, before he even processed what he was doing; what it meant.

 

When their fingers interlocked, they both froze.

 

"Oh, I..." Even began, looking stunned. "Sorry, I didn't mean..."

 

"It's okay." Isak rushed to say, walking towards the kitchen with Even anyway. "I can help with drinks."

 

Everyone else was sitting down and then waiting, food already on the table, and nobody else had seemed to notice what was happening between Isak and Even. Nobody else could tell that both their heart rates had picked up, that they just stood next to the counter where all the glasses and beverages were, both still not knowing what to do.

 

Both still holding the other's hand.

 

"I guess we should...bring out the drinks." Isak tried, staring down at the glasses that were sparkling under the bright kitchen lights.

 

"Yeah." Even nodded, swallowing hard.

 

His face was turned towards Isak's, his eyes moving like he was looking right at him. Isak could feel Even's heart beat in his thumb that was on top of Isak's and it was fluttering like a hummingbird's wings. Isak kept telling himself to let go. To get the drinks. To wake the fuck up and get on with the night. To celebrate Even's return.

 

To be sensible.

 

But he was so far from sense. He didn't even know what the word meant.

 

"I'm glad you're home." Isak whispered, and despite what his brain was telling him, he moved closer to Even. He moved until he could smell Even's cologne, the laundry detergent on his shirt. He barely breathed as he reached with his other hand until he was touching Even's cheek, brushing the soft skin along his jaw.

 

He remembered all the times the pair of them had stood in this very kitchen, sneaking kisses as Astrid and Einar waited for dinner. Or how they hugged each other from behind whenever one of them was doing the dishes. Isak liked to kiss the back of Even's neck as his hands were in the soapy, warm water; feeling the taller boy shudder as Isak whispered what he wanted to do when Even was finished.

 

Isak remembered the smell of Even's cologne all too well, how it always got onto Isak's clothes since they shared their wardrobes so much. Isak's shirt was Even's shirt, and Isak's socks were Even's socks. Their clothes tumbled around in the same washing machine together, the same dryer. Everything was intertwined. Every scent of each other co-mingling in their shared space, their home.

 

Since coming back to Oslo, Isak hadn't felt this much at home until right at this moment; standing in this kitchen, with this man, with all the smells that currently surrounded him.

 

"Isak, what..." Even began, but Isak shook his head.

 

"I don't know, Even. God, I don't fucking know."

 

Isak put his face into Even's neck and placed a soft kiss there, his hand now tangled in Even's long hair. Their hands were still together on one side of their bodies, but their other hands were now touching; roaming against shoulders and necks, cheeks and hair.

 

Isak shivered as Even leaned in and also placed a kiss on Isak's neck, right next to where his heart was pounding.

 

"I want..." Even once again began, but didn't finish his sentence. He sounded strained, like he didn't know if he was allowed to finish his sentence. Isak probably shouldn't let him finish his sentence; he should probably stop all of this right now.

 

Isak was still angry that Even had taken his choice away. He was so fucking mad that Even had separated them - stolen all this time.

 

But Isak also didn't want to stop this.

 

He didn't want to stop seeing.

 

"I want to do this." Even said, braver this time. He pulled away from Isak's neck, held Isak's chin securely before diving in to capture Isak's lips in a kiss.

 

Isak was so unprepared for it - the wave of want that rushed through every part of his body. He didn't know how eager he would be to return the kiss, how he tried to pull Even closer when they were already as close as they could be. He couldn't have anticipated how wantonly he moaned against Even's mouth, how he opened his own mouth wider so Even could plunge his tongue inside.

 

Isak was dizzy with how fast it was all going, and how badly he didn't want it to stop.

 

But then Even pulled away and buried his face back in Isak's shoulder.

 

"We have to stop."

 

"No, _please_ , I..."

 

"Issy," Even interrupted, unlocking their fingers and pulling Isak into a tight yet gentle embrace, cradling Isak in his long arms. "There's people here. We...can't."

 

Isak let out a long breath, trying to calm down. Trying to tame the raging storm inside himself that just wanted to push further into Even's body, take and take in all the ways he possibly could. Isak tried to ignore how much he wanted to be lying down with Even, wrapped up in warm blankets that smelled exactly how Even's shirt did right now.

 

"Okay." Isak whispered, making himself pull away; detangling their upper bodies and turning back towards the drinks.

 

They weren't touching at all anymore.

 

"Let's do this."

 

**

 

Isak tried to ignore what they had just allowed to happen - what he had allowed to happen - all through dinner. He made himself focus on Jonas gushing over Sara, a chubby-cheeked toddler who laughed at everything and made grabby hands at Jonas and Eva every chance she got.

 

He listened to Mahdi and Magnus catch him up on their lives, Magnus never shutting up about how proud he was of Vilde, who had become a teacher.

 

Sana was married to Yousef now and was still as sassy and bad-ass as ever. She kept rolling her eyes at Vilde and Magnus being vomit-inducing cheesy - something that hadn't changed since Nissen - and then smirking at Isak.

 

Sonja was also her same, chatter-box self. She sat right beside Even and kept motioning to him whenever she talked about various stories the pair of them were involved in, like how her car kept breaking down when Even was in it. He was officially a bad luck charm and she tried to avoid driving anywhere with him anymore.

 

"Remember when the tow-truck driver was giving you a hard time about not knowing how to change a tire?" Sonja laughed, smiling brightly at her best friend.

 

"Sonja said he couldn't believe a guy my age didn't know how to change a tire. Then she said that she was sure I would be able to if I could see the actual tire." Even added, and then Sonja mimicked the man's face of shock when he learned the truth.

 

"It was hilarious. He didn't even charge me for the tow."

 

Isak laughed during the entire meal. He nearly choked a few times too because he was eating, everything extrememly delicious. He had two servings of everything and dessert. By the end of it, when Jonas and Eva left because Sara needed to be in bed, Isak was stuffed and feeling rather sleepy. He hugged Jonas goodbye and agreed to come over to their house next week for another dinner.

 

Isak knew what he'd done with Even needed to be addressed. He knew that once he thought it through he would probably be angry with himself because he didn't know what he wanted yet with Even. He didn't want to make Even think they were suddenly together again.

 

But as he sat with Huxley on his lap, Einar next to him and starting a board game with his other friends, he found that he didn't want to over-analyze it right now. He wanted to stay in the bubble that this night was providing; a safe, warm, familiar bubble that Isak really didn't want to ever burst.

 

**

 

"Thanks for coming." Even said, walking Isak to the door.

 

Everyone else had already left and Einar had fallen asleep on the couch.

 

"Thanks for inviting me."

 

Isak put his shoes on, and his coat and turned towards Even. Both their cheeks were red from laughing and how warm the house had gotten from all the people. Isak found himself struggling to keep his eyes open. He was ready to crash.

 

"Isak, I'm not expecting anything." Even said, leaning against the doorway.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"What happened earlier. I'm not expecting that it means something."

 

"Oh." Isak nodded, relief washing through him.

 

"Yeah. Just in case you were...thinking about it."

 

"Of course I'm thinking about it, Even." Isak admitted, his words breathier than he meant for them to. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, swaying on his feet. He was trying not to get hard thinking about it, how he wanted to do it again.

 

How he didn't want to stop this time.

 

"Me too. You're kind of all I think about."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"And well, you know. Staying well. That's important too." Even smiled, and Isak smiled back.

 

"I'm glad that you're well. You've...done a good job."

 

"Thanks."

 

A moment of silence passed between them before Isak realized he needed to go. He had to work again in the morning and he really needed sleep, even if the idea of going back to his empty apartment wasn't all that appealing.

 

"Get home safe." Even sighed, biting his bottom lip.

 

"I will. Bye, Even."

 

"Bye, Isak."

 

**

 

**KB**   
**Noon - the next day**

 

Emmett was sitting at a table, tapping his foot against the floor. Isak smirked as he walked in, knowing the older man couldn't see him because his back was facing Isak.

 

Isak ordered a coffee because he needed it and strolled over to the table, plunking himself down in the opposite seat and grinning widely at a very stunned-looking Emmett.

 

"Hey, asshole. Remember me?" 


	15. Late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. 
> 
> I'm so sorry it's been a long time. I wanted to keep updating on Wednesdays, but honestly life has really been shitty the last month or so and I haven't had time or energy. I will keep updating, I'm just not entirely sure when it will be. Thanks for sticking by this story. I will see it to the end :) 
> 
> Alt er love <3

**Even - 29**

 

Isak was standing in the kitchen again, nuzzling into Even’s neck with his arms around Even’s waist. He was whispering something Even couldn’t quite make out and he struggled to understand, but then Isak just let out a small whimpering sound and stopped talking altogether.

 

“Isak, baby, what is it?” Even whispered, trying to touch Isak’s face. But Isak just stayed hidden, breathing in the smell of Even’s cologne.

 

All Even could do was run his hands through Isak’s soft hair.

 

“Why did you come back here?” Even tried, unable to help the way he pushed his hips into Isak’s, wanting Isak to know how much he wanted him.

 

How much he’d never stop wanting him.

 

“Because I love you, Evy.” Isak said, suddenly pulling his face away and diving in to connect their lips, gasping as he kissed Even.

 

Even responded immediately, moaning as Isak licked into his mouth, wrapping his hand around the back of Even’s neck and tilting his head to the side to make the kiss deeper. Isak was in control now and Even gave in easily.

 

He’d give Isak anything.

 

“I want you. I want you so bad.” Isak whispered, sounding like he had sung the words. Even tried to pull away a little, feeling out of breath but Isak just kept saying the words again.

 

“I want you. I want you so bad.”

 

He was definitely singing it now. Why was he singing? Even was confused and he tried to reach out, but Isak was suddenly gone – like he’d disappeared into thin air.

 

“I want you so bad, it’s driving me mad, it’s driving me maaaaad.”

 

How was Isak gone but still singing? What the actual fuck…

 

“Evy! Evy!”

 

That wasn’t Isak’s voice anymore.

 

Even snapped his eyes open and realized as he stretched his arms out that he was lying in his bed, and the sun coming in through the window was making his face warmer than usual. His radio was also on because it was his alarm, the way he woke up in the morning instead of a drilling whistle noise. John Lennon’s voice kept on singing, “I want you, I want you so bad.” That was a Beatles’ song. Even remembered now, his head spinning a little as he let the dream fade away and reality consume him. He sat up in the bed, groaning and trying to conceal how hard he was under the blanket.

 

“Evy, we’re late. Come on.” Einar said, shaking Even slightly before dashing out of the room and down the hall.

 

Right. Einar was home. _Even_ was home. And he’d overslept. Shit. 

 

**

 

Even got Einar to school just on time, Huxley walking proudly as Einar rushed into the school. Lea was somewhere close by because she’d hollered out a greeting to Even and Huxley, a smile in her voice. 

 

Even sighed as the noise of students quieted down and then Huxley began pulling him into the direction of home. Even was sort of dreading being in the house alone again, no job to go to and no mother to take care of. What was his purpose now? 

 

He had a therapy session  at half past one but that wasn’t really something to look forward to. He needed something else to fill his day. 

 

Feeling purposeless was the worst thing for Even. 

 

He didn’t want to sit still. 

 

Even got back home and fed Huxley.  Despite feeling fidgety, Even found himself sitting on the couch and listening to the TV drone on for a few hours. He stayed in one spot with Huxley laying next to him, feeling worse and worse as the hours ticked by. He kept thinking he should get up and  _do_ something, but what did he have to do? 

 

Around half past twelve, knowing he needed to get ready for therapy, he head ed towards the bathroom to have a shower. He had just taken his shirt off when he heard his phone ringing from the other room. He sighed frustratedly, thinking he would just ignore it but then he decided to get it and walked quickly towards his room again. 

 

“Hello?” he answered, a little out of breath. 

 

“Even?” 

 

“Yes, who is this?” Even frowned, feeling like the voice was familiar even though he couldn’t place it. 

 

“It’s your father.” 

 

Even immediately hung up. How the hell had Emmett gotten his number? What the fuck did he want? If he was calling to further explain how he should be Einar’s guardian, Even wasn’t hearing it. 

 

His phone rang again. It was probably the same number because he had certain ring tones for everyone he knew. The sound coming from his phone was one for unfamiliar numbers. He could feel how angry he was, how hard his heart was beating. 

 

He pressed answer and held the phone to his ear. 

 

“Even, I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry, okay?” Emmett rushed, probably thinking Even would hang up again. 

 

An apology wasn’t what Even was expecting. He didn’t answer, but he didn’t hang up either. He waited for the other man to continue. 

 

“I’m not going to...try and take Einar. I won’t.” Emmett continued, his voice cracking a little. It was the most emotion Even had heard from his father that wasn’t anger or disgust. 

 

Emmett sounded genuinely apologetic. 

 

“Why the sudden change?” Even asked coldly, not really believing his father. This was probably some kind of scheme. 

 

“I just...I know you’ll take care of him.” Emmett said simply, as if it was that easy. Hadn’t Emmett expressed just how unfit Even was to be Einar’s guardian? 

 

“Yeah, right. What kind of job could I do, considering I’m blind and gay. Oh, and also bipolar. You missed that one.” Even spat, venom in his voice now. 

 

Emmett hesitated, coughing over the phone. Even shook his head, about to hang up again. He didn’t need this bull shit. 

 

“That doesn’t matter.” Emmett whispered. “None of it matters. I know you love your brother.” 

 

“You don’t know a goddamn thing, Emmett.” Even shouted, unable to hold it together anymore. “You don’t know anything about me, or him. You have no concept of what we’ve been through, how we’ve struggled. You’ll never understand how amazing Einar is, how we’ve taken care of each other.” 

 

“I know, Even. I know I won’t be able to understand...” Emmett tried to interrupt, but Even wasn’t hearing it. 

 

“We didn’t need you. Mom loved us enough for her _and_ for you. You would have ruined everything if you stayed. You would have tainted Einar. You have made him believe I’m some kind of freak just because I don’t like women. Fucking hell! I fucking hate you. You think you have any right to Einar? Any sort of power over him? You don’t!” 

 

Years of being quiet around his father, years of longing for approval, years of feeling like he was the reason his father left their family came pouring out of him; and he continued, even though his voice was shaking and he had begun to cry. 

 

“Einar is...completely loved, do you hear me? Mom loved him. I love him, and everyone I’ve ever brought into his life loves him. He’s the kindest, gentlest person anyone will ever meet and you know what? Mom did that. _I_ did that. No thanks to you. I’m fucking glad that you left, and if you think you could ever be more what Einar needs that me, then you’ve completely lost your goddamn mind.” 

 

Even heaved out a sob, unable to hold it back and he didn’t care if Emmett thought that made him weak. He didn’t care if he was crying. He enjoyed how good it felt to finally say what he’d been thinking for years – a speech he’d kept inside himself for more almost two decades.

 

“You’re right, Even. You’re right, and you won’t hear from me again.” Emmett said, his voice small; like he had regressed to a child-like state. “Goodbye.” 

 

The call ended and Even put his phone down, wiping the tears off his cheeks. Huxley was by his side now, nudging his hands with his nose and Even leaned down to snuggle into the dog’s warm fur. 

 

“It’s okay, boy. I’m okay.” 

 

**

 

Dr. William’s office was particularly warm and Even felt himself sweating under his thin t-shirt. He hadn’t said anything since he’d come in, just sat on the couch and mulled over what had happened earlier in the day. 

 

Dr. William’s didn’t push him to speak. She didn’t do that sort of thing. She let him begin their sessions, let him take it at his own pace. 

 

Even wiped some sweat off his forehead and sighed. 

 

“My dad called me today.” 

 

“Oh? What did he say?” She asked, voice as calm as ever. 

 

“He said he changed his mind about taking Einar. He doesn’t want to be his guardian.” 

 

“Did you believe him?” 

 

“No. I think it’s some sort of scheme. Why would he suddenly back out?” Even asked, standing up and moving around the room. He needed some kind of air circulation or he was going to melt like a snowman on the leather couch. 

 

“Perhaps he’s doubted his own abilities to be a father after all these years.” His therapist suggested, and Even shook his head as he felt around for the giant bookcase he knew was in here, close to the back wall of the room. 

 

“I don’t know. None of this makes sense. It seemed like he called me and said all the things I wanted to hear, but he would _never_ do that. He’d never admit that he’s wrong.” 

 

“Do you think someone spoke to him on your behalf? A friend?” Dr. Williams asked and Even could hear her scribbling something down in her diary. He heard the click of her pen and how she put it back down in her lap, waiting for him to continue. 

 

“I can’t think of anyone.” Even said honestly, brushing his fingertips across the mountains of books on the shelf, wishing he could reach for one and open it; read it normally. He used to love reading. 

 

Even was suddenly struck with the memory of reading before he’d gone blind, curled up on his bed on rainy afternoons, reading mystery stories and then calling Mikeal with all the details of what happened. He also remembered painting, Astrid buying him large canvases that he’d spend hours on. Her face used to light up as she saw his final creations, pulling him into a hug. 

 

He hadn’t thought of that in years. 

 

“Unless he’s done something to legally pursue Einar’s guardianship, I don’t think it’s necessary to worry about it right now. We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.” Dr. Williams said, interrupting Even’s thoughts. 

 

He’d been stuck on the memory of one particular painting he’d done, a canvas as tall as he’d been back then, and he’d filled it with a rainbow of colours. He’d created a scene next to a river, people in boats or on picnic blankets, smiling with their families. All the families had been only with a mother though, no fathers to be found. 

 

“Okay, I suppose you’re right.” 

 

“How are you planning on spending your days? I know you don’t like to be still for very long.” She asked, clicking her pen to write his response down. He smiled as he walked back to the couch, feeling less sweaty now. 

 

“You know me so well.” 

 

“I like to think so.” Even could hear the smile in her voice this time and he returned it, his head in her direction as they were back facing each other. 

 

“I don’t know, honestly. I need to have an income, even though I’ve inherited my mother’s money. I’m going to go crazy if I’m sitting at home all day without a purpose.” 

 

“A job doesn’t have to be the only purpose. You could also have a hobby.” 

 

“Not many hobbies for blind people, doc.” Even said, the reality of his statement making him feel suddenly cold. 

 

“There are plenty of them. You just haven’t had time to pursue any hobbies since your mother was ill. Your sole focus was her, wasn’t it?” 

 

“Yeah.” Even admitted easily, because it was the truth. 

 

Astrid had begged him multiple times to go and see friends, focus on whatever job he’d had at the time, but he never could. He always wanted to get her to doctor’s appointments, make sure she’d taken her meds, clean her when she couldn’t move after chemo sessions. And then he’d also had to make dinner for Einar, help him with homework. There were months at a time when Even’s only job was taking care of his mother and brother. He’d been unemployed otherwise. 

 

He’d gone to university for art history, but he’d been frustrated for a lot of his program. He couldn’t see the art works he was studying, couldn’t imagine the colours or the people. He’d changed his focus in his second year, much to Isak’s disagreement, because he didn’t see a career for himself in art. How was he supposed to draw? Sculpt? Paint? It all seemed so idiotic. 

 

“ _People aren’t going to buy artwork by a blind person, Issy.” Even sighed, curling into a ball on their bed and pulling the blankets over himself. “It would be like buying the artwork of a two year old and calling it magical. It’s such bullshit.”_

 

“ _You haven’t even tried yet though, Evy.” Isak whispered, coming under the covers with Even instead of trying to get Even out of bed. “There must be blind artists in the world. There’s always a way to do stuff.”_

 

“ _Just leave it alone, okay? I’ve already changed my major to business anyways.”_

“ _But you’re going to hate it.”_

 

“ _You don’t know that.”_

 

“ _Yes, I do.”_

 

Even had definitely hated it, and he hadn’t done anything with it anyway. He’d barely graduated, didn’t go to his ceremony because he felt like a fraud, and then spent the next few years at jobs that didn’t require a degree. He’d worked at a call centre answering people’s calls about how to improve their credit, retail stores where he couldn’t figure out how to properly fold jeans and was therefore moved to be the store greeter (which was equally as stupid because he couldn’t tell when people came in.) He’d worked from home as a tutor, which lasted quite a while, but he gave it up for too long when Astrid had a particularly rough six months of chemo and when he’d come back to the website all the people he tutored were either gone or getting help from someone else.

 

“Maybe you could read again? You always liked audio books, right?”

 

Even nodded absent-mindedly, knowing their session was almost up. He didn’t feel like he’d accomplished anything. He just felt like he’d brought up all his problems but didn’t have a clue as to their solutions.

 

“I used to like...to paint.” Even said, not knowing why he’d just admitted that. Perhaps it was because he was still thinking of that giant painting he’d made mere months before he went blind. Where did it end up? Was it still in the house somewhere? Had Astrid gotten rid of it because it was actually crap?

 

“Okay. What’s stopping you from painting again?”

 

Even chuckled humourlessly. “Seriously? I think you know the answer.”

 

Dr. Williams didn’t chuckle. “You could still paint, Even. Just like you can read and cook, travel and get around. There’s always a way.”

 

“I don’t think so. Not this time.”

 

Dr. Williams stood up, indicating that their time together was up. Even followed her towards the door, putting his jacket back on and feeling immensely tired.

 

“Homework until next time,” She said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Buy a canvas and some paint and give it a try.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Seriously. Bye, Even.”

 

**

 

**Isak – 27**

**KB - Noon**

 

“What the fuck do you want?” Emmett sneered, looking around him to see if Isak was truly alone. When he didn’t see Einar, Emmett squared his jaw and crossed his arms in front of his chest. 

 

“I want you to call Even and tell him that you changed your mind about being Einar’s guardian. I want you to say you’re sorry and then never contact either of them again.” Isak said simply, sipping his coffee and then smiling at Emmett. 

 

Emmett threw his head back and laughed. “Or what? You’ll punch me again? You’re lucky I didn’t press charges.” 

 

“And you’re lucky I didn’t do more damage. I told you that I could have.” 

 

“Is that a threat? I could go to the police right now.” Emmett said, his voice loud enough that the people in the next booth turned their heads. 

 

God, he was like a fucking child. 

 

“I’m not threatening you. I’m asking you to leave Even and Einar alone.” 

 

“And why should I? Because you told me to? Who the fuck are you, anyway?” 

 

“I’m someone who cares about both of them more than you ever have. I’m the person who knows how much Even loves his brother, and how well he could take care of him. He doesn’t need you to take care of Einar, especially since you don’t have a clue who Einar is.” 

 

Emmett gathered some of his stuff as if he was about to leave and Isak scoffed. 

 

“That’s always your solution, isn’t it? Run away when things get hard.” 

 

Emmett stopped and looked at Isak, his face bright red with rage. Isak smiled back, knowing he’d hit a nerve and sipped his coffee again. 

 

“You don’t know the circumstances. You don’t have a clue why I left my wife.” Emmett spat, reaching across the table in an attempt to grab some papers and knocked his coffee all over his lap. He hissed in pain and stood up, shaking some of the liquid off onto the floor. “Shit!” 

 

Isak snorted and shook his head. “You’re clumsy, huh?” 

 

“Oh, goddamn you. Fuck off and leave me alone!” 

 

Emmett was causing a commotion now, the workers at KB frowning as they came over with napkins and a mop. Emmett dabbed his coat that was ripped on the left side, the coffee barely coming off at all. The customers next to their booth got out and moved to the other side of the cafe. 

 

“You have quite the temper. I don’t think that would be a good thing for Einar to experience.” Isak said, whispering a polite thank you to the teenager who was now moping up the sticky floor. Emmett sat back down and shook his head, still fuming. 

 

“And you think it would be a good environment for Einar to be living with Even and whoever guy he’s fucking? Einar will end up gay as well!” 

 

“I’d rather he be gay than an asshole like you.” Isak retorted. 

 

“Well, you’re not his father so you don’t have a say, do you?” 

 

“You don’t have a say either because you’re not his guardian. And that’s how it’s going to stay. Or we can go to the police and tell them how much child support you didn’t pay for Einar the last ten years. That’s illegal, isn’t it? And I’m sure you didn’t pay for Even when you first left either, so that’s a lot of money you didn’t send for either of their well-being. What court is going to ignore that?” 

 

Emmett’s eyes widened comically and Isak laughed, nodding as the floor was finally clean and the employee walked away. 

 

“I suppose you didn’t consider that, did you?” 

 

“You...have no right to...tell me what I can and can’t...do.” 

 

“You’re right, not legally anyway. But nobody is going to give you custody of a boy you haven’t spoken to for more than half his life and who you haven’t paid a cent for. If you think otherwise than you’re a lot more stupid than I thought you were.” 

 

Isak got his phone out, found Even’s number, and wrote it down on a napkin with the pen that was in his scrubs. He slid the number over to Emmett and raised his eyebrows. 

 

“Call him now, and tell him you won’t pursue this custody battle for Einar. And you’re going to fucking apologize for ever considering it, or I’m going to go to the police right now and inform them that you’re back in Oslo and have about two decades worth of child support under your belt that you’ve never paid.” 

 

Emmett hesitated for a long second, staring at Isak. He had deep purple bags under his eyes, wrinkles deep in his face and icing from a donut stuck to his upper lip. Isak thought he looked like complete shit. Maybe that’s why he wanted Einar all of a sudden. His life had gone downhill. Maybe his conscious kicked in and he remembered he had children. 

 

But it was too late for that now. 

 

Emmett got his phone out and  dialled the number, sighing and waiting as it rang. 

 

“Even?” 

 

Isak sat up straighter, paying close attention in case Emmett tried anything. 

 

“It’s your father.” 

 

A second later, Emmett pulled the phone away from his ear and placed it on the table. “He hung up on me.” 

 

“So call him back then, and start the conversation with an apology. Do it now, asshole.” 

 

Emmett obeyed, and Isak watched as Emmett apologized and then promised he wouldn’t take Einar. Isak could hear some of Even’s words from the other side but not clearly enough to fully understand. 

 

Emmett hung up the phone and stared at the table. 

 

“Now give me your phone.” Isak said, holding out his hand. 

 

“What the hell? I did what you said!” 

 

“And now I’m going to delete Even’s number from your phone so you never bother him again.” Isak said calmly, smiling politely as Emmett put the phone in his hand. 

 

He deleted the number and stood up, entirely satisfied. 

 

“I...miss them.” Emmett said, reaching out for Isak’s wrist and hanging on. “I just want to know them, okay? I want to be their father again.” 

 

Isak pulled his hand away in disgust and shook his head. 

 

“It’s too fucking late for that, Emmett. If you care about them even a little bit, you’ll leave them alone. Stop being a selfish asshole and let them live their lives.” 

 

Without another word, Isak walked out of the cafe and headed back to the hospital. 


	16. Electric

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isak POV.

**Isak – 27**

**One month later**

 

Isak didn’t know what he was doing here.

 

This isn’t how he’d wanted to try and find himself, work through his issues. This isn’t want his mother had meant when she said to figure out how to be himself again. This wasn’t _him_ at all. 

 

Being in a bar on a Thursday night, working tomorrow at seven wasn’t how he did things. He was always in bed early if he knew he was working early. He was always responsible –  _boring,_ Nathan used to say. Isak didn’t do this kind of thing, take risks and drink. 

 

He didn’t come to bars looking to get laid. 

 

But his friend from work, Darcy, had managed to convince him. They’d had a long week. They had been drilled by patients and their families when things didn’t turn out as planned. Isak hadn’t been quick enough in some instances and had been publicly shouted at by his superiors. Darcy had dropped a surgical tool in the middle of surgery and was sent out for being irresponsible. 

 

They were exhausted to say the least, and Darcy was at a breaking point. 

 

“I can’t believe they shout at us like this. Like, what the actual fuck?” She slurred, pouring drink number four down her throat and wiping her mouth with her hand. 

 

“It’s how we learn.” Isak said back immediately, getting an eye roll in return. Isak was only on his second drink and he didn’t plan on having any more. He didn’t have any stamina for this anymore. 

 

“I know we’re dealing with life and death situations, but come on! We’re only human. Why do we have to be treated like children?” Darcy continued, flailing her arms widely and nearly falling off her chair. 

 

“Can we just not think about it? I didn’t come here to think about work, and I don’t think you did either.” 

 

Darcy paused a moment and stared at him. She then nodded and stood up as if heading to the bar to get another drink. 

 

Isak grabbed her arm and sat her back down with a hard plunk. 

 

“You’re waiting at least thirty minutes before another round. Drink some water.” Isak instructed, practically shoving the glass into her hand. 

 

“Holy fuck, Isak. You’re worse than my father!” Darcy laughed, but she obliged and drank the water anyway. 

 

Isak shook his head fondly and sipped at his beer, already feeling a little tipsy. He hadn’t eaten much today which was a bad decision,  but this was becoming his norm . He was losing weight because he couldn’t find time or energy to make meals. He grabbed sandwiches from the hospital cafe for lunch but never really had time to eat them. He got home late to an empty apartment – no need to come home early anymore for Einar – and barely had enough will power to shower and climb into bed. 

 

He hadn’t done groceries in nearly three weeks. There just didn’t seem to be a point. 

 

Isak closed his eyes, trying to forget about his lonely, dark apartment. He didn’t want to think about how hard it was to go back there alone. No laughter from Einar. No soft hellos from Nathan because Isak had ruined that. 

 

Isak hadn’t kept his promise to have Jonas and Eva over for dinner, nor had he gone to theirs for the meal either. Isak hadn’t really seen much of Lea since Einar had left either. He reckoned they would be at Even’s place now. 

 

Isak tried desperately not to think of him. He closed his eyes as Even’s face popped into his head, willing it to go away. 

 

He especially didn’t want to think about how much he fucking missed Even. How much he wanted to go back to his house and see Einar. Huxley. Make dinner together. Be around people again, and feel...complete. 

 

“Earth to Isak!” Darcy shouted, shaking him slightly. 

 

“Yeah? What is it?” Isak asked, taking a large gulp of beer because he didn’t care anymore. 

 

“I said, do you want to dance?” 

 

The bar doubled as a club – a large dance floor ready and somewhat full for people to dance and grind up on each other, intoxicated brains craving touch. Isak certainly did. 

 

He nodded, finishing his beer. “Let’s do it.” 

 

**

 

Isak got drunk. He sort of figured it would happen. He knew where he was. He knew his name. He wasn’t in danger or falling over. But he was deliciously hazy, his mind blank and he revelled in it. 

 

Darcy was dancing with someone, a tall guy wearing a green button-up shirt and his eyes were glued to her chest. He seemed nice enough, but Isak was keeping an eye on him. 

 

Isak was still dancing, all by himself, just feeling the rhythm of the song. He wouldn’t have done this sober. He’d feel stupid and probably judge himself, feel everyone’s eyes on him even if they weren’t. 

 

But right now, he was moving his hips and throwing his arms into the air and singing along to the shit top-40 that was booming through the speakers, his mouth tasting of liquor and his hair caked in sweat. 

 

A few people had tried to dance with him – mostly girls. But he’d turned them down politely. “I’m really, really gay, sorry! You’re gorgeous though!” 

 

Again, he’d never say that if he were sober. 

 

The hours wore on, the bar getting more crowded and Isak found himself moving closer to the one wall of the bar. It wasn’t intentional, just how the crowd had moved to accommodate more people. 

 

A new song had just started, something about ‘electric love’ and Isak stopped for a second – the lyrics washing over him. 

 

_Well, fuck._

 

Of course it would be this song. The song he and Even had danced to that night, when everyone realized they were together. When everyone discovered Isak liked boys.

 

Even had held him through it, kissed him through it, and it had all been okay. So many years ago now.

 

Isak was about to head to the bar and drink another round when a body pressed into him and wrapped their large hands around his waist. The man was taller than him, smelled wonderful and chuckled into Isak’s ear.

 

“You look like you need a dance partner.” The guy said – in English, which threw Isak a little. He opened his eyes and tried to turn but the guy held him steady – not demanding or pushy, just held him where he was.

 

“Yeah? Have you been watching me?” Isak asked over the music, turning his head a little bit. He found that he didn’t mind being held in place. It was comforting and kind of turning him on.

 

“You could say that.” The man answered, moving his chin down a little and his scruff scratched Isak’s neck. Isak shivered. “Do you want to dance, then?”

 

“Okay.” Isak said immediately, not wanting to lose the warmth – the closeness.

 

He’d missed being touched.

 

Isak started to push his hips back against the man, knowing he didn’t know what the guy looked like. He only knew how he felt, but that was all right for Isak’s drunk brain. He might regret this in a minute but for now he was going with it.

 

The man pushed his own hips forward, grinding into Isak as he held Isak against him, a rush of breath blown into Isak’s ear. It was hotter than it had any right to be.

 

“Feels good,” the man whispered. “You’re a good dancer.”

 

“So are you.”

 

The man’s hands began to wander now, one brushing against Isak’s stomach. Isak could feel hesitation there, the guy probably not wanting to go too far. Isak put his own hand on top of the man’s and guided it under his shirt – wanting to feel skin on skin.

 

Fuck, he was getting hard.

 

It had been a long time since a man had been behind him, since he’d given over control. Nathan had only fucked him a handful of times. Isak was the one who normally did the fucking.

 

But as he danced with this stranger, unknown hands all over him, he suddenly remembered how _good_ it felt to let someone else take charge. He remembered what it was like to be the one getting fucked, the one who was open and vulnerable and pushed to the edge with something inside him.

 

Isak let out an involuntary moan, throwing his head back onto the man’s shoulder. The large hands moved down, fingertips creeping under the top of Isak’s jeans.

 

“Want it so bad, huh?” The man asked, boldly placing a kiss on Isak’s neck.

 

Isak didn’t answer – couldn’t really. He was too far gone, engulfed in sensation, pushing his hips back farther until it felt like they were melded together; one person.

 

“Come here.” The man said, backing them up until the man’s back hit the wall.

 

Isak thumped against him, opened his eyes for a brief second. Nobody was looking at them. In fact, they were well hidden by the sea of bodies – secluded in their own area against the wall.

 

“What are you doing?” Isak asked, wanting to turn around and see this guy – look at his face.

 

But then again, he didn’t really. He liked the anonymity of the situation, that they couldn’t quite see each other.

 

“I want to touch you. Can I?” The guy asked, hands back where they were before – right at the beginning of Isak’s jeans.

 

“I...” Isak hesitated, knowing they were in public; knowing they probably shouldn’t. But he could feel how hard the guy was against his ass, how hard _he_ was, and he was drunk enough that repercussions didn’t matter.

 

“Fuck, yes.”

 

The man lowered his hand a second later, cupping Isak and then stroking him through his pants, moaning into Isak’s ear as Isak pushed himself back; giving the other man pleasure as well.

 

Isak couldn’t believe how good it felt. He wasn’t a teenager. He was a grown man. He’d had plenty of real sex in his life and this wasn’t sex.

 

But it was making Isak leak, soak the front of his jeans and he was so thankful that he was wearing black jeans today.

 

“What’s your name?” The guy asked, pulling Isak by the hip against his crotch harder, his legs buckling a little from the sensation.

 

Isak wanted to kiss the man. He didn’t want to give his name. It didn’t matter anyway, right? Couldn’t they just let this be what it was?

 

Suddenly, Isak closed his eyes and whirled around, reaching up and connecting their mouths. He groaned as the man pushed his tongue into Isak’s mouth, deepening the kiss and pulling Isak by his ass into him – their groins aligned now.

 

Isak wished he had the ability to straddle the other man, ride him hard – preferably naked.

 

Isak kept his eyes shut, not wanting to know who it was. He didn’t want to see the colour of his eyes, his hair. He didn’t want to know what kind of shirt he was wearing. He just wanted to _feel._

 

He just wanted...to see.

 

Isak faltered a little at the thought. That wasn’t right. That was a thing he did with...Even.

 

Everything he was doing right now was related to Even.

 

The song. The absence of sight. The wanting to be fucked – wanting to be vulnerable. He’d spent the last five years not wanting to be vulnerable. Why did he suddenly want that again?

 

_Christ._ All Isak wanted was one night without thinking about Even. 

 

“Fuck, sorry. I can’t do this.” Isak said, pulling away and opening his eyes. He rubbed them, adjusting to the light – trying to see who was in front of him. 

 

And holy fucking shit. 

 

Really? 

 

_Really?_

 

“God fucking damnit. I can’t...believe this.” Isak said in Norwegian this time, fuming with anger as he took in the sight of Even.

 

And why did Even have to look so disheveled and gorgeous, doing nothing to make Isak’s hard-on go away? Why did he have to be wearing a skin-tight black t-shirt, light jeans and his hair styled up?

 

Just...fucking _why?_

 

“What kind of stupid game are you playing? Coming up to me and talking in English so I wouldn’t recognise your voice? Basically trying to fuck me against a wall when I told you I don’t know how I feel about you! I fucking...”

 

“Isak, Jesus, wait a second! I didn’t know it was you either!” Even interrupted, looking stricken and embarrassed.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? You came up to me!”

 

“Yeah because Sonja pointed you out! She said she thought I would like you because of how you were dancing.” Even said, gesturing back into the crowd. Isak turned and tried to find Sonja but it was useless. There were too many people.

 

“Fuck. This is such bull shit. Why would she do this if she could clearly see it was me?”

 

“I don’t think she did. She told me she heard you speaking English by the bar and so I should try that out. I must have come up to the wrong person.”

 

“Obviously.” Isak snapped, rolling his eyes.

 

Goddmanit, he was still hard.

 

“I’m sorry, Isak. Seriously. I never would have done this if I knew it was you.” Even said, sounding genuinely upset by the thought of Isak being angry with him.

 

“Okay. _Okay._ I believe you.” Isak said, sighing and running a hand through his hair. He was sobering up rather quickly now, the beginnings of a headache brewing in his temple. He needed some water.

 

“Did you not see it was me when you kissed me?” Even asked, almost shyly.

 

Isak blushed.

 

“I...I didn’t have my eyes open.”

 

Even frowned, looking confused. “Why not?”

 

Isak walked until his back was against the wall as well, his arm brushing Even’s. The contact made both of them turn, facing each other’s direction. Isak wanted to be close to him again. Frankly, he wanted to pick right back up where they’d left it. His body was still humming with pleasure.

 

“Why, Isak?” Even asked again, running his fingers down Isak’s wrist.

 

“I...just wanted to feel.”

 

“Feel?” Even said, moving slightly closer – his hand moving further up Isak’s arm. “Or see?”

 

Isak’s breath caught in his throat. Even’s hand was on his shoulder now and Isak turned his face, reaching with his mouth to take Even’s fingers in, sucking on them harshly and not giving a fuck if this was the worst thing he could possibly be doing.

 

“Fuck, Isak.” Even moaned, rubbing Isak’s tongue with his fingers, pushing ever so gently back until Isak couldn’t take it anymore.

 

He let go of Even’s fingers.

 

“Come home with me.” Isak blurted out, sudden and loudly. “Please?”

 

Even frowned a little, looking torn. He reached for Isak’s face and ran his hand across Isak’s chin, pushing his face up a little more.

 

“But what about...you said we couldn’t...”

 

“I said we can’t be friends. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you to fuck me. And you said you’d be here if I wanted something. This is what I want.” Isak answered, licking his lips and moving Even’s hand away.

 

“God,” Even groaned, letting out a long breath. “Okay. Okay, Isak. If that’s what you want.”

 

Isak grabbed Even’s hand and lead him through the crowd, grabbing his jacket and heading out into the chilly night air. He headed towards the tram, Even walking beside him; saying nothing.


	17. Perfect

**Even – 29**

 

Even walked all the way to Isak’s apartment without saying a word. He kept waiting for Isak to say something – to turn and say, “This is a mistake. Please leave me alone.” But Isak was silent. Eerily silent and Even’s arms were covered in goosebumps.

 

Isak turned and walked towards a building, the sounds of people laughing strong and loud in the night air. Other people enjoying their night even though it wasn’t the weekend. Most people had to work tomorrow. Isak probably did too.

 

Even could sense that Isak was on edge. He wasn’t totally himself. Even wanted to ask a million questions. He wanted them to actually _talk._

 

But Isak didn’t want that. He just wanted sex.

 

Even knew that. He understood what this was. Hell, he’d done this enough with other people to know the feeling; the rush of desire, a hint of naughtiness in knowing this wasn’t something that would last.

 

A one night stand.

 

But this wasn’t what Even wanted with Isak. This wasn’t what he thought of when he remembered Isak. This wasn’t what kept him up at night dreaming.

 

Isak suddenly grabbed Even’s hand and led him up some steps, muttering the first words he’d spoken since the bar. “It’s only up two floors.”

 

“Okay.” Even whispered, tightening his hold on Isak’s hand and allowing himself to be steered. They reached the floor quickly and Even heard the jingle of keys a second later, Isak opening the door and guiding Even inside.

 

Even just got his shoes off when Isak grabbed him and pulled him into his body, backing him up until they were against the wall again. Isak was breathing heavily, his arms trembling as he hovered near Even’s mouth; not kissing him yet.

 

“Isak, I...”

 

“Shh. I don’t want to talk.”

 

Even sighed, feeling suddenly wrong about this. He couldn’t imagine that this was helping anything – their feelings for each other. He knew this wasn’t going to be what either of them wanted.

 

Even wanted their life together back. Isak wanted to forget and just be fucked.

 

Neither of them could avoid what was happening – all the feelings and history and…

 

Isak’s mouth attached to his, pushing his tongue past Even’s lips and groaned – wrapping his arms back around Even, putting them chest to chest. Even closed his eyes and kissed back, putting his hand in Isak’s soft hair and moaning.

 

Fucking hell, he’d missed this so much. He couldn’t even explain it.

 

Isak was the only person who knew Even completely. He’d experienced everything with Isak; a mountain of firsts. He’d grown up with him, had a life, a _home._

 

Isak would always feel like home.

 

“Stop thinking.” Isak said, pulling back and leading Even down the hallway. Even followed, of course, but he also couldn’t stop thinking.

 

How was this so easy for Isak?

 

How was he able to shut off all his emotions?

 

Isak pulled on Even’s hand until Even was sitting on a bed, the blankets cold. The window had been left open and the room was chilly, making Even shiver as Isak straddled his waist and nudged his chest until Even was on his back.

 

The weight of Isak comforted him, made his shoulders relax into the duvet. Isak was hovering over him, brushing his hand on Even’s cheek – still not saying anything.

 

“You’re thinking too.” Even said, hands back on Isak’s hips as he pulled the younger boy harshly against him, making Isak gasp.

 

Even hadn’t stopped being hard since the club, since he’d gotten his hands on Isak. He hadn’t lied. He hadn’t known it was Isak, even as he’d touched the body he had memorized years ago - every inch. But he hadn’t recognized him then. He hadn’t thought it was possible, wasn’t expecting it and so he’d convinced himself it wasn’t Isak, even though he hadn’t felt that good in so long.

 

His body had known but his mind hadn’t, not until Isak had spoken properly.

 

“No,” Isak denied, shaking his head as he moved his hips – moaning as if he was actually riding Even properly; as if clothes weren’t separating them.

 

Even gripped hard on Isak’s legs, stilling his movements. Isak panted but complied, leaning down and kissing Even’s neck, sucking a bruise there.

 

“Take your clothes off.” Even said, reaching for the bottom of Isak’s shirt.

 

His head was spinning with conflicting thoughts. He wanted Isak. Of course he did. He’d only thought about it hundreds of times since Isak left. He throbbed with the thought of being inside this man again, of being next to him; making him come. But he also didn’t want it to be the _only_ thing between them. He wanted it all. Mornings, evenings, laughing, crying, talking, showering. _Living._

 

He wanted to belong to Isak again.

 

He wanted to go back five years and smarten the fuck up.

 

Isak was shirtless now, pulling Even’s shirt over his head as well, still breathing heavily. Their mouths connected again, both of them desperate. Even reached between them and attempted to undo Isak’s jeans, brushing his bulge as he did and Isak flinched; the lower half of his body pulling away from Even’s hands.

 

“Even,” Isak said, his voice full of insecurity. Even immediately stopped.

 

“Sorry, I can...I’ll stop.”

 

Isak didn’t reply, still didn’t move to resume what they were doing. Had Even fucked up somehow? Did he read something wrong? He waited, hands still in the air where he had moved them away.

 

“I just... _fuck._ ”

 

Isak moved off of Even and stood up, standing in front of him now. Even leaned up, still cold in the breezy bedroom, and waited. He didn’t reach for Isak like he wanted to. He didn’t say anything, didn’t ask questions, didn’t make sure Isak was okay.

 

He thought he already knew the answer to that one, anyway.

 

“I wanted this to be easy.” Isak said, his voice low and sad. Even didn’t want him to feel sad about this. That was the last thing he wanted.

 

“How could it be easy?” Even asked shyly, hoping he wasn’t going to make Isak upset. “It’s not like we’re strangers, Isak.”

 

Isak scoffed a little and moved further away. Even listened closely, wondering if Isak was going to leave the room, but then he heard Isak sit down somewhere else. Maybe a desk. Even didn’t know the room well enough to guess.

 

“We’re kind of strangers,” Isak continued. “I don’t...I haven’t been around you in five years. You could be an entirely different person.”

 

“I’m not, really. I’m older, but I feel like I’m still the person you knew.” Even offered, putting his shirt back on.

 

The eagerness he’d felt was drifting away like smoke, arousal not as consuming. He still wanted Isak, but talking like this was more important. He wanted to continue as long as Isak would let them.

 

“The person I knew...wouldn’t have done this to us.”

 

The words broke Even a little, made tears rush to his eyes and he put his head down. His teeth were clattering together, the cold too much for his skin. He’d been sweating in the club, hot from drinking and all the people. But now his buzz had worn off and nobody else was around to make the room warm. Isak felt far away.

 

“Do you want a sweater?” Isak asked, standing up as if to reach for one.

 

“I know you might not believe me, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was doing what was best for you.” Even said, ignoring the offer – feeling like he deserved to be uncomfortable right now.

 

He heard Isak sit back down on the chair, the hinges squeaking loudly in the silent room.

 

“How could us being apart be the right thing for me?” Isak asked, his voice calm.

 

“I wanted you to focus on your school. You were so excited for the scholarship, to explore the States. I didn’t want that to end for you just so you could come back and be stuck with me.”

 

“I wouldn’t have been stuck, Even.” Isak snapped. “You fucking knew how much Astrid meant to me. Why would you think coming back would somehow ruin my life? The States would still have been there! I could have gone back another time to finish, or just come back home to complete my program.”

 

“I can see that _now._ But then, I didn’t think it through. I didn’t imagine that doing what I did would be the worst thing imaginable.”

 

“Fuck,” Isak repeated, voice strained and tired. Even feared that their attempt at conversation was coming to an end.

 

“Isak, I’m so...”

 

“Don’t apologize to me anymore. I know you’re sorry.” Isak interrupted. “And it doesn’t solve anything.”

 

“I don’t know what else to say, what else to _do.”_ Even pleaded, holding himself back from standing up and finding Isak – connecting their hands and feeling skin to skin again. He wanted to convey how desperate he was to fix things, how much he would put into never fucking up that badly again.

 

“I never wanted to leave without you, Even. I _never_ thought going ahead first was a good idea, but you practically forced me into it. You arranged it all without my say. And those six months were fucking _awful._ All I wanted was for you to come and be with me.” Isak said, surprising Even.

 

He’d been expecting to be told to leave.

 

“I...I spent two years after you called me that day thinking I was... _worthless._ I was so stuck on what you had said - that you didn’t want me. I totally shut myself off from the world. I had...nobody.” Isak whispered, his voice breaking before he let out a loud sob.

 

Even felt light-headed as he listened to Isak’s pain, tears falling down his own cheeks.

 

“And you were here watching your mother...wither away. You took that all onto yourself. You put us through all that fucking hell, and for what? So I could become a doctor?” Isak asked, sniffling as he continued to cry. “You... _broke_ us. You broke everything we were, all that we meant to each other. And I...I’ve lost myself because of it. I don’t have a fucking clue who I am any more.”

 

“Isak, _fuck._ I didn’t know. I didn’t...I thought you would be okay. I thought you’d find someone else.”

 

“I did, Even. I found Nathan, but you know what? I couldn’t actually give myself to him. I couldn’t open up to him. Be honest. How can you share a life with someone when you’re only half a person? When your heart feels like it still belongs to someone else?” Isak said, his voice barely audible. “Was it that easy for you? Were you able to just forget about me and live your life? Find someone else?” Isak asked, ice in his voice now.

 

“No,” Even said immediately. “No, I...I’ve never...loved anyone else.”

 

“Me either. And after everything you did, I _still_ love you. I still _want_ you. But what does that say about me? What the hell is stopping you from doing this to me again?” Isak asked, and he suddenly stood up.

 

He was in front of Even a second later, climbing back onto his lap. Even was so shocked that he fell backwards on the bed, not expecting the weight of Isak on him. They were right back in the same position, Isak hovering above him. This time though, Isak took Even’s hands and put them on his face. Even felt the tears, how Isak’s eyes were scrunched up as he continued to cry – his lips covered in tears.

 

Even could see Isak’s pain, felt it inside his own chest. It was too much. He felt like he would burst from it, tear into pieces right here on this bed. He wanted to shy away from it, turn his head to the side; bring his hands back and clench the bed sheets.

 

But he didn’t. He wasn’t running from this, from what he’d done. Isak _wanted_ him to see, to feel it.

 

“Isak, I won’t ever hurt you like this again.” Even said, taking a deep breath and trying to steady his breathing. He ran his hands along Isak’s eyebrows, felt his sideburns and scruff on his chin. He listened as Isak kept crying, his hands now clinging to Even’s arms to hold himself up.

 

“I won’t leave you. I won’t lie to you about anything. I want to share everything with you. I want to...start again.” Even continued, trying to soothe Isak as much as he could with his words and his touch. “You didn’t deserve what I did to you. You didn’t deserve to feel like you meant nothing to me because Isak, you mean _everything_ to me. You’re my favourite person in the fucking world, and I...I’ve missed you so much. I’ve spent every day missing you.”

 

Isak let out another choked-off cry before he put his head on Even’s chest and wrapped his arms underneath Even’s body, clinging to him tightly. Isak was still shirtless so Even ran his hands over Isak’s muscles, feeling how broad his shoulders were – how strong he still was.

 

“Isak, I...I just want to make you happy. I want to be together again and...make a life. Travel and experience things. I want… I want….” Even broke off because he was crying too hard now, clinging to Isak just as hard as he let himself sob.

 

“I just want... _you.”_ Even managed after a minute, trying to wipe some tears flowing from his eyes and onto the duvet.

 

“I want you too.” Isak said, his voice equally as rough as Even’s – throats thick from crying. He brought his face back up and connected their mouths, mingling their tears from both their lips. “I want us back.”

 

“Really?” Even asked, feeling Isak’s face again and finding a soft smile there.

 

“Yeah. Just...we’ll go slow?”

 

“Of course. God, Isak, anything you need.” Even said, placing another kiss on his sweet mouth, savouring it.

 

“Okay.” Isak said, leaning back up and pulling Even with him. They laughed a little, relief washing through them as the last of their tears dried.

 

“I’ll...um,” Even tried, shaking his head at the fact he was so lost for words.

 

“What?” Isak asked, poking Even on the cheek. He always used to do that when he knew Even was stuck trying to explain something, usually his feelings.

 

“I’ll go home for tonight, then?” Even managed to ask, thinking about the going slow thing they’d just agreed to.

 

Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s shoulders and put his face in Even’s neck, asking silently for a hug that Even was all too willing to give. He waited for Isak’s reply.

 

“Can we just...sleep? You could sleep over.” Isak whispered, putting a small kiss under Even’s ear.

 

Even smiled, returning the kiss on Isak’s forehead and then nodded. “Sounds like the best thing ever.”

 

“Better than sex?” Isak joked, standing back up and walking around to the right side of the bed. Even stood up as well and walked to the left.

 

Their sides.

 

“Definitely.”

 

Even wondered as he got under the covers if it would be awkward. They’d spent years apart. Forgetting their sleeping positions was probably natural. Nobody had slept next to Even that entire time, and he imagined Nathan and Isak had their own way as well.

 

But as they both got into the bed, Isak turned on his side so that Even could wrap his arm around him, back to chest, with Isak’s head on Even’s other arm near the crook of his elbow.

 

They did it like they hadn’t missed five years together, like they’d done this the previous night and all the ones before it since they’d first gotten together. 10 years.

 

“This...comfortable still?” Isak asked hesitantly, his body tense.

 

Even risked another kiss, putting it on Isak’s shoulder and he nodded. “It’s perfect.”


	18. Unfinished

**Isak – 27**

 

Isak was awoken to the sound of his phone ringing, a loud and persistent shrill in the pocket of his jeans that he’d left on the floor. He blearily opened his eyes, disoriented for a brief second before he realized he was in his bedroom. The sun was just beginning to shine through his curtains. It was early.

 

He sat up and reached for his phone, pulling it out of his pocket and seeing Darcy’s name appear. He pressed the green button.

 

“Darcy? Hey.”

 

“Isak, what the hell?” Darcy screamed, making Isak pull the phone away from his ear. “You aren’t at KB. Where the hell are you?”

 

“KB?” Isak mumbled, not entirely awake yet. He sat up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. He had quite the headache, his mouth chalky like he hadn’t brushed his teeth the previous night.

 

Had he? He couldn’t quite remember.

 

“We have to start our shift in twenty goddamn minutes. I know we were out last night but come on! You can’t be this stupid.”

 

Isak’s eyes widened as he suddenly remembered. The club. Dancing. Drinking.

 

_Even._

 

Isak whirled around and saw Even lying with his back to Isak, snoring softly into the pillow; unaware of the world yet. Isak pulled the phone away from his face and saw the time: 06:40. His shift did literally start in twenty minutes and he’d missed grabbing his morning coffee with Darcy.

 

And he was probably going to be _very_ fucking late. He could already see the anger on his superior’s faces.

 

“Darcy, can you grab me my usual order and a bagel or something? I completely slept in. Fuck.” Isak jumped up and ran to the closet, grabbing some of his scrubs off the hangers.

 

“You’re lucky I like you,” Darcy sighed. “See you soon.”

 

Isak ended the call and threw his phone on his dresser, grabbing some fresh underwear and socks. He put on deorderant and his scrubs, trying to pat down his messy hair but it wasn’t much use.

 

“Isak? You okay?” Even suddenly asked, making Isak let out a squeak of surprise. He turned and looked at his bed. Even was now sitting up and rubbing his face, something he always did to wake himself up.

 

“Uh, hey. I’m... _Shit,_ I’m really, really late Even. I didn’t set my alarm last night.”

 

“Oh no.” Even chuckled, standing up. “I’ll get out of here and let you get ready.”

 

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” Isak smiled, coming over and taking Even’s hands. He knew Even didn’t know the layout of his apartment so he was probably unsure of where to go. Even smiled as he held Isak’s hands, allowing him to walk them into the kitchen.

 

“If you just pass me my shoes and get me to the street I can call an Uber to take me home.” Even said, sitting down at the table. Isak did as instructed, getting Even’s shoes and his at the same time, anxiously watching the clock.

 

“I’m sorry this is so rushed. I didn’t mean for it to be like this.” Isak said, feeling awkward all of a sudden.

 

Last night had been a big deal. It felt like it had changed everything. Isak realized that they were _back together._ He was dating Even again; got to call him his boyfriend. Isak was giddy at the thought of it and wanted to enjoy it. He wanted to stay home and make breakfast, talk more.

 

Catch up.

 

But that would have to wait.

 

“Like this? What do you mean?” Even asked, standing up once his shoes were on and reaching for Isak again.

 

Isak came willingly, wrapping his arms around the taller man. He tucked his face into Even’s neck, exhaling slowly; savouring the moment. He had a busy day ahead of him and he wouldn’t be able to see Even again until the late evening.

 

“I just...wish we could have spent the morning together.” Isak whispered sheepishly, wondering if he was being too sappy.

 

He didn’t even know Even’s thoughts about yesterday. Did he still want this? Did he still want them to be together?

 

“Me too.” Even whispered, moving Isak’s chin back up until he could connect their mouths, sighing into the kiss. “But if you want, you could come over after your shift? See Huxley and Einar?”

 

Isak smiled as Even kept touching his face, finding Isak’s lips stretched into a big grin. Even returned it and placed another kiss on Isak’s cheek.

 

“That’s not too fast for you, is it?” Even asked, frowning worriedly for a brief moment.

 

“No. It’s fine.” Isak nodded, regretfully pulling away and leading Even out the door and down to the main road.

 

“Okay. Just text me when you know what time you’ll be coming over.”

 

Isak gave Even another quick peck on the cheek and ran towards the tram, knowing he would catch it if he went fast enough.

 

Being late was always stressful, and Isak hated it. He was usually a punctual person – reliable. His job had occupied his mind for so long now that he didn’t know how else to do it. Being a doctor and being a _good_ doctor had been at the top of his priority list for as long as he could remember.

 

So, he felt uneasy as he checked his phone and realized he was already ten minutes late. His rounds had technically already started.

 

But the feeling of hope that sat light as a cloud in his chest was far outweighing the stress of being late. Isak sat happily on the tram and thought about the coming evening. He also thought about last night – how nice it had felt to be with Even again, to finally say what had been on his mind for the past five years.

 

He hadn’t gone out last night thinking that by this morning he would be dating someone again. And not just _someone._ Even.

 

 

**

 

“Hello?”

 

“Jonas? Hey, it’s Isak.”

 

“Hey! You’re not dead!” Jonas teased and Isak laughed, sitting back against the wall near his locker. The day was only halfway done and he had finally had a spare moment to himself. He was on his third cup of coffee.

 

“Sorry I haven’t called.”

 

“You’re busy saving lives. I understand.” Jonas said, kind as ever. “Sara got sick and it’s lasted about two weeks. You probably didn’t want to come here anyway.”

 

Isak frowned, suddenly concerned. “Sick? What was wrong?”

 

“Just a cold. But it’s stuck around and really knocked her out. She was sleeping for most of the day for the last week. No energy. We saw a doctor though.”

 

“Hm. Well, I hope she gets well soon. Colds can last two weeks in kids her age. It’s not uncommon.”

 

“Thanks, doc. What’s up with you? How’s work?”

 

Isak didn’t really want to talk about work. He wanted to talk about _anything_ else, really. “I wanted to know if you, Eva and Sara would want to come for dinner this weekend? Maybe on Saturday?”

 

“Really?” Jonas asked, sounding surprised – like Isak wouldn’t actually want to spend time with his friend.

 

“Yeah, of course. I miss you, man. Now that I’m back, I...” Isak sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I want to catch up. I want us to all hang out again, like we used to.”

 

“Awesome,” Jonas said, chuckling. “I didn’t know if...if you really wanted to. You’ve kind of been keeping to yourself since being back. I know Einar was with you and you were settling in.”

 

“That’s no excuse, though. I should have made an effort.”

 

“I should have, too. I’ve missed you a lot, Issy. Like, fucking tons.”

 

Isak grinned, knowing he needed to get back to his patients in a minute. “Okay. Text me if Sara is allergic to anything. I have to get back to it now. Talk to you soon?”

 

“Yeah, Is. I’ll see you on Saturday. Bye.”

 

**

 

 

“Yes!”

 

Isak was barelled over by Einar as soon as he got in the door, laughing as Einar wrapped his arms around him. Isak held on tightly to the food in his hands, unable to hug back but Einar could tell he was equally as happy to see him.

 

“Hey, buddy.”

 

“You brought snacks? Yes! Even, Isak brought a shit ton of food.” Einar called, grabbing the bags and carrying them into the kitchen. Isak followed, finding Even at the stove stirring something that smelled delicious. Einar walked out into the hallway.

 

“You didn’t have to bring anything.” Even said softly, coming over and finding Isak, rubbing his scruffy chin before kissing him.

 

Isak felt his shoulders relax and he hugged Even, not caring that he was still wearing his scrubs. He hadn’t gone home before coming over – too excited. And also, too tired.

 

“Um, heck yes he did. He brought so much junk food!” Einar said, walking back into the kitchen and stopping short – seeing Isak and Even kissing. Isak caught the boy’s eye and pulled away from Even, clearing his throat.

 

“I know how much you love that stuff.”

 

“Not before dinner, though. Einar, I’m serious.” Even teased, finding his way back to the stove and turning off the burner.

 

“Wait, hold on.” Einar said, eyes still wide. He gestured between Isak and Even, raising his eyebrows. “Are you two...did I just see...what the...”

 

“Close your mouth, dude. You look like you’re catching flies.” Isak instructed, taking some of the food out of the grocery bags. It wasn’t all junk food. Some of it was drinks – juice, pop. And he’d gotten a bottle of wine. One of his favourites.

 

One of Even’s favourites too, hopefully. It had been five years ago.

 

“But...you were just...”

 

“Let’s eat!” Even interrupted, probably feeling as flustered as Isak did.

 

Taking it slow meant not announcing it to their families or friends yet. Isak hadn’t said that out loud to Even, but he was glad Even seemed to already know that.

 

“Einar, grab the food.”

 

**

 

“You two are acting so weird.” Einar said, shaking his head. They were sitting in the living room now, Huxley at Even’s feet, and Isak had just beat Einar for the third time in Mario Kart. Because Isak was the master.

 

Isak was sitting next to Even on the couch, their thighs touching. Even kept secretly rubbing Isak’s back, and when Einar had gotten up to use the bathroom, they had sneakily made out, Even almost pulling Isak into his lap. Einar pretty much caught them on the way back to his spot on the floor, rolling his eyes.

 

“Time for homework, I think.” Even stated, smirking at how Einar made a choking noise in surprise.

 

“It’s Friday!”

 

“So? Perfect time to do it. And then tomorrow is a free day.”

 

“God, _nobody_ does that Even.” Einar said, standing up and turning off the game system. “I’d rather just enjoy today and tomorrow and do it all at six o’clock Sunday evening.”

 

“Why aren’t you with Lea? You guys spent all the weekends together when you stayed with me.” Isak asked, sipping his wine.

 

He’d been right about it. Even still loved it.

 

Einar looked away from them and rubbed the back of his neck. Isak didn’t understand why Einar looked so...upset? Sad? Had they gotten into an argument and weren’t speaking?

 

“Einar? You going to answer Isak’s question?” Even asked, frowning in the direction of his brother; concern also on his face.

 

“She...is with someone else tonight. She had a date.” Einar mumbled, shrugging his shoulders like it wasn’t a big deal.

 

But Isak could see how much of a big deal it was to Einar.

 

“A date? She’s only fifteen.” Isak scoffed, wondering what ‘a date’ entailed when you were that young.

 

“Well, he’s seventeen. And has a car. I’m going to my room.” Einar said coldly, walking out of the living room and stomping down the hall. It was the first time Isak had seen Einar act like a teenager.

 

“A car? _Seventeen?”_ Isak exclaimed, suddenly terrified. What the hell? Did his father know about this? Had Terje _allowed_ this?

 

Two years wasn’t a big age difference to someone Isak’s age, but Lea was only fifteen, and just barely. A few months ago she had been fourteen. A _child._

 

“Calm down. Hey, look at me.” Even said softly, putting his hands out.

 

Isak leaned back against Even, thankful for his warmth, and turned his head to look at Even’s face. His cheeks were a little flushed from the wine but he was smiling, his hair hanging against his forehead.

 

“I’m sure she’s okay. Don’t panic and assume the worst.”

 

“Did she mention anything to you? Did Einar mention a boyfriend at any point?” Isak asked, wondering how long this had been going on.

 

He hadn’t thought of Lea as being interested in dating. She was still so young. And honestly, Isak assumed that if she had been interested in anybody it would be Einar. The two were practically inseparable. Lea said they were only friends but the way they looked at each other sometimes made Isak think they felt more than just friendship.

 

“No. I always imagined that they liked each other.” Even said, kissing Isak’s temple.

 

“Are you a mind reader? I was just thinking that. And Einar doesn’t look happy about this so-called date. A _date!_ She’s too young to date.”

 

“You sound like a worried Dad.” Even smirked, tickling Isak’s sides.

 

“I _am_ worried!” Isak said, turning around and tickling Even too, both of them shrieking with laughter until they ended up falling off the couch – narrowly missing landing right on Huxley.

 

The dog huffed loudly and moved to the other couch, jumping up and glaring at them.

 

Isak had fallen on top of Even, chest to chest. Both of them were breathing hard, faces red. Isak braced himself on his hands and hovered over Even, spreading his legs until he was straddling him, just like the previous night. He brushed Even’s messy hair away from his eyes, fingers lingering on Even’s faded scar.

 

“I thought this would have been...weird.” Isak admitted, feeling Even’s hands settle on his thighs.

 

“What would be weird?” Even asked.

 

“Trying to become us again.”

 

Even nodded in understanding, tilting his head to the side. Isak took that as an invitation to place kisses all along Even’s neck just because he could.

 

He could actually _do_ that again.

 

“Isak, that feels really good.”

 

“ _You_ feel good.”

 

They stayed like that for a minute, just breathing; feeling. Isak eventually laid down next to Even on the floor, his head on Even’s chest; arms wrapped around Even’s waist.

 

“I don’t think we stopped being us. Not really.” Even suddenly said, closing his eyes. “We didn’t...feel complete without each other. We couldn’t be with other people. Maybe that’s why it’s easy to fall back into it again.”

 

“Yeah,” Isak nodded, his throat suddenly tight. Why did he feel like crying?

 

He didn’t want to think about all the nights – weeks – he’d spent feeling...unsatisfied. Unfinished. Like his life couldn't possibly move forward. Even had interrupted Isak’s life in the middle of a sentence; a play ending when it wasn’t even halfway complete. Isak was the audience sitting stupefied, being told to leave the theatre. But all he could do was stay sitting until it started again – unable to get up and leave, knowing he wouldn’t see the ending.

 

Perhaps it was the shock of it. Isak had still been reeling from the magnitude of what had happened – what had ended – for five years. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t been able to find himself, why he’d felt like he’d lost so much of who he was.

 

But he hadn’t _lost_ who he was. He had buried it, under the distraction of work. He had pushed himself to the side so he didn’t have to think. He didn’t have to feel the pain of it.

 

“I think I could have...felt complete. If I had tried. If I had actually let myself believe we were over, I might have been able to be happy without you.” Isak said, breathing out shakily as he organised his thoughts.

 

Even stayed silent, just listening.

 

“I think that I ignored it. It didn’t feel real. And it sounds stupid that I did that for five years, but it’s the truth. I didn’t realize it until I was back here. Until I saw you again. Being here put it all at the forefront of my mind and I realized how many thoughts I’d pushed away; how much pain I was actually in. I thought that I didn’t know myself any more, didn’t know who I was. But I think it was just the pain I didn’t reognise. I was finally feeling it all the first time.”

 

“Isak,” Even whispered, urging him up until they could kiss again. Isak knew it was an unspoken apology. Even was trying to soothe him without words.

 

“I thought I lost myself too,” Even said after a few minutes, gently putting his head back on the floor. “But I also pushed things away because I was focused on my mom. I was consumed with her and her needs. I didn’t let myself feel it either, the absurdity of what I’d done – how much I’d ruined our life. That’s how my disease got out of control.”

 

Isak sat up and crossed his legs, sitting away from Even a little bit. He watched Even as his face contorted into confusion, not knowing what to make of their lack of closeness all of a sudden.

 

“God, I still want this Even, but I’m...” Isak clenched his hands into fists. “I’m so _mad_ at you. Now that I feel everything I hadn’t for all that time, I’m so...fucking angry that we feel like strangers. We’re falling back into being us again, but we still spent all that time apart. And there’s still so much I don’t know.”

 

“Okay,” Even nodded, sitting up as well. He sat across from Isak but didn’t touch him, kept his distance. “You can feel however you feel, Isak. I’m not upset that you’re angry.”

 

“ _I’m_ upset that I’m so angry. Just now, I got so mad that I didn’t want to touch you anymore. But I spent five years not touching you, and we’re together again, so I...”

 

“We’re taking it _slow,_ Isak. That’s part of it.” Even interrupted, his voice calm. “If you need space at any time, I’ll give you space. And I’ll be honest with any questions you have for me.”

 

Isak nodded, listening and taking it all in. He unclenched his fists and sighed, knowing he was overtired. It was probably contributing to him being emotional right now; probably over-emotional.

 

“I might head back to my apartment now. I really need to sleep.”

 

“Okay, that’s fine, Isak. Whatever you need.”

 

“Just, answer me one thing. It’s been on my mind lately, and I’m sorry if its a rude question but I want to know.” Isak said quickly, wincing at the way he had just spat that sentence. He had sounded annoyed.

 

“Anything, Isak.”

 

“Did you...date anyone else?”

 

Even shook his head. “Not long term.”

 

“Okay, what does that mean?” Isak snapped, once again sounding harsher than he meant to.

 

“It means I didn’t...see the same person again.” Even replied, blushing and putting his head down.

 

“So you had a lot of one-night stands?”

 

“Yeah, Isak. That’s all I did. I used to go out after my mom had gone to bed and Einar was taken care of, and I would meet people there.”

 

“Like how you went out last night and found me?”

 

“Yes, but I wasn’t looking to hook up with someone. I just wanted to dance.”

 

Isak didn’t know how he was feeling. He didn’t know what to say. Was he jealous? Not really. How could he be? Even hadn’t dated someone else – loved someone else. But he’d slept with way more people than Isak had since they’d broken up.

 

Isak was about to reply but his phone rang, once again loud and shrill. He took it out of his pocket and saw Lea’s name.

 

He immediately panicked because she was supposed to be on a date, right?

 

“Lea? You all right?” Isak said, seeing Even frowning.

 

“Isak, can you come and get me? Please?” Lea asked, her voice thick and full of tears. She sniffled and let out a small sob.

 

“Yeah, of course. Where are you? Are you hurt?”

 

“I’m in front of Nissen. Please, Isak my phone is going to die...I...”

 

The line went dead.


	19. Lea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a one-off POV from a different character than Isak and Even. 
> 
> Let's have some insight into Lea's experience. :)

**Lea – 15**

**2 weeks earlier**

 

Terje was sitting in his office, typing madly away at his computer. Lea hovered in the doorway, shifting from foot to foot; wanting to ask the question that had been on her mind for months now. Probably longer.

 

But this was her father.

 

Lea hadn’t felt close to him in years. Perhaps never. She’d always gone to Isak with her questions, or Astrid. Sometimes Marianne, but that seemed ages ago.

 

She didn’t have many friends who were girls at school. That had just never happened. She preferred Einar’s company, something they were teased for since they were about eight. He always wanted to be with her too rather than playing with other boys.

 

Lea knew she could talk to Einar about anything. They’d promised each other they could. When Marianne got worse, Einar was there for Lea. He would distract her, make things fun despite the stress. When Isak left, Einar was also there; always smiling. And when Astrid was sick, when she lost her hair and all the weight on her already small frame, Lea was there to do the same for Einar.

 

They always had each other when everyone else was occupied; too busy for them.

 

But this question was about Einar. She couldn’t go to him with it. She blushed just thinking about it.

 

So, she stood and looked at her father, wondering what was occupying his mind right now. She wondered if it was okay to interrupt, if this would be one of the times when he’d turn and smile, welcome her company. Or if he would wave her away and tell her to give him a few more hours.

 

“Lea?” Terje asked, and when she blinked she realized her father had turned around; had spotted her without her needing to grab his attention. “Are you all right?”

 

“Yes,” Lea quickly said, finding her voice. She stood up a little straighter. “I...just wanted to ask something. But it’s kind of stupid. I’ll just let you work.”

 

She began to turn around, feeling completely foolish, when she heard her father walk across the room. He reached her and touched her shoulder, indicating he wanted her to turn back around to face him. She did, slowly.

 

“No stupid questions, Lea. Ask away.” He smiled, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorway. His expression calmed her.

 

“I...wanted to know when you knew you loved Mom.” Lea sighed, flinching a little as embarrassment took hold of her.

 

Terje clearly wasn’t expecting a question like that because some of the colour left his face and he coughed into his fist, adjusting his stance.

 

“Um, well. I...” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I think I always knew? We were friends for a long time before we got together. We met in school, like you and Einar.”

 

Lea knew that already. She knew her mother and father had met when they were young and had stayed together, having Isak and her. They had been happy for a lot of years before Marianne’s illness took hold of her.

 

“But how could you know you loved her, and just be friends? If you loved her, why didn’t you say something sooner?” Lea asked.

 

Terje chuckled. “Well, I was worried she didn’t feel the same way. She never really showed me that she liked me more than as a friend.”

 

_Damn._ Lea hated how much she related to this story. It might as well have been her own. 

 

“When did she show you? I mean, _how_ did you finally realize how you felt about each other?” Lea said, timidly. Whatever the answer was, she didn’t know if she would be able to be brave enough to do it. 

 

She couldn’t imagine being brave enough to admit her feelings, what was swelling inside her chest every time she looked at her best friend. 

 

Terje looked at her for a long second, a look of realization crossing his face. Lea looked away, imagining that he had probably figured it out. He probably knew why she was asking. 

 

“I finally asked her one day. I just said it.” 

 

“Said what?” 

 

“’I like you more than a friend, do you like me the same way?’” Terje said, smiling and looking fond. “Luckily, she did feel the same way.” 

 

“What if she hadn’t? What if...she had said _no?”_

 

Terje shrugged his shoulders, not seeming bothered. “I guess it would have been all right. We would have moved on from it.”

 

“Wouldn’t you have been heart-broken?” Lea asked, her face on fire now. She couldn’t believe she was having this conversation with her _dad._

 

“Yes. But in time, I would have been okay.”

 

_I won’t be okay if he says no,_ Lea thought. 

 

“Okay, cool. Um, thanks dad. I’m writing a story and just needed some idea of what it was like, and...Bye!” 

 

Lea practically ran down the hallway and closed her door, not wanting to see that all-knowing look on her father’s face again. 

 

**

 

**1 week later **

 

“Lea-Mia, you’re acting so weird right now.” Einar laughed, shaking his head. They were sitting at a restaurant, one they went to often, and Lea was wearing all her best clothes. And make-up. 

 

She smelled of the new perfume she’d bought yesterday. 

 

She was uncomfortable as hell in her skirt. She  _never_ wore skirts.  She’d forgotten she even owned it, but it made her legs look nice. She thought it would be good to wear it today, because today was  _the day._

 

The day to be brave. 

 

“What? No, I’m not.” She said, taking a huge gulp of her water. Her mouth was dry as the desert sand. 

 

“You’re all fidgety and...you’re wearing lipstick. _Why_ are you wearing lipstick?” Einar frowned, and Lea’s stomach sank at the thought that he didn’t like it. Maybe he thought it made her look ugly. 

 

God, why was she so nervous? She’d been around Einar practically every day for the past nine years. He was her best friend. Her favourite person. 

 

Why were her hands shaking? 

 

“I just...I thought it looked nice.” Lea mumbled, feeling how tightly she was holding herself in place. Her muscles ached. 

 

“You always look nice,” Einar smiled kindly, reaching across the table and taking her hand. “But you just seem...nervous? Are you going to tell me some awful news?” 

 

“No,” Lea shook her head, not wanting him to worry. He’d been through enough hardship lately. He didn’t need to think more was coming. “No, but I do want to talk to you about something.” 

 

“Okay. What is it?” 

 

Their food arrived before Lea could start and she smiled as Einar’s eyes went wide; their plates full of hamburgers and fries put in front of them. Einar was always hungry, always finishing whatever she couldn’t. He was so dorky about food. He liked making dinner – something Even had taught him. She couldn’t count the amount of times she’d come over and Einar would be making a new recipe, using unfamiliar spices and vegetables Lea couldn’t pronounce, claiming it would be the best thing she ever tasted. 

 

Sometimes the meals ended up being the  _worst_ thing she ever tasted, but he was getting better with measuring ingredients out properly to avoid disasters.

 

_Crap,_ she thought.  _I really, really love him._

 

And it might have seemed naive because they were only fifteen. Hormones were raging and all that stuff. But Lea knew how she felt. She wasn’t gushing about some celebrity she knew she would marry one day. She wasn’t being unrealistic or over-the-top the way she knew teenage girls could sometimes be. 

 

She just knew. 

 

Like her father had said. It was something she could  _feel,_ and it was the brightest, clearest thing in her world. 

 

“Okay, you’re freaking me out.” Einar said around a mouthful of hamburger, ketchup dripping down his chin. “Why are you staring at me?” 

 

Lea shook her head and looked away, picking up her own food even though she wasn’t hungry. She didn’t think she could swallow any of it around the lump in her throat.

 

“Lea, tell me what’s up. Please?” 

 

“I love you.” 

 

She blurted it out, the words forceful and loud. The waitress standing slightly away from their table turned and looked at them for a second, smiling before she turned back to wiping down the empty seat. 

 

Einar’s eyes went wide and he dropped his food, his fries scattering onto the table. Lea breathed heavily as he looked at her, feeling tears creep into her eyes from all the adrenaline rushing through her veins. She couldn’t breathe. 

 

“You mean, like...you’re _in love_ with me?” 

 

Einar was whispering and he never whispered. He was always loud, always carefree. He was a bundle of energy. 

 

“Yeah. That’s what I mean.” 

 

“Oh.” 

 

_Oh?_ That’s all he had to say.  _Oh?_

 

“Lea...we’re _friends.”_ Einar continued, reaching for a napkin and wiping his fingers.

 

“I know.”

 

“And we...we’re close. We’ve always been close.”

 

“ _I know,_ Einar.” Lea said, those tears brushing down her cheeks now. She knew Einar hated to see her cry. He always hugged her when she did, waiting until she was done. Then he would find something to cheer her up.

 

“Lea-Mia, don’t cry.”

 

“Do you like me too? As more than a friend?”

 

Einar stared at her. And stared some more. Eventually, he looked down at the table and closed his eyes, sighing.

 

That was her answer right there.

 

Lea reached behind her, pulled her purse from off the chair, and grabbed some money from her wallet. She put it on the table and stood up.

 

“That should cover my food. Bye, Einar.”

 

“Lea, wait!”

 

But she was already leaving, her heels clacking against the cement floor.

 

**

 

**1 week later, Friday**

 

There was a boy at Nissen in second year who liked to hit on the younger girls. He stood against the wall in the entrance way of her Norwegian building, shouting out compliments to anyone and everyone. He would always be joined by friends, turning to them and chuckling as some girls rolled their eyes or smiled his way. Everything was a huge joke to him.

 

He’d never paid Lea much attention personally. She was just one of many girls. But for some reason that morning as Lea walked to class, she made it her mission to make him notice her.

 

“Hey,” She smiled, walking right up to him and smiling. She had her skirt on again, no leggings this time, and she’d pulled it up to show off her thighs. She was wearing a low-cut top, make-up covering her eyes to make her look older, and she knew she did. She could pass for a second year, easy.

 

His eyes widened, taking in the sight of her, and then he put an arm around her shoulder.

 

“And who are you?” He asked, staring obviously at her cleavage.

 

“Your date tonight.”

 

**

 

“Lea, for fuck’s sake, can you _slow down?_ ” Einar pleaded, following Lea across the courtyard.

 

“I’m late for class.” She said as an excuse, but that wasn’t the reason she didn’t want to talk to him.

 

She was _humiliated._

 

Einar had tried to contact her for the whole week. Texting her, calling her. He’d showed up at her house but she said she felt sick. Terje had gone down to speak to him on her behalf, shrugging his shoulders as Einar looked crushed.

 

She didn’t know what to do, how to stop feeling this way. She’d become a dramatic teenage girl, doing stupid things like pushing herself onto a complete asshole who clearly had no respect for girls. And now she was going on a date tonight. He was picking her up in his car.

 

And she was wearing a fucking _skirt._

 

“I love you too!” Einar said, breathless from running after her, and that made her stop.

 

She froze and finally turned to look at him.

 

“What?”

 

“I said that I love you too. God, I’m out of shape.” He heaved, putting his hands on his thighs and gulping in some air.

 

“You’re such a bastard.” Lea spat, shaking with anger now.

 

“ _What?”_ Einar said, eyes wide and horrified. “Lea, I’m telling you the truth.”

 

“You feel bad, that’s all this is. You know you hurt me, but doing this isn’t going to help me, Einar. Give me some fucking space to get over you. Don’t do _this._ Don’t lie to me!”

 

“I’m not!”

 

“I have a date tonight.” Lea said, unsure why. Maybe she wanted to hurt him back. But how would that information hurt him? He didn’t love her. He didn’t see her as anything but his stupid best friend.

 

“No, you don’t.” Einar said through gritted teeth. “You...can’t.”

 

“Just because you don’t want me doesn’t mean _nobody_ does. He’s seventeen and has a car. We’re going to the movies.” Lea continued, trying to sound proud – like it was something she was looking forward to.

 

“Lea, can we please talk? Can you please just _listen_ to me?”

 

“Bye, Einar.” Lea said, turning on her heel and running to her next class.

 

**

 

“I’m going out with Einar. I’ll be home late.” Lea said to her father, mustering up a smile so he wouldn’t worry.

 

“Oh? Did you two work things out, then?” Terje asked, stirring some soup on the stove.

 

“What?”

 

“It looked like you were fighting. You haven’t seen him all week.”

 

“We have separate lives, dad. I’m not with him every second.”

 

“Yes, you are.” Terje chuckled, looking fond. “He’s over here or you’re at his house. Every day.”

 

“Well, we needed some space. I have other friends.”

 

_Not really._

 

“Okay, well. Have fun. Say hi to him for me.”

 

Lea walked out the door and down the street, turning down a cul-de-sac road where a green car was parked, music blaring from the speakers. She recognised the second year boy and when he caught her eye, he smiled and opened the car door.

 

“Hey gorgeous,” the boy – Jakob – said, walking over to her side and opening the door.

 

Lea pushed down the thought of how lovely it would have been to hear Einar say that to her, and got in the car.

 

**

 

Jakob figured out her age pretty quickly. They didn’t have much to talk about, and once he started asking about her classes – something she didn’t expect considering what a dick he was at school – she couldn’t muster up the lies. She didn’t know what second years were learning.

 

“How come you aren’t in any of my classes?” He asked, parking outside the theatre. He was frowning now, and turned to look at her.

 

“I don’t know.” Lea mumbled, no longer interested in being sexy. In being wanted.

 

She just wanted to go home.

 

“How old are you?”

 

“Seventeen.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“I _am.”_

 

“This is too weird. I...I’m not going to get in trouble. You came on to _me.”_ He scoffed, backing out of the parking spot.

 

“Where are we going?” Lea asked, confused. She felt light-headed, like she was floating above herself, watching what was happening.

 

“I’m taking you back. You’re too young.”

 

“I’m never what anyone wants.” Lea whispered to herself. “Just...drop me off at school?”

 

“Whatever.”

 

**

 

He let her out at the front of the school, driving away quickly. He didn’t say anything else to her and she didn’t bother to either. She didn’t know why she had done this, why she was pushing Einar away. She trusted what her father had said. She would be okay someday, even though Einar didn’t love her.

 

She would survive.

 

Her head was just a mess of grief right now. And also guilt. Einar had just lost his mother. His brother had just come home. Lea should be supporting him. She should be there for him the way he was always there for her.

 

She was being a _horrible_ friend.

 

She pulled her phone out of her purse, noticing it was almost dead. “Isak? Can you come and get me please?”

 

**

 

“Lea, oh my _God.”_ Isak gasped, wrapping his arms around her. He had been running, his chest heaving in breaths as she buried her face into his shoulder, letting out some muffled cries.

 

“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t move. I felt stuck.” she explained, feeling even more stupid. She didn’t recognise herself, her emotions.

 

“Are you hurt? What happened?”

 

“I’m fine. I’m okay. I just want to go home.” Lea said, but then realized that wasn’t true. She lifted her head up and looked at her brother. “Actually, can we go to Even’s house? I...need to see Einar.”

 

Isak frowned at her, confused, but then he nodded.

 

“As a matter of fact, I just came from there. I was having dinner with Even. Einar told me you were on a date. Please tell me this guy didn’t hurt you, Lea. I’ll beat his fucking face in, I swear.”

 

Lea shook her head. “No. He didn’t do anything. He just realised I was too young for him.”

 

“Damn straight. What the hell kind of guy thinks it’s okay to date a fifteen year old? Sorry, you’re mature for your age, but that’s just fucking _creepy.”_ Isak said, guiding Lea to the tram stop near the school – arm around her shoulders. She was comforted by the gesture.

 

“I actually...asked him out.”

 

“ _What?”_

 

“Is that so hard to believe? Is it so unfathomable that someone might find me attractive?”

 

Isak winced, clearly not knowing what to say, and Lea once again hated how bratty she sounded. Her brother didn’t deserve this. She was taking it out on him.

 

“Lea, that’s not what I meant. But the age difference right now isn’t okay. When you’re older two years doesn’t matter, but right now it really does.”

 

“I know, Issy. He said as much when he realised and I asked him to bring me here. It’s over now.”

 

The tram came and they got on, sitting across from each other. Lea thought about what she would say to Einar, how she could ask for forgiveness. Her heart clenched at the fact that he might not forgive her. She might have ruined their friendship.

 

“Einar is really worried, Lea.” Isak suddenly said, looking at her fiercely. “He wanted to come with me but I told him not to. He was too worked up.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Of course. You must know what you mean to him.”

 

“I think I have some idea.” Lea sighed, standing up a second later.

 

They were at their stop.

 

**

 

Lea walked into Einar’s house and was greeted immediately by her friend, his eyes wide and red. He’d been crying.

 

Isak slipped in behind her, smiling at them both, before leaving them alone. He had told her on their walk over that he would let them have their space. He’d keep Even busy so he wouldn’t come and interrupt them.

 

“Lea, I...” Einar began, shaking his head as he took in the sight of her. “I was so scared something happened.”

 

Lea walked towards him slowly, biting her bottom lip. “I’m okay.”

 

“Are you sure? Why did you call Isak?” Einar walked towards her as well until they were inches apart.

 

Lea remembered a time when she was taller than Einar. Her growth spurt had hit before Einar’s, and she had shot up like a beanstalk when they were eleven. Einar was so upset that he wasn’t taller, convinced he would always be small. But then when they turned thirteen that completely changed. He was going to be at least as tall as Even, if not taller.

 

Lea looked up at him before she threw her arms around his neck.

 

“I’m really sorry, Einar. I’m sorry for being such a bitch to you.”

 

He immediately hugged her back, tightening the embrace and mumbled something about everything being all right. She didn’t have to apologize. He was all right.

 

“It’s not all right. I’ve been such a shit friend.”

 

“A little bit,” He teased, chuckling. “But I’m tough.”

 

Lea laughed as well, pulling back. She was about to hit him on the arm playfully, suggest watching a movie together here in his room, but as soon as her face was back in view, Einar leaned down and placed a small kiss on her lips.

 

“I also love you too, Lea-Mia. And I’m not just saying that.”

 

Lea sucked in a deep breath, eyes glued to his. He smiled shyly at her and licked his lips.

 

“But you...you didn’t answer me that day. You tried to...tell me you didn’t feel the same way.”

 

“You didn’t let me explain myself, Lea.” Einar pleaded, taking her hands and squeezing. “I was trying to sort through all my thoughts. I was scatter-brained. I was trying to figure out how to tell you that you made me really happy – fucking ecstatic actually.”

 

Lea felt her lips slowly turning up in a grin.

 

“Because I’ve been trying to find a way to ask you how you felt about _me_ for fucking months. Probably years, actually. And I just...”

 

Lea silenced him with another kiss, longer this time; allowing them both to finally know how the other truly felt.

 

“I made popcorn.”

 

Einar jumped in surprised and turned to see Even, munching on the popcorn that he held in a giant bowl. “Care to join us for a movie, love birds?”

 

“Oh, _shut up._ You’re one to talk.” Einar rolled his eyes. “I totally caught him and Isak making out earlier.”

 

“ _Seriously?”_ Lea exclaimed, amused by how fast Even blushed.

 

“Actually, never mind. All this popcorn is for me. Just me. You two can starve.” Even turned and walked back into the living room, saying something to Isak about reaping all the buttery benefits.

 

“Want to join them?” Einar asked, looking sheepish but really happy.

 

Lea nodded immediately, knowing this is exactly where she wanted to be. “Yeah. Let’s go.”


	20. Yes

**Even - 29**

 

**“** This is stupid.” Even huffed, sitting cross-legged on the floor in his bedroom. Isak was next to him, Huxley between them, and he was in a sour mood. 

 

“It’s probably going to feel stupid at first.” Isak agreed, the sound of Huxley’s collar jingling making Even aware that Isak was petting the dog. Huxley was panting happily. 

 

“Then why bother?” 

 

“Because it’s your homework?” Isak tried, a hint of a smile in his tone. Even flopped on his side and let out an annoyed sound. 

 

“I can always say I did the homework but actually  _ not.”  _ Even sighed, feeling Isak’s hand on his back, stroking up and down. 

 

“Somehow I think she’ll know. She has a sixth sense for that kind of stuff.” 

 

Why did Isak always have to be right? Why did Dr. Williams  _ also  _ have to always be right? 

 

“Ugh, fine.” 

 

Even sat back up and reached for the supplies he needed. Paint brushes. Braille labelled colours of paint in various size of tubes. A canvas that he placed on the easel he had bought. The pot of water and colour mixing palette. 

 

“I’ll leave you to it.” Isak said, standing up. Huxley perked up as if to follow, both of them heading to the door. 

 

“What if I can’t do it? What if it’s all a waste of time?” Even asked, desperation in his tone. His head was turned in the direction of the door as he tried to hide the tears that had formed in his eyes. 

 

He didn’t want Isak to try and comfort him anymore than he already had for the past five days. Isak had been nothing but positive about Even trying to paint again. He’d said it was a good idea, something he imagined Even would enjoy. He’d listened to all of Even’s reasoning that it was stupid, completely delusional. Isak had been wonderfully patient. 

 

“Evy, all you can do is try, okay?” Isak said softly. “I’ll come and check on you in an hour.” 

 

Isak closed the door softly behind him, leaving Even alone in the quiet. Rain was splattering outside, barely audible, and the room was cool; sending shivers down his arms and middle. 

 

What could he paint? 

 

Artists painted what they  _ saw.  _ Landscapes. People. Animals. 

 

All Even could see was darkness. Black, all consuming night. He knew what colours were. He could picture the streets of Oslo; his mother’s face. He knew what cars looked like, how trees blew in the wind. 

 

He knew what happened when colours were blended together. 

 

But trying to recreate those things while not being able to see was horrendously off-putting. It made Even unable to stop thinking about how limited he felt, how lost he sometimes was. He’d been blind for a long time but it could still feel brand new; a raw jolt of realization. 

 

It could sometimes make him feel alone.

 

Even found himself reaching for several different colours, feeling for different sizes of brush. He gathered what he needed, including some sticky-tack, and started to work. 

 

**

 

“Even, holy shit.” 

 

Isak had come back just like he’d promised, but this time Einar was with him. It was the end of the school day and both of the most important people in Even’s life were currently gazing at Even’s creation. 

 

“It’s awful, right? I think I got paint all over the floor and…” 

 

“No, no.” Einar interrupted, laughing. “It’s  _ awesome.  _ Fucking awesome!”

 

“Language.” Even said automatically, completely disregarding his brother’s comment. 

 

“It really is fucking awesome, Einar. Couldn’t have said it better myself.” Isak joined in, and suddenly Isak’s hands were touching Even’s skin - his warm fingers brushing off some paint that had landed on Even’s cheek. 

 

“You’re just being nice. It probably looks like one huge blob of brown.” Even said quietly, shaking his head. He tried to shy away from Isak’s hands but Isak held on tighter, leading Even over to the canvas. 

 

“You know I would tell you if that was the truth, Even. Look.” Isak whispered, bringing Even’s hand up to map out his canvas. 

 

Apparently he had mixed the reds, oranges and yellows together wonderfully. The black night sky behind the two out-of-focus characters sitting on a bench made the autumn colours stand out. The patches of white that were supposed to be street lamps were actually in the right place, thanks to the sticky-tack that Even had placed on the canvas before hand to remember where things were. 

 

“It actually...looks good? Like it looks like something you would buy?” Even asked timidly, taking Isak’s hand in his own - uncaring if there was paint on it still. 

 

“Hell yeah. It’s going up somewhere as soon as it dries.” Einar jumped in, thumping Even on the back in a congratulatory way. 

 

“Did you enjoy making it, though? That’s what matters.” Isak asked, Einar snapping a picture of it to send to Lea. 

 

Even thought about it for a long minute. He’d put on some music as he worked. He’d liked that. It was nice to know which colours were which because he could remember what colours together made new colours. He found the sticky-tack worked a lot better than he had first envisioned. It allowed him to have a sense of where things were going on the canvas rather than just guessing. 

 

And having a brush in his hand again, moving across rough canvas, brought him a sense of peace that he had forgotten about - one he hadn’t experienced in a long time. 

 

He thought being blind would mean painting would take forever. But it had actually been quite a fast process. He couldn’t constantly judge himself for what he was painting. He didn’t stand back and ponder what else he needed to add. He just painted what he  _ felt.  _

 

He’d begun his painting with a sense of loss at the front of his mind - focused on everything he had lost. But as he stood next to Isak and his brother at the end of it, he felt like the luckiest person alive. The most fulfilled. 

 

“Yeah.” Even said, his voice shaking a little. “I really did.” 

 

**

 

**Isak - 27**

 

Jonas had come over for the second time that week, munching on some of the garlic bread Isak had made while the main meal was cooked. Eva and Sara hadn’t come this time. Eva had made Jonas go without her so they could have their ‘man time’, whatever that meant. 

 

“Time without my ladies. And in your case, time with just your main man Jonas.” 

 

Jonas wrapped an arm around Isak’s neck, making him laugh. Sometimes Jonas still acted exactly like he used to at Nissen - carefree and full of stupid lines to throw out. 

 

“My main man, huh?” 

 

“Damn straight. Unless you have another boyfriend already.” Jonas chuckled, scarfing down another huge bit of bread and cheese. 

 

Isak didn’t mean to give himself away. But he stopped stirring the pasta and bit down on his bottom lip just after Jonas had said that, apparently a huge giveaway to Jonas that something was up. 

 

“Wait.  _ Do  _ you have a new boyfriend?” 

 

Isak opened his mouth to reply - ready to deny it - but as he locked eyes with his best friend, he found he couldn’t get the lie out. Instead he sighed and nodded, looking guilty at his feet. 

 

“I guess you could say that.” 

 

Jonas smiled, practically jumping up and down. “Holy shit! Nice, Issy. Who’s the lucky guy? You’ll probably get on with this one a lot better. You and Nathan didn’t seem to have much in common.” 

 

Isak had gotten Jonas up to speed on the Nathan situation. He’d been honest about it as much as possible, taking the blame for the failure of the relationship. He hadn’t loved Nathan. He’d kind of used him. But Jonas had added that Nathan didn’t seem like a good match anyways, despite Isak’s various fuck-ups. Nathan had begun a relationship and stayed in a relationship with Isak even though he’d known Isak wasn’t all in, which is what Nathan himself had said at the end. 

 

“Um, well…” Isak stammered, not knowing how Jonas would react to this. Would he understand? Would he think Isak was a tad crazy?

 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Jonas added, seeing the panic in Isak’s eyes. “I just hope that he’s good to you, that’s all.” 

 

“He is,” Isak said immediately. “It’s just...complicated.” 

 

Jonas raised his eyebrows, waiting to see if Isak continued. But when Isak didn’t, Jonas just continued to eat the garlic bread, giving Isak tips on how to keep the pasta moist. 

 

“Don’t use that word! Ugh.” Isak whined, shaking his head. 

 

“What, moist? What’s wrong with that word?” 

 

“Just don’t say it. It’s gross.” 

“Moist, moist, moist,” Jonas repeated, running away from Isak when he lunged for his sides, ready to defeat Jonas with tickles. 

 

**

 

**Even - 29**

**2 weeks later**

 

“A date?” Isak asked, nearly choking on his sandwich. Even had come to the hospital to spend time with Isak, trying to catch a glimpse of him. Isak had been swamped with his job ever since they had decided to try out their relationship again. 

 

Besides coming over once to help Even start painting again, Even had hardly seen Isak at all after the night Isak had gone to pick up Lea. 

 

“Yeah. Where two people dress in nice clothes, go have some food. Be romantic and stuff.” Even smiled, hearing Isak clear his throat several times. 

 

“I know what a date is, you dork.”

 

“Oh. You sounded confused. Thought I would define it for you.” Even teased, lacing their hands together. They were sitting in the cafeteria, people chatting all around them, and Even was a bit light-headed from the smell of floor cleaner. Hospitals weren’t a romantic place at all and he’d been dreaming of taking Isak out properly for  _ days.  _

 

“Okay. I’d like that.” Isak agreed, leaning over and placing a kiss on Even’s cheek. Isak smelled of rubbing alcohol and sweat, the consequence of not leaving the hospital for three days in a row. His phone had died two days ago so Even had brought some supplies, including fresh clothes, a phone charger and some food to keep him going. 

 

“When do you think you’ll have time?” 

 

Isak sighed and Even could tell how stressed he was. He wanted to make it better but he also didn’t want to interfere with Isak’s work. It was unknown territory to Even. 

 

“I don’t know. Probably tomorrow. I just need to sleep for a long time to catch up and get my body back on track.” 

 

“That’s all right. I’ll just spend all the time planning it so it’s perfect.” Even said, indicating that he wanted a hug. He didn’t care if Isak smelled a little bit or that the time apart really sucked. He just wanted to hold the man that he loved. 

 

The man he hadn’t stopped loving. 

 

Isak came willingly and lingered until the very last second he could, running back to his duties with a promise to text Even that evening. 

 

**

 

**Isak - 27**

 

“Even, seriously, I feel like at least  _ one  _ of us should be able to see.” Isak whined, uncomfortable wearing a blindfold and being lead by Even to the secret place he had planned for their date. He kept tripping over things as they walked, losing his balance. 

 

Even on the other hand was completely fine. 

 

“You trust me, right?” he asked, taking Isak’s hand and squeezing. 

 

“Yes.” Isak nodded, and it was true. 

 

“We’re almost there. And Sonja helped me set things up anyways, so don’t worry.” 

 

Sonja had dropped them off near the main part of the city and Isak had assumed that they were heading to a restaurant of some kind. But then Even had pulled out a blindfold and told Isak to follow him. They’d been walking for some time now, Isak wishing he’d brought a heavier coat. 

 

Not even five minutes later, Even stopped walking. Huxley sniffed around and then Isak heard the dog licking Even’s palm, something he did to indicate that they were where they were supposed to be. 

 

“I’m going to take this off now.” Even whispered, reaching up and untying the blindfold. 

 

Isak was disoriented for a second, his eyes adjusting, but when he managed to take a good look around his heart began beating faster. In front of him was a picnic. There was a blanket laid out on the ground, a basket of food inside including a bottle of wine, and around their blanket were some small lights illuminating everything in the darkness of the evening. There were also some spare blankets. Huxley went over and sat proudly, looking back and forth between his two owners. 

 

“Even, it’s…” 

 

“Cheesy as hell. I know. But...it reminded me of the first date we went on. Sitting outside and listening to music. Do you remember?” Even asked, wrapping his arms around Isak’s middle and kissing him before he could reply. 

 

When their lips parted Isak said, “How could I forget?” 

 

Even smiled before motioning around them, trying to point something out that Isak had missed. “Do you recognise this spot?” 

 

Isak looked around carefully, frowning a little in confusion before he finally realized what Even meant. They were currently standing inside the small courtyard that they used when living in their first apartment together - their small, one bedroom place that they lived in during university. They were a short walk from the university, something that had always come in handy for classes. 

 

Isak glanced up and saw the windows of their old apartment, the lights on; someone else living there now - unaware of what Isak and Even had shared. 

 

It had been their first home. 

 

“You’re right,” Isak said, turning back and kissing Even on the mouth. “You’re definitely a cheesy bastard.” 

 

“I always have been.” Even grinned, letting Isak guided him down to the ground. 

 

“I hope we won’t get in trouble being out here. We don’t exactly live here anymore.” 

 

“Remember Todd? The building manager? I still had his number. I called and asked if it would be okay.” Even smiled, taking some sandwiches out of the basket and handing one to Isak. 

 

Isak laughed, remembering all the times they had called Todd when something had stopped working in their flat. They’d gone a whole week without hot water, Todd coming over every day trying to fix it. He was a nice older man who lived on the third floor with his wife. 

 

“Jesus. How is he doing?”

 

“Fine. Went on about some of the new tenants of the building being irresponsible morons, but he’s doing well.” 

 

They ate their food and sat close together under a blanket, Isak unable to hide how he was shivering. The weather had turned colder the last week - signs that winter was going to here before they knew it. Even wrapped an arm around Isak and rubbed his side, trying to generate some warmth. 

 

“I should have maybe planned a date inside.” Even said sheepishly, patting Huxley on the other side of him. The dog had a coat on and didn’t seem uncomfortable, but Even had a habit of always assuming Huxley was cold too. 

 

“No. It’s perfect, Evy. Really.” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

Isak nodded, pulling Even towards him and kissing him deeply, his entire body responding to their closeness. It had been a long two weeks of hardly any contact and Isak was craving to be touched. He knew they were taking it slow and they still had so much to figure out, but the one thing Isak knew for sure was that he was still attracted to Even entirely. He wanted him all the time. 

 

“Can we go back to my place tonight? You could spend the night. I don’t have to work tomorrow.” Isak asked, breathing heavily. He didn’t know how long they’d been kissing but he knew how hard he was inside his jeans, the material constricting around him. He wanted to climb into Even’s lap right now. 

 

“Yeah. That’s a good idea.” Even agreed, looking like he was in the same position as Isak; face flushed and chest heaving, swallowing thickly as he panted. 

 

“Then let’s go.” 

 

**

 

“Isak, I thought you wanted to take things slow.” Even panted, fully naked on Isak’s bed and writhing from the way their bodies were touching. Isak was naked as well, underneath Even as their cocks slid together, both of them leaking. 

 

Isak  _ did  _ want slow. And he’d stopped them from going further a few weeks ago but that was because they hadn’t talked. They didn’t know what they wanted, and now they did. What Isak wanted to be slow now was this night together. He didn’t want to rush. He didn’t want to just get straight to fucking. He wanted to enjoy and explore Even’s body again - remember how they used to do this because he’d fucking missed it. 

 

“I want you to fuck me slow, Even.” Isak said, gripping onto the globes of Even’s ass and pulling him against himself, making both of them moan. Isak pulled his legs up, wrapping them around Even and breathed quickly as their mouths almost touched - the pretense of a kiss. “I missed the way you fuck me.”

 

Even groaned helplessly, moving his head and kissing Isak’s neck. He let out a sound like he was about to cry, his arms shaking as he held himself up. Isak clutched onto him, feeling the exact same way. It was  _ too much  _ and not enough. There was pain between them, long years without the other, but Isak also felt like they’d never stopped being together this way too. 

 

“I have stuff. In my dresser.” Isak said, bringing Even’s face back up so he could see it and so that Even could see him; run his hands along all the ridges of Isak’s face. He wondered if Even could feel how Isak had changed - the way he had wrinkles around his eyes now. 

 

But if Even noticed he didn’t seem to care. He still looked at Isak the same way he had ten years ago. 

 

**

 

Feeling the stretch of Even’s fingers inside him after so long was making Isak moan into the sheets, cling to the headboard. He was sweating with how close he already was, flushed from embarrassment. He wasn’t a teenager anymore but it sure felt like it right now.

 

Even was braced above him, shoving three fingers in and out - hard, just how Isak had asked for. Isak was ready to take Even properly but he also didn’t want him to stop. 

 

“It’s so good,” Isak gasped, arching his back. “ _ God,  _ I’m…” 

 

Even looked enthralled, listening carefully to Isak’s every sound. His own cock was bright red and ready, and this is what finally made Isak beg him to stop - to get on with it. 

 

They had spent a solid half hour before this lying next to each other, tasting each other. Isak hadn’t felt this in so long, the connection of sleeping with someone who actually knew you; was in tune with your needs. Even remembered how sensitive Isak’s neck was, how he loved it when Even kissed down his body, licking him; teasing him until he finally took him into his mouth. Everything was  _ slow.  _ Torturous almost, but in a fantastic way. 

 

But now they were both ready for something more. 

 

“Ride me,” Even whispered once he had the condom on, lying on his back and bringing Isak on top of him. “ _ Please.”  _

 

Isak knew this was Even’s favourite position, one they had mastered during all their years together. It didn’t matter who was in what position - both felt incredible. It was something they were spectacular at. 

 

Isak positioned himself over Even’s dick, bracing his hands on Even’s chest before beginning to sink down. Again, it was agonizingly slow - Even only thrusting up briefly to help at the end. They waited for Isak to adjust, still touching and kissing; Even’s hands all over Isak’s face. 

 

“Isak,  _ fuck,”  _ Even shuddered, pulling at the hair on the back of Isak’s neck. The sensation from that and from being so full made Isak shout out, leaning back up and beginning to move his hips properly - allowing him to really feel how deep Even was inside him. 

 

They kept getting close and then pausing, delaying the pleasure as long as possible. Isak kept Even’s hands away from his cock as long as he could stand it, not wanting to come and be done. Even grabbed onto Isak’s thighs more than once to stop him from moving, throwing his head back against the pillow and biting down on his bottom lip to prevent himself from filling the condom. 

 

But eventually, they couldn’t hold back anymore. Isak placed a single kiss on Even’s mouth, his whole body trembling. 

 

“I’m going to make you come, Evy.” Isak whispered, running his hand through Even’s messy hair. “Do you want that?” 

 

“Yes,” Even nodded eagerly, pushing Isak’s chest so he sat back up properly. “ _ Please.  _ Want to feel you come too. All over me.” 

 

Isak moved faster, not stopping this time, feeling both of their bodies coiling tighter. His orgasm hit so strongly he lost his breath, scrunching up his eyes against the onslaught of pleasure thrumming through him. Even wasn’t far behind, moaning loudly as he held Isak in place, hips up off the bed. 

 

Isak didn’t realize he had begun softly crying until he felt Even’s hands on his face, stroking his cheeks and feeling the tears there. 

 

“I’m  _ sorry,”  _ Isak said. “It was just so much.” 

 

“I want to see, Isak. I know,  _ I know.”  _

 

**

 

**Even - 29**

 

Isak was curled around Even the next morning, arms and legs surrounding him in a pile of warmth. Even smiled, rubbing Isak’s back until the younger man stirred and yawned himself awake. 

 

“Hey,” Isak mumbled, his voice thick from sleep. 

 

“Good morning.” Even replied, leaning down to kiss Isak. 

 

“Are you okay?” 

 

Even frowned, not expecting that question. “Um, yes? Are you?” 

 

“My ass is sore. But yes.” Isak chuckled, sitting up in the bed and leaning against the headboard. Even joined him, their thighs touching. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t regret anything.” 

 

Even found Isak’s hand and shook his head, bringing Isak’s knuckles up to kiss. 

 

“I don’t regret anything. I’m actually...stupidly happy.” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Of course, Issy. Are you?” 

 

The silence that followed sent Even’s heart rate spiking, panic coursing through him. He wanted to ask more questions, tell Isak everything would be all right but he made himself wait until Isak had sorted through his thoughts. 

 

“I’m scared this is all going to disappear again.” Isak whispered, wrapping an arm around Even’s waist and putting his head next to Even’s heart. 

 

“Issy, I’m not going anywhere. I…” 

 

“I know what you said and I believe you, but...I’m still figuring out how to trust you again. I’m sorry.” 

 

“Don’t be sorry.” Even said immediately, kissing the top of Isak’s head. “You don’t ever have to apologize to me.” 

 

“I just want to forget about the time apart anymore, you know? I want to be over it.” Isak sighed and Even could feel how some hot tears dropped onto his chest. He hated that Isak was so upset but he knew it would take time. 

 

Everything was going to take time. 

 

**

**2 months later**

 

“Einar, what the hell? I didn’t give you permission to do that!” 

 

Even was standing in his brother’s room, his voice way too loud. He didn’t want to be upset at Einar but he  _ was.  _ He should have asked for Even’s consent. He should have  _ warned  _ him about all this crap. 

 

“I just wanted to show them off. Your work is amazing but nobody ever sees it!” Einar yelled back and from the distance of his voice Even figured his brother was sitting on his bed, his face turned away. 

 

“Maybe it’s not meant for anyone to see. Did you ever think that I paint just for myself?” Even sighed, walking further into the room before he found Einar’s desk chair. He sat down, feeling how tired he was. He wasn’t sleeping very well, especially when Isak wasn’t with him in bed. 

 

“No, I didn’t. I figured if you paint pictures it’s because you want someone to look at them.” Einar huffed, his tone laced with attitude. Sometimes Even hated their age difference, how childish Einar could sound. 

 

“The studio probably won’t take them anyway. They went on about an exhibit but it’s based on the one photo you posted to Instagram. I’m sure if they see the others they’ll realize it’s a waste of time.” Even said, already feeling the disappointed. 

 

Part of him was proud someone had shown interest, admired his work, but he knew he wasn’t that good. And if a studio decided to make an exhibit of a blind person’s paintings they would probably be ridiculed. 

 

“ _ Or,  _ they might love it and display it all and you’ll make lots of money when people buy them.” Einar snapped. “I’m doing homework. Leave me alone.” 

 

Even rolled his eyes but stood up, leaving his brother in moody peace. 

 

**

 

A week later, Even found himself shaking hands with the studio director, agreeing not only to display his work but to the job he was offered. 

 

“Do you really think my paintings will sell? I…” 

 

“I do, Even. You have a lot of talent. We like to take in new artists. It’s a specialty of ours. Just trust us, okay? And keep working on some more.” Henry said, pointing Even towards the door with his work contract. He was only going to be part time, and it was mostly to help out with the promotion of the studio, but he was happy to do it. Everyone was remarkably nice and supportive. 

 

He walked away feeling good about the fact that he was a blind painter, not like he was weird. 

 

**

 

**Isak - 28**

**Even - 30**

**1 year later**

 

“Is that all of it?” Even asked, sitting patiently on the stairs of the apartment building with Huxley. He wasn’t very helpful moving boxes but he’d come for moral support anyway, knowing that moving was stressful. 

 

Isak and Jonas collapsed against the wall, sweating through their t-shirts. They’d been at this all morning and they were absolutely exhausted. 

 

“Yes. Fucking finally.” Jonas said, chugging some water. 

 

“I think I pulled every muscle I have.” Isak groaned, sitting next to Even. 

 

“You both smell  _ terrible.”  _ Even laughed, but didn’t complain when Isak put his head on his shoulder. 

 

“Let’s finish this. We can have a break once we’ve unloaded everything at Even’s place.” Jonas said, walking towards the moving van. 

 

Isak smiled, leaning up to kiss Even. He smirked when Even cringed, Isak’s sweaty face rubbing against his chin. 

 

“I’m moving in with you.” 

 

“You are? I had no idea.” Even teased, standing up. Huxley led them out of the building and ran after Jonas. 

 

“Guess you’re stuck with me.”

 

“I’m good with that.” 

 

**

 

There had been a lot of bad days leading up to this incredibly happy day. 

 

Isak thought back on them as Einar helped them unpack, putting clothes into Even’s room and some furniture into the living room. Isak hadn’t collected that much in the year he’d lived alone in Oslo, but bringing it into Even’s somewhat smaller house was proving a challenge. He liked seeing all their stuff together though. 

 

Isak had almost called it off after a month together, his anger fueling the fire. He’d been convinced Even was still manic and wasn’t thinking things through; didn’t actually want Isak. He told himself he needed to try and be with someone else properly. He needed to try and move past Even. It was a tornado of spiralling thoughts that made it hard for Isak to function. 

 

Even had talked him into seeing a therapist. And then they saw a therapist together. 

 

Isak hadn’t bought into it in the beginning. He fought it all the way. Every time Dr. Williams suggested something for Isak to try and do he shot her down, saying that it was a waste of time. Why did he need to think about the five years they’d spent apart? Why couldn’t be just move forward? 

 

But the longer Isak spent with her the more he realized how detrimental pushing the pain of the past to the side was to his life. It was clouding up his mind. It was preventing him from being happy. It was the reason he spent so much time worrying that Even didn’t actually love him; the reason he was still struggling to re-connect with people in his life. 

 

Marianne had gotten bad again too. Isak felt as if he’d lost her again, that he wouldn’t get her back. He’d learned to think of her illness like a consuming loss, and Dr. Williams had helped him cope with the fact that the time he’d spent alone with his mother, taking care of her when his father had originally left, was something that was also holding him back. It was another weight on his shoulders, preventing him from having a relationship with his mother. 

 

He learned to think of Marianne’s illness in a different way. He learned to not hold it against her when her mind took her elsewhere, when she didn’t recognise him. And he learned to appreciate the days when she did, rather than focus on how long it would be until she was gone again. 

 

Because she wasn’t  _ gone.  _ She was just different some days than others. 

 

Isak thought of how different he was now compared to the man who first came back to Oslo. He put away some of the coffee mugs he’d brought with him, one all the way from New York, and placed it on the shelf with a smile on his face. 

 

There was still work to be done. He imagined he would be seeing a therapist for a long time, if not indefinitely, but he was okay with that. Having someone to help him work through whatever was on his mind wasn’t a bad thing. It wasn’t cliche or stupid the way he sometimes imagined it would be. 

 

Even surprised him by wrapping his arms around Isak’s waist, kissing his neck. 

 

“You okay?” He asked, and Isak liked how Even checked in like this sometimes. He wanted to know that Isak’s mind was clear of doubts - at ease with himself and their life together. 

 

And Isak always liked being able to say without hesitation, “Yes. I’m okay.” 

 

**

 

**Isak - 29**

**Even - 31**

**1 year later**

 

“You’re a lunatic.” Isak said, and that wasn’t what he’d meant to say  _ at all.  _ Not when Even was currently kneeling down in front of him, presenting him with matching rings and had asked the question that Isak had always known the answer to. 

 

Even’s face fell and Isak rushed to touch his boyfriend, shaking his head. 

 

“Sorry. Sorry. God, that was dumb of me to say.  _ Fuck.  _ Yes,  _ yes.  _ Of course.” Isak rambled, laughing with tears in his eyes as Even stood back up to kiss him. 

 

“Why did you call me a lunatic?” Even asked a minute later, putting their rings on their fingers because he wanted them both to have engagement rings. Isak smirked at the ridiculousness of his boyfriend. 

 

Wait. 

 

Fiancee. 

 

“Because...because we’re outside Nissen! This is not a place I imagined being proposed to.” Isak said exasperatedly. 

 

“But this is where I fell in love with you. This is where we met. Without this place I wouldn’t know you. I wouldn’t love you.” Even explained, holding Isak tightly against him as they looked at each other. 

 

Even’s hands were warm despite the snow that had begun to fall. 

 

**

 

**Even - 32**

**Isak - 30**

**1 year later**

 

Isak was slightly tipsy as he danced with Even, the champagne going to his head. But he was completely content. People were watching them and smiling, recording them on their phones and taking pictures. 

 

Lea and Einar had their arms around each other as they watched their brothers. Terje was sitting next to Marianne and they were also beaming. Terje kept reminding Marianne what was happening, who they were here to celebrate, but when she remembered her face brightened up and she would gasp excitedly. 

 

Huxley was sitting at Lea’s feet wearing a puppy tuxedo. 

 

Sonja, Jonas, Eva, Magnus, Mahdi, Sana, Yousef and Sara were at their table together too, commenting on the way Even was able to dance - lead them even though he couldn’t see the dancefloor. Isak was just following. 

 

Martin was leaning against the wall with his children around him, just excited to be at a wedding. He was enjoying the cake. 

 

“You okay?” Even asked, and they both knew the song was going to be over soon. 

 

Isak nodded and kissed his husband, pulling back and asking Even the same question. 

 

“Yes.” 

 

**

 

**Astrid - 32**

 

_ “I met a boy today, Mom.”  _

 

_ Astrid was watching something on TV when Even got home and she turned to look at her son, smiling at how happy he looked.  _

 

_ “Oh yeah?” She prompted, standing up and kissing him on the cheek.  _

 

_ “Yeah. I have a good feeling about him.”  _

 

_ “How so?”  _

 

_ “I don’t know,” Even shrugged and he sat down next to his mom. “But I think he’s going to be important.”  _

 

_ Astrid wanted Even to meet someone who would love the hell out of him. She’d been worried for many years about her oldest finding a partner who would accept all his needs, be there through all the challenges he would continue to face. She knew it wouldn’t be easy for whoever it was, but she had faith that someone was out there for her son. Someone who she would be proud to welcome into their family.  _

 

_ Perhaps it would be this boy.  _

 

_ “And what’s his name?” she asked, still incredibly satisfied by the way Even was blushing.  _

 

_ “Isak,” Even said, grinning. “His name is Isak.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it this far with me, thanks so much for reading! Sorry I didn't give notice of this being the last chapter. I didn't know it was going to be until I began writing it. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated! :)
> 
>  
> 
> Come say hi  
> [here](http://photographer-of-thoughts.tumblr.com/)  
> <3


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